Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Wade in the Water

Bob Dylan - The Times They Are A-Changin'
Found at

"Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'."
-Bob Dylan "The Times They Are A-Changin'"

Internally, I know the times, for me, are changing.

I can feel the tides of change rising again within me.

Now I'm, once again, at an early stage in working on this, but I am working. I am, if you will, doing more than hopelessly watching the waters rise around me.

I'm starting to embrace that the waters of change are rising because I'm causing them to, and the more effort I put into what I want in this life, the higher those waters get, which means I then have to put more energy into not drowning.

And so on.

It's a very tenuous, but impressive cycle.

A cycle that I know only allows me to thrive if I put the work in on every key part of it.

If I work to change, but do not work to keep afloat in the sea of forward momentum I'm creating, then I'll start to slowly sink back.

And so on.

Today was not the best day; there were big mistakes.

But, there were little successes, and I know that filling up my life with those is the key to the big ones following suit.

So, food:

Two cups fat-free milk

One can chicken
Six tablespoons mayo
Six pieces of bread
Half cup parm cheese
Quarter cup honey roasted peanuts

Two packages of ramen noodles

Three chicken burritos
One piece of bread
Two tablespoons chipotle mayo

I did 33 wall push-ups before work this morning.

I'm again starting to take those little extra steps; again beginning to feel a bit more in the moment; once again purposefully choosing to do things right the first time. More and more, and so-on, and so-forth.

For me, a week of eating right or exercising is great, but without those little things that are crucial to long-term, sustainable change, they're not enough.

Lets not kid ourselves...the waters of change are ebbing and flowing for all of us, all of the time. It's just that sometimes those rising waters represent the negative movement and momentum we're creating and engaging cyclically, action-by-action, day-by-day.

But sometimes - sometimes those waters we feel swell around us can be our strength and our growth. And it's up to you to harness that power, and, well...

...Then you better start swimmin'

Or you'll sink like a stone

For the times they are a-changin'.

Monday, December 7, 2009

What I've Done

Linkin Park - What Ive Done
Found at

I'm sick with step throat, and that sucks.

What does not suck is that I've decided to write a post about how my day was, as a means to help me be mindful, honest, and focused on what I really want (thanks to Losing Waist for the idea in a recent email)

Here, today, is what I have done...

I ate the following:

Two glasses of fat-free milk
One whole cucumber

Ten ounces of mozzarella cheese (rough estimate)
Four flour tortillas
Three tablespoons of chipotle mayo
Two cups of white rice
One cup of shredded pork
One ounce of cheddar cheese

Five tablespoons of cream cheese
Two cups of brown rice
Two Sun dried-Tomato Boca Burgers
Two cups of brown rice
Two flour tortillas
One wheat English muffin
One ounce of cheddar cheese

...and a partridge in a pear tree.

Well, that is a pretty heinous day.

Exercise for today?


How do I feel?

Regretful, frustrated with myself, but I already feel much more positive, because just writing this blog is a step in right direction; a good choice I've made.

Okay, next, I think I'll go through the exercise of being very clear about what I really want, and what I really don't.

What I DO NOT want:

I don't want to binge
I don't want to eat too-big or too-unhealthy meals.
I don't want to remain sedentary all day.
I don't want to only take in (films, TV, books, newspapers, etc) fluff in my spare time.
I don't want to only take in things with negative messages that are in contrast to my values in my spare time.
I don't want to choose the easy way out, even in little ways (e.g. throw a piece of paper at the trash, miss, and not pick it up.)

I don't want the outcomes of the above things. I don't want to be unhappy, unmotivated, remain morbidly obese and die.

What I really DO want:

I want to eat healthy, average-sized meals.
I want to get exercise every day.
I want to take in positive, affirming, motivating, challenging things in my spare time.
I want to do what is right in all that I do.
I want to be honest.

I want to do all the things above because doing them makes me happy, motivated, energetic, strong, empowered, and healthy: mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Now, I let what I've done today go. I don't hold onto the guilt, anger, disappointment, etc.

I've shifted my focus forward.

My focus is now on those things that I truly want moving forward in the next moment of today and leading into tomorrow, and what choices I will make in order to get them.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The Bravery

The Bravery - Time Wont Let Me Go
Found at

"Whenever I look back
On the best days of my life
I think I saw them all on T.V.

I am so homesick now for
Someone that I never knew
I am so homesick for
Someplace I will never be "

-The Bravery, "Time Won't Let Me Go"

I was reading Sean Anderson's always stellar blog the other day.

A topic he touched on struck me: "I am not a victim, I refuse to be one..."

I'm glad he mentioned that and discussed that concept, because it is always a valuable thing for me to revisit.

I've only, in the last year and a half of my life, even considered that concept; really, truly considered it. The concept of playing the victim.

I know that blaming someone else for our problems and thus wallowing in self-pity stops us from living a healthy, happy life. That's just a fact. No arguments, none. Period.

What I never used to see was how easy it is to do just that.

I never knew how closely my romanticising of various things in life were just self-pity, victimization, and martyrdom masquerading as poignancy, art, and feeling.

I listened to the song at the start of this post a lot in the winter of 2008 I think, while I was struggling with my weight and other issues of the time.

The song is nothing particularly special, musically or lyrically, but it spoke to me then. The lyrics combined with the music made me feel. The song, like so many others have, evoked a lot of emotions for me: loss, hurt, anger, regret, etc.

Above all else the message I chose to take from that song, without even realizing it, was:

"You're a victim. You've fouled up. Others have fouled you up. Mourn the past and the present. Mourn your future.

Mourn your future, because it is nothing but a consolation, a silver medal (at best).You'll never have what you truly want. You'll never be who you could have become."


I've always liked to think of myself as a romantic in a broad, pretentious, Renaissance-style sense. Someone who relished the gritty truth about life and all the complex feelings it brings. Someone who saw life for the intricate shades-of-grey reality it was, someone who read books, listened to music, and watched films that spoke deep truths and moved me powerful ways.

I know now that I've been nothing but a coward. A coward who tried to substitute a real life (one that actually comes with the various ups and downs, but one where I have have power, responsibility and accountability) for a bullshit life where I pretended I had no power and so could thus play the martyr for any consequences of my reactionary lifestyle (all the while romanticizing this "beautiful, but oh so painful" thing that was "life" - which was not really much more than thoughts, dreams, lyrics, quotes, books, films, and disowned actions.)

I don't want to romanticize life. I want to live it honestly, completely. I know I own my actions and choices. I don't need to hear poignant lyrics or see a moving film to taste reality, I want to envelop myself with reality everyday, standing up for my responsibility in every moment. That is life.

People screwed me up.

Yep. So what?

I've screwed up a lot.

Yep. So what?

Until I stop letting either of those two facts have any hold on how I make decisions, I'll never be able to succeed in righting those wrongs and I'll never become the person I am here to be, for myself and for others.

When I'm honestly and completely free from any victim mentality, it's all possible. And I can do it. I don't have to be a coward, I can be strong.

And I will.

There's nothing romantic about it, but it's real.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Weigh-In: Moving Forward

I had a pretty significant relapse around food for a few weeks in October. I even relapsed with drinking at a point.

It sucked.

It alllllll sucked so much.

I take full responsibility for eating all the crap I ate. I take full responsibility for ending up drinking.

I gained back almost 40 lbs.

I have said it before, but let me say it again: I did not get to 667 lbs earlier this year by always being selfless, self-assured, open, honest, even-keeled, moderate, etc.

I got there by being, in general, a guy with a lot of unresolved issues.

Well, I have been working on dealing with issues for the past 6 months.

I have been working on creating change from the inside out.

And, I've fallen down a few times along the way.

I've made mistakes.

I've had failures.

I've made some very poor choices.

BUT, I am trying.

AND, I am succeeding.

I will right the wrongs long term.

I will continue to lose all this weight. Not because I'm dieting, but because I'm working on living in the moment, choosing as best I can with what I can control, letting go of what I can't; I'm loving myself and being good to my body, mind, and soul.

I will slowly continue to build up trust with myself. I will slowly continue to build trust with others. I will repair relationships and make reparations as best I can.

I will ultimately succeed because of this bottom line: I am working hard, through simple, fundamental actions, to become a better person in every single way.

After two weeks back in the saddle, I weighed this morning: 534.

I lost 28 pounds.

So, despite my missteps and failures, I continue to move forward.

I know what I have to do.

My path will not always be easy, but it could not be any more clear.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Coming Alive

I'm getting back on track, day by day.

It's slow going here at first, but well worth it.

I just wanted to write this as an update to let folks know that my recent post wasn't my last gasp before my head fell back under water for another undetermined length of time.

I'm working at changing my life for the better again.

I did not know how apt my blog title would be when I started, but it has been. And that's fine.

Life is a journey - ups and downs.

I'll ultimately succeed. I know that.

I'll write more soon.

I hope everyone has a great day full of positive choices.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

That's Life

I suggest starting by pressing play on the music player immediately below.

Frank Sinatra - That's Life
Found at

That's life,

that's what all the people say,

you're riding high in April,

shot down in May.

But I know I'm gonna change that tune,

when I'm back on top,

back on top in June.

I said that's life,

and as funny as it may seem,

some people get their kicks,

stompin' on a dream.

But I don't let it, let it get me down,

'Cause this fine ol' world, it keeps spinning around.

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king.

I've been up and down and over and out, and I know one thing:

Each time I find myself,

flat on my face,

I pick myself up,

and get back in the race...

Monday, October 12, 2009

Weigh-In: It's Business Time

I'm in SLC this week for a division meeting.

I got up and drove there this morning at 5:30.

I stopped at the almost empty (looking at least) senior citizen center, which, thankfully, was unlocked and unmanned (thankful for me; as I've said before, I worry about the lack of security for their citizens).

I went in and reflected on 7 days of on-plan eating, two 1/2 mile walks, a 1 mile walk, a 1.5 mile walk, a 2.4 mile walk, lots of wall push-ups, and a game of basketball(!).

The scale said: 523

14 pounds lost this week.

Onward and freaking upward.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Over the Top

I recieved an award recently from 45+ and Aspiring.

I've seen this award, the Over the Top award, around the blogosphere, but never really knew what it was about.

I still don't.

I assume it has something to do with the 1987 Sylvester Stallone arm wrestling drama "Over the Top".

Which, by the way, is apparently a big inspiration and a huge favorite of a lot of people, including, surprisingly, a fairly large amount of the female weight-lose blogging community.
In any event, to 45+ and Aspiring: Thank you.

So, I don't care about the rules of this at all, so this will vary from some of these a bit.

Here we go:

1. Your hair? Salt and pepper. Admittedly more salt than pepper these days. My grandmother on my dad's side had completely white hair by the age of 18. I got my first grey hair at 12...thanks grandma.

2. Your favorite food? Sushi

3. Your favorite drink? In a different life, Bloody Marys. Today, H2theizz0.

4. Your hobby? Playing the piano.

5. Your fear? Dig this: when I was a kid I had some regular nightmares: monsters, Freddy
Kruger, the Gremlins. However, what is the thing that I had more, and scarier, nightmares about than anything as a kid? A huge fat man. I have no idea where that came from, but holy crap, it is a bit of a trip to think about how that was my greatest fear, even as a little tiny kid. How does that happen? *feel free to take peyote and discuss that one amongst yourselves.*

6. Something that you are not? Not awesome. (double negatives rule)

7. Muffins? I worked nights at a convenience store years ago as a second job. The manager bought muffins in bulk from Costco and then wrapped them individually to re-sell. When I worked I would ask the customer if they liked Costco muffins, and then tell them how ours were even better. I sold a lot of muffins and entertained myself.

8. Where are you from originally? Juneau, Alaska

9. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Anywhere, as long as I'm with my 6 years of health, and achieved and maintained weight loss and recovery.

10. How are you doing SoC? Wow, personal. Well, I'll tell you:

I'm excellent.

I'm blazing a trail.

Building on every little healthy action; every little healthy choice.

It's all coming together and adding up.

I can feel it.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Weigh-In: It was written in numbers

60 = The number of wall push-ups I did on Thursday: my best this week. Also, I am now doing the push-ups on my complete tip-toes.

3.2 = The number of miles I walked Saturday: my best this week.

0 = The number of calories I went over my food plan every day last week.

7 = The number of days I worked out this last week. All 7. Monday - Sunday.

10,080 = The number of minutes that I was in control of my decisions last week.

13 = The number of pounds I lost last week.

130 = The number of pounds I've lost in 3 months.

Never = When I'm going to stop creating and living a healthy life.

? = What's stopping you

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

Who's body is, every day, feeling so much better as a result of his good choices?

Today, I finished a meeting and went for a quick walk downtown.

One of the quickest walks I've done in a long time actually:

I walked 1/2 a mile (including a hill) in just under 10 minutes.

Not much for most, but for my 550 lb self, that's the first time I've walked that fast in probably 2 years I'd guess. So, I will take it.

Big time.

Also, tonight I did 60 wall push-ups.

AND I feel great mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

I feel like I am being refined.

And improved.

And I am.

Oh man, I can't even wait.

I am in the process of something momentous here.

This is only the beginning.

So, remember: tomorrow is mine, like it is yours, to do for ourselves whatever we mold and sculpt our actions, decisions, and very beings into whatever we wish them to be.

For me, I am going to keep tearing it up in all that I do.

It's entirely up to you.

Monday, September 28, 2009

To Be Truly Healthy

When I lived in Salt Lake City a few years ago I went downtown one Saturday morning and auditioned for The Biggest Loser.

I had a phenomenal time with the people there, both BL hopefuls like myself, as well as with the casting staff.

Through a variety of call backs - on-site, phone, and video, I was just about to be, it appeared to me at least, cast on the show.

However, by the time they called me, that last, climactic time, to tell me, it had been months and months.

And I had gained over 100 pounds.

I got their message and never called them back.

Too fat for the show I thought, I'd lost my chance. They wouldn't want me anymore now that I was over 500 lbs.

Well, I may have been right, but more importantly, it doesn't matter.

I'm grateful I didn't go on the show. It's the same kind of gratitude I have around not getting Gastric Bypass despite the incessant urgings of family and friends over the years.

I have a lot to work through, and weight is only the symptom. And I want to do it all in a healthy way. That is the only real way for me, now: healthy.

I don't want to lose 200 pounds in 2 months spent w/o my job, day-to-day life, and normal responsibilities.

And I don't want to have a surgeon alter my body in order to induce medically-approved starvation.

When I didn't get on the show and when I kept turning down weight loss surgery, I had years of unpleasantness ahead of me.

It was painful. I suffered more failures, gained more weight, caused more anguish to myself and those who care about me.

But, I'm not in that place anymore.

I'm moving in a new direction now, and have been for some time.

And as to how I came about that new direction?


Through trials and tribulations and learning and growing.

So now, I don't want what the American Medical Association and the Biggest Loser want for me.

Now I want to learn about moderation and working hard to accomplish a goal that matters, for me. I want to love myself and treat myself with enough kindness that losing weight is a secondary result. I want to heal emotionally/mentally/spiritually AND physically so that I will be able to sustain my success for a lifetime.

And I will.

Recently I have been seeing this banner ad for Jillian Michael's website.

Well, last time I saw it, just for fun, I clicked it.

I had no expectation to do more than walk through a couple of the registration steps to see what it was about.

Well, on her homepage you get started with your "free" weight-loss plan. Again, no expectations on my part, so I put in the data: age, height, email, goal weight, and, of course, my current weight: 550 lbs, and I proceeded to CLICK THERE IT'S FREE!!!!.

Read what it said.

There in the screenshot above. The pinkish box on the right side. That box popped up when I clicked.

It's an error message.

It says: "Hey, please take care of the following: Please enter a valid weight."

Simply. Priceless.

Well, 550 is my weight. It's as real and valid as can be.

I obviously had some struggles during the last few weeks. And I hadn't weighed myself since 9/9. I knew however that I'd gained weight. I could feel it. How much I didn't know.

Thankfully, after getting back on track early last week, I've been back on in a big way. So, I'm back at 550 lbs, 1 pound heavier than I was when I got back from my trip.

I'm grateful I didn't do more damage, or maybe grateful that I was able to recover from the damage I did do so fast. Either way, I am grateful.

And moreover, I am excited.

Excited because my future is bright.

It may not have a weight loss reality show gig to offer, or a magical medical procedure to help.

No, it has so much more.

This week, as only any of us can do - one day at a time, I will continue to move into that future with exuberance and joy.

I am reclaiming my life through my actions.

That is beautiful.

That is healthy.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Broken Phone, but Whole Self cell phone broke in half a few days ago.

Broke. In. Half.

How could that happen?

Did I flip it open and smash it over my knee in anger?

Did I leave it open on the floor and accidentally step on it?

Did I snap it half with my fingers to impress a girl with my super human strength?

No, I opened it like I have a thousand times, and it broke in half.

And at&t, unfortunately, could not help. Could not get me a replacement phone.

Now, I am not a person who has a blind hate of corporations and thinks that they are inherently evil.

I think there is way too much greed in a lot of people who work in the corporate world and even among those who run them; I believe that greed hurts all of those people, and a whole lot of others too as a result.

But, the basic idea of Capitalism: I love it. It's one of the many things that makes America, despite our flaws, a truly unique and amazing country.

At&t has done a great job in the marketplace and have thrived, and I can earnestly say more power to them.

Anyway, where I start to take issue with a corporation is in a situation like this. And, first, do note that if I had dropped my phone, been careless with it, etc, I would be happy to take responsibility. I've lost phones before, I've dropped them in rivers and pools, I have damaged them, and so, I never called at&t to complain.

It wasn't their fault those was mine.

This time, it was their fault.

And they could do nothing to help me.

But, here's the thing:

Oh well.

I let it go.

I chose to let it stop bothering me.

What a powerful ability we have in THAT choice.


A few of the things I've been working on over the last 3 months, along with my physical health, is my emotional/mental/spiritual health.

And of those issues, a few sub groups come into play in this issue: Anger, Resentment, and Forgiveness.

While it may not seem like much, the few hours spent on the phone with customer support that ended with injustice could have, probably WOULD have, made me extremely angry. It likely would've put me in a nasty funk for the rest of the day.

As time went on I would stew about the injustice, and resent what happened. Resent the company, the actually good service people that I spoke to, and all cell phone companies!

Resentment man, it eats at your soul.

It really does.

It gnaws away at you, and every foothold it gets in your psyche is one where happiness, serenity, and love cannot exist.

Instead, I chose to let it go. I had tried to do what I could, but had run out of options.

So, why let something that I can't change make me feel miserable?

I'm not going to waste my valuable energy on resentment.

I'm not going to waste my valuable time being angry.

I chose to forgive the company, and move on.

And here's the thing, I think that most people have moments like this frequently in life. Whether it's with a company or a friend, a boss or a spouse, whatever. No matter what it is specifically about, it boils down to:

1) A situation or conflict that doesn't go our way, and;

2) A choice we have to make: Do we let the outcome rule us?

Do we choose to go into a funk because of what happened?

Do we choose to steam and froth with anger all day because of it?

Do we choose to treat other people in our lives less kind, and with less love and respect as a result?

Do we choose to not work-out because of it? To slack off on our plan at dinner? To stuff our faces with comfort food?

Well, we never have to, because it is always OUR choice.

Always our choice.

How incredibly powerful we are.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Peanut Butter Solution

I had a jar of peanut butter, and a jar of jelly sitting on my desk.

I guess I should stop briefly and mention that I work from home.

Anyway, I had these two jars of delectable comfort-food treats sitting next to my computer.

They looked harmless.

The jelly jar even featured a charming elderly couple posed similarly to the couple in the American Gothic painting. Only instead of the stern, fairly grim look of the AG couple, these two on the "American Northwest's Strawberry 'Real Fruit' Spread" label looked cheery and inviting. They looked like once I ate some jelly they might have just got me a glass of warm milk and made up a bed for me in the den so I could rest; perhaps leave a couple of Worther's Originals on my bedside table for the morning.

The reason these jars were on my desk may or may not have something to do with the fact that in the not so at all distant past ( a few days ago) I brought them in eat...out of the jars.

Well, because I was born on Abe Lincoln's birthday, I too cannot tell a lie (other traits Lincoln and I share include chopping down a cherry tree with an axe and my trusty blue ox Babe, and the power to grin down bears by the age of 3.)

So, I must truthfully tell you that I ate some of these jars contents.

"Some" being a relative term.

To put it more accurately, I ate about 14 ounces of peanut butter and 18 ounces of strawberry jelly.

In one sitting.

But, THAT is not why I come here today.

No, today I write to say that last night I was pretty hungry.

I started thinking: "Self, you know what might satiate that longing hunger inside you?"

To which I replied: "The Peanut Butter and Jelly!"

"No, not the pb&j. Remember, you need to put those kind of ridiculous desires aside. After all, you just TODAY started your end of year weight loss and health re-start: 'The Hotness Begins: 100 days of Autumn (& Winter) ~ Motivationathon 2009, Version 2.0 - I'm Here for the Gangbang!"

Bitterly I protested: "Yea, but so what, tomorrow is when it really starts, on day 99. The hundredth day is just kind of a starting place for show. Kind of honorary, but not a real rubber-to-the-road, kind of starting day."

"No." I firmly stated. "Don't do it."

"But why?" I continued "Why should I trust you? Look at your ridiculous moustache!"

Well, I felt kind of betrayed and insulted, but I knew that I was You know, both.

Anyway, long story short (ish), I decided to not eat the remainders of the pb&j, or any at all for that matter. In fact, I threw them away entirely. Just a small thing, but more moments like that will ultimately reap huge rewards.

I believe they call that a NSV, which I think stands for Non-Sexual Vacuum. I don't really know.

In any event, I said no to the urge to binge and hell yes to keeping on the path to where I want to be.


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

take me in and dry the rain...

Here's the thing: when in Vegas a few weeks ago it sounded like a good idea to my friend and I that we both shave our beards into moustaches because we were soon going to Tombstone and a bewhiskered homage to the gunslingers of yesteryear sounded right.

So, we did.

And, as it turns out, that was an epic victory. I had never worn only a moustache before, but our strolling down the dirt roads of the old west with them was just about perfect.

Now - fast forward to this last week: here's what I have learned: while moustaches can be funny and cool during an old west road trip, once you've got a week's stubble, a noticeably larger face, and you've been drinking, a moustache seems to really come into its own and show its true a**hole colors.

I once thought my moustache rested on my face in a dignified posture with a hint of badass and a touch of ironic amusement. Now I see it smugly splayed out above my upper lip, making itself obscenely comfortable; openly mocking me because it knows I've succumbed to it's insidious power - succumbed to that same dirtbaggedness that almost all moustache wearers fall to at some point.

Bad times.

So, in summary:

Moustache on road trip = good

Moustache during downward spiral = evil

Now, moving on:

South Beach Steve (I like that name. I know it's related to the diet, but I like the "place + name" naming convention. I want to be known as Erie Canal Chad, or Hudson Bay Chad, or maybe Mississippi Chad. Hmmm, yea, I don't know. None of those are what I want. The problem probably starts with Chad not being my name. Meh.)

Anyway, today South Beach Steve is starting his " The Hot 100 – Going Out With a Bang!" contest. And while I'm opting not to participate, I do like both Steve's blog AND delicious pickled vegetables (I'm referring of course to the contest's prize: a jar of the ridiculously good sounding, homemade "smoked, sweet & sour, pickled jalapenos.")

However, I am very grateful that Steve pointed out that, including today, there are 100 days left in 2009; a great goal-ready timeline if ever there was one.

As such, I am going to start my own end-of-year weight loss and health effort. I humbly call it: "The Hotness Begins: 100 days of Autumn (& Winter) ~ Motivationathon 2009, Version 2.0 - I'm Here for the Gangbang!"

The key for me to have a successful THB100DOA&WM2009V2.0IHFTGB is going to be the starting point. Nothing can be achieved without first having been begun (as I believe Yates once wrote), and given that I am just coming out of a streak-breaking funk, this initial push is most important indeed.

So, here is my plan:
1) Eat healthy - roughly 1500-2000 calories a day w/almost all whole foods.
2) Exercise - walk, or get some form of cardio, at least 4 times a week. Lift weights at least 3 times a week.
3) Do the mental, emotional, and spiritual things that were working so well and leading me into recovery.

I have a couple of different numbers in my head of my ideal weight loss success for this effort, but I'm not going to stress them. I know...KNOW, that if I do what I need to do over the next 100 days, that I will be very happy with where I'm at.

Alrighty, and there we are.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Stage 6: Relapse

I relapsed over the last few days regarding food and drink.

I've relapsed countless times before in my life: felt like crap, hated myself, believed recovery hopeless, yet swore fervently never to relapse again.

This time I don't feel that way.

I feel disappointed, but I also know the change I've created over the last 3 months has been the most real of my life, and it's only just begun.

I don't feel the same extreme urgency and intense passion to stem the tide and swear off these issues again. I don't plan to do these things again mind you, but I KNOW what works now. I've done it, and so I KNOW I can do it again.

I never KNEW, from experience before, because before my change had never been comprehensive, holistic, and driven by what has proven to work.

So, as the Stages of Change say regarding stage 6, Relapse, I now plan to:

Evaluate trigger for relapse: Relapse triggered by not doing necessary daily routines (spiritually, emotionally) while on my road trip thus leaving me unrooted and weakened once I returned.

Reassess motivation and barriers: Motivation is feeling as good as I did this summer: the best I've ever felt in my whole life. Barriers are not taking the necessary daily steps.

Plan stronger coping strategies: I will return to doing the work today, and with help from several resources, will regain traction over the next week. From there I will simply continue to strengthen in all that I do, the same way I was before, and consistently, over time, my abilities to cope, deal, live, love, etc, will all grow amazingly strong.

"When we are sure that we are on the right road there is no need to plan our journey too far ahead. No need to burden ourselves with doubts and fears as to the obstacles that may bar our progress. We cannot take more than one step at a time" - Orison Swett Marden

Friday, September 11, 2009

Ramblin' Man

pix: click on any of them to see the much bigger, better versions.

The Two of Us, Vegas, Green River, Route 66, Oatman, Wild Burros, Wigwam Motel, Rural Truck Stop Strip Club, Tombstone, Driving, Indian Ruins, Monument Valley, Old Town, Coal Mine, Dry River Beds, Bisbee, Grand Canyon