I haven't had a very good week; not much exercise, 1 big binge, a lot of fairly mindless/ fairly unhealthy eating, very inconsistent food/water/exercise tracking.
I'm just frustrated by my failures this week, and with the fact that because I have such a long way to go in many ways, I will likely continue to have failures occasionally; a binge, a shitty day, an off week.
I think the root of the frustration is not even mainly with the fact that failures will occur, but more with the fact that even though I'm doing a pretty good job looking at them objectively, not beating myself up, and moving on, I am still plagued by the doubtful echo's of a million past failures in my head.
Every time I (rightly) tell myself: "Okay, that was a mistake, but I've looked at it, learned from it, and now, time to focus on making the next choice a good one", a voice tells me "Yeah. Right. Good luck with that".
It's from years of only failing, and never giving myself any grace about it.
It's the reason that no matter how healthy my attitude is after a misstep, I still feel just a little hopeless. I still have a sense of futility about my commitment to move past the failure because I'm so early in this process of real change that I'm far from realizing that these times are different than in the past; that these times I CAN and AM getting back on track after a misstep.
I know the only way to lessen the disbelieving whisper in my ear is to answer it back every time with a healthy action. To, over time, convince every part of me, even the lurking ghosts of a listless past, that I really AM able to change and that I really CAN accomplish what I put my mind to.
I guess it boils down to building trust with myself.
There is a discrepancy within me.
I've spent my whole life telling myself THIS TIME will be different. A lifetime spent convincing myself (convincingly, I might add) that I could create the change I desired and become the person I wanted to be. All the while however, not doing any of it; not long term, and most frequently, not even short term.
I guess it makes sense that after a while I would develop a part of me that no longer bought it. A part that had been burned too many times by the lofty goals of too many ultimately failed "brand new days". Immeasurable disappointment must store somewhere inside a person. In me I'm sure it has set up shop in portions of my heartbroken melancholy, my seething self-hatred, and of course, my nagging self doubt.
Moving forward I accept that I may occasionally falter in this journey, and I do so lovingly and with grace.
And now I choose to strive to reeducate every dark corner of my being on who I am and what I'm truly capable of.
I will learn to trust myself.
New internal expectations will, over time, be set - and firmly so.
The voices will fade, the discrepancy between my intentions and my actions will disappear, and I will become peacefully congruent.