Stages of Change

Days 9, 10, 11, 12 & 13

2010-07-08T12:45:00.010-06:00

Turns out I'm still not great at blogging everyday.

I could be.

But so far I've chosen to not be.

Meh, I still going to plan on doing it everyday, and working towards that end, but it's not nearly as important to me as exercising every day.

Also, you may notice I changed the look of my blog for the first time. I did that because I realized that though I originally really liked the look of it, it no longer reflected who I'm becoming. The original black scheme was about hiding and denial.

I strive now to be about light and truth.

I also replaced my black and white "head in my hands" picture of myself I had as my profile shot. I did that also because it's no longer who I am anymore. That was about being hopeless, and some "why me?" victimization, and immaturely romanticized drama.

I strive now to be about success, self-accountability, and moderation.

---

Days 9, 10, 11, 12, & 13

Did I exercise?

Well, let me just say this:

Yes.

Saturday: 40 minutes of basketball, and drove a large bucket of golf balls at the range.
Sunday: 100 wall push ups and 10 sit-ups (pseudo sit-ups, I got up on each as far as I could)

Monday: 35 minutes of lawn mowing
Tuesday: 40 minutes of lawn mowing
Wednesday: ½ mile walk and 75 wall push ups

Next.

Day 7 & 8

2010-07-03T10:46:00.005-06:00

I didn't post yesterday.

I didn't post because, well...

...

I forgot.

So I can definitely tell you why I didn't not post though.

It wasn't because I didn't exercise.

No sir.

I'm not stopping.

I'm not stopping.

I'm not stopping.

I will not quit.

I will not give in.

I will continue.

I will persevere.

I am tenacious.

I am strong.

I am working hard, and I will reap what I am sowing.

Day 7 AND 8:

Did I exercise?

Ohhhhhh yeeeessssss

One hour and 15 minutes of basketball Thursday, 40 minutes of basketball yesterday.

Pay the man, indeed :)

Day 6

2010-07-01T15:59:00.003-06:00

You know what is right.

What is true.

You do.

I do too.

It may be harder to discern on occasion in the rush of the day, or in the swirling melange of one's multitude of life issues and elements.

But at our core, we still know.

Sometimes we purposely pretend that we don't.

We dismiss the quite voice reminding us inside.

We do what we "want" instead.

But then, sometimes, after we do what we "want", we feel bad, unhappy, guilty, ashamed.

And that?

That is good.

It is healthy to feel bad when we make a poor choice; a choice that is incongruent with what we know to be true.

Not to dwell or stew, but just to feel it. To recognize and acknowledge we chose improperly.

Let's not pretend and be blind; we are where we are today because of ourselves.

I am who I am today because of me.

Good or bad, it is our choices that count.

External things have happened and always will, but our lives are still a reflection of what we've done with every single moment of choice with which we've been presented.

You know what's right.

What is true.

You do.

I do too.

What will you do with that power today?

---

Day 6:

Did I exercise?

Yes, I played 20 minutes of basketball.

And so I was paid.

Day 5

2010-06-30T15:41:00.005-06:00

I reread my very first blog post (December 14, 2008) today.

I really enjoyed it so I am re-posting it below in it's (relatively brief) entirety:

"Above are screenshots of three of the hundreds of weight loss related blogs I've viewed in the last 2 days. And those three have something significant in common with 95% of those blogs: they didn't last long. At all. The majority have been under 10 posts total, and then...nothing.

Years pass.

I feel for all those would-be bloggers because, like most people that have struggled with their weight, or the larger concept of trying to create long-lasting, positive change in their lives, I have been there. I've launched a thousand "brand new days". New plans, new strategy's, new beginnings, new classes, books, groups, living situations, diets, lifestyles, routines, etc, etc, etc.

It never gets any easier; failing at a new approach, which is hard because it's so much fun at the start. I once heard the nature of man described aptly as something to the effect of "Great at creation, poor at maintenance".

But, when it comes to human nature, another common theme is perseverance. So, in the interest of attempting to persevere, I am following in the footsteps of both those who failed and left their blog like a virtual ghost town, and those who triumphed. I am starting a blog to track what I plan to be a journey of weight loss and overall success in a life previously marked by failure.

Good luck to me, and to serve the double purpose of serving as a self-motivating final statement of this post, and a potential piece of advice to those who pass by here in the future if I too abandon my post: Never Give Up."

---

I didn't exercise much yesterday, but I did a little, and "a little" is 100% more exercise than I get when I'm not striving for success, so I am counting it.

I did 50 wall push-ups.

And for that, I received a healthy George Washington.

Never Give Up.

Day 4

2010-06-29T16:48:00.008-06:00

Yesterday I got up at 5:30...

I took a one hour and fifteen minute lunch...

I feel asleep last night easily and slept soundly...

Today I am sore...

What does it all mean?

Well, let's just say...

Day 4:

Did I exercise?

Yesssssssssssssssssssss.

I got up at bright and early and joined 3 friends for an hour of basketball.

Then, during my lunch break, I played another hour of basketball.

Today I feel like I spent two hours yesterday engaged in full-on cardio while vigorously working muscles in my arms, back and shoulders that I haven't worked in a while.

(I did)

And so...

Dolla dolla bills y'all.

Day 3

2010-06-28T07:24:00.015-06:00

I haven't regularly posted since last summer, and since I'm committed to doing this 125 days of exercise in conjunction with 125 posts, I guess there's a chance that people who used to read this will come back and some new people may start.

So, just to get on the same page then - allow me to reintroduce myself:

I started this blog December 14, 2008.

At the time I was 620 lbs.

I've obviously had ups and downs since then (quick history of my weight can be found at the bar on the right.)

I like blogging.

It's been a great place to get my thoughts and feelings out; to energize and inspire me, and to keep me moving.

I enjoy reading other blogs. I have just restarted that in the last few days after months without reading any. I love seeing other people succeed.

I am a recovering alcoholic.

I went to rehab for alcohol and my weight in 2008.

I work doing sales and marketing for a a business who's focus actually is on assisting people in creating change in their lives.

I'm an excellent piano player.

I'm originally from Alaska.

I've hurt my family, friends, and loved-ones for years because of my issues (addictions, self-destruction, and the selfishness and many other failings that go hand-in-hand.)

I'm doing a good job slowly but surely starting to rebuild and repair those relationships.

I love Johnny Cash, the Velvet Underground, Ben Folds, Billy Joel, the Beatles, and the White Stripes.

I've come to believe in God in a powerful and personal way.

I was hit by a car in Rome once.

My hair started going grey at 12 years old.

I work very hard at my job and am damn good at it.

I once had a wild black bear in my bedroom.

---

I was asked recently in the comments how I lost 113 in 4 months (this Jan through April).

Well, let me answer that by saying: I also once lost 116 pounds in 11 weeks (Oct-end of December 2005), and earlier last year I lost 118 pounds in 9 weeks (again, see weight loss numbers at right for details).

I'm grateful for those numbers, and am hoping to produce more of the same moving forward.

That said, there was never any trick or shortcut during any of my greatest weight loss periods. For instance, during the 113 pounds lost earlier this year and during the 118 lost in 9 weeks last year, all I did was eat about 1500-1700 calories every day, consisting largely of lean meats, vegetables, a little cheese, milk and lots of beans. Another dietary thing is that I drank lots of water and lowered my sodium intake to no more than 2000 mg a day.

From an exercise standpoint I walked 3-5 times a week, did 50-150 wall push-ups a week, and eventually in both cases started playing basketball 3-5 times as well.

Also, in all of the above cited weight-loss periods, I started from a weight of no lower than 494 lbs, and as high as 667 lbs, so there's always been plenty of weight dying to come off.

---

I read Tony's blog over the weekend (The Anti-Jared) and he mentioned me:

"Stages of Change, you wrote a great post about how people can change. How I did not believe that was possible. I was wrong, people can change.They just have to want it."

And I just wanted to say thanks to Tony. I really dig that comment. He is right. It's not always easy for any of us to see, but it is the truth. We can change, we "just have to want it". Damn right. Tony's amazing and inspirational multi-pronged transformation proves it. I love it.

His comment reminded me of that old post I wrote, which I liked because it fired me up. If anyone is interested, you can read it here: "Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes"

---

Lastly, yesterday was Day 3:

Did I exercise?

Yes I did.

I walked a one mile loop on a local trail.

So, I received another $1 bill.

"The most important thing to remember is this: To be ready at any moment to give up what you are for what you might become." - W. E. B. Du Bois

Day 2

2010-06-27T14:37:00.010-06:00

Yesterday was a very productive day.

I got a variety of things done that were beneficial yesterday and will prove helpful in the week ahead.

My last post before the start of this 125 days of exercise thing was about how losing weight and changing your life is not "hard"

I just wanted to say, in case there is any doubt...

That is still true.

This is not hard.

I just wanted to reaffirm that. And not in a cocky way. I don't care about me being right, I do, however, love that it is right.

And what is right...and what is true...is that everything is only ever about how we choose to see it.

That concept is one I've written about before, but meh, I'll never stop writing, thinking, and talking about it, because it's the truth, and it's glorious, seriously.

Not to say that life can't be a struggle: that tragedy doesn't strike, that fluke accidents don't happen, that additional work isn't unexpectedly given to us.

But so much of life is about our choices.

And the biggest one is how are we going to feel in the moment. I can choose to feel labored, over-worked, under-appreciated, stressed-out, victimized, helpless, hopeless. Or I can choose to feel positive and put my best foot forward.

Yesterday, I choose the latter.

And yesterday, was Day 2 of my 125 day challenge:

Did I exercise?

Yes I did.

I again played basketball, this time for an hour, from 6-7am.

As a result, I earned dollar number 2.

"We are not animals. We are not a product of what has happened to us in our past. We have the power of choice. " - Stephen Covey

Day 1

2010-06-26T12:02:00.008-06:00

Since last fall, I've only posted a few times.

Here's an extremely brief recap of what's happened:

I went from 534 lbs in November

To 600 lbs in January, 2010.

Then I got all the way down to 487 lbs by April 24 (the lowest weight I'd been at since summer of 2007)

Now I sit around the mid 500's I'm guessing (I plan to go weigh soon to see the real number)

Ups and downs.

Throughout the last 9 months however, regardless of the ups and downs, I have thankfully continued to grow as a person, I have solidified a new spiritual direction, and I have learned futher valuable lessons and gained new insights.

Now on to my plan to use the money Anne H sent me that Jack Sh*t awarded me as motivation towards a goal. Below is my original submission for Jack's giveaway, outlining my idea:

"My 10 year high school reunion is later this spring, in a little over 100 days.

I would break the hundred dollar bill into one hundred individual dollar bills.

I would give them all to my sister's family, with one caveat: I would start a goal to workout every day for one hundred days, not killing myself, just doing it...every day. And at the end of every workout, I would go see my sister and she would pay me one dollar. I would post pictures and updates.

After 100 days, (and hopefully, having lost enough weight to go back to Washington and see friends and family at less than 100 pounds higher than I was at 18 years old), all the dollars I had earned would be passed on to another weight loss blogger to do something cool and worthwhile with via this exact type of giveaway...(and) if I workout all one hundred days, and thus earn back all $100, then I will add one hundred of my own, and pass on $200 to some other WL blogger."

Well, it turns out I've come up short on that goal already, because my reunion is about 80 days away instead of 100.

So, the new concept is to excercise every day for those 80 days hoping to arrive at my reunion not much bigger than I was in high school (yes, I was 400 lbs senior year), and then excercise every day for another 45.

After the 125 days are up, I will indeed be giving away the money to another WL blogger.

Now, yesterday was the start of the plan...

Day 1:

Did I exercise?

Yes.

I did.

I played 40 minutes of basketball, all of which were cardio, and 15 of which was very strenuous.

As a result, I had a family member pay me $1 of the $125:

Day 2 awaits.

I'm Sorry Jack Sh*t

2010-06-24T07:53:00.029-06:00

This is not hard.

2010-05-11T21:52:00.007-06:00

Lately I've found myself saying to a number of people that this is hard.

"This" being defined as changing my life in a number of ways, including losing weight.

But...here's what I know to be true:

It's not hard.

It's never hard to do the right thing...not truly.

It may be hard to accept mentally that we will do it, but the actually doing is not really hard per se.

Yes, it may suck to go work out (especially at first, or after a while of not doing it), or yes, it takes time to change our habits, and yes, it's not fun to ask for help and to take it, etc.

But it is not hard.

I don't want to argue semantics, so it's possible that people will disagree, but I don't think at the core many of us would ever really disagree with the fact that doing the right thing is actually less "hard", because of a myriad of reasons, all having to do with us feeling better, ultimately, for having done the right thing.

Again...yes, if we've struggled with weight or whatever for a long period of time our issues may absolutely seem "hard" to address effectively.

Yes, actually addressing them: exercising, eating something healthy vs. unhealthy, asking for help, going to a counselor, acknowledging our mistakes, saying we're sorry and trying to correct our issues with people, facing our reality, etc. ...can seem "hard".

But it's not really.

It's all about state of mind.

I love that I used to be cynical about people who earnestly believed "anything was possible", etc.

I LOVE that believing that, and actively thinking that and the many thoughts I've had over the years very similar to that, never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,

EVER helped me.

Never.

Because it just goes to show...it's about what you believe, and more importantly, it's about the actions you take to create, or to change, what you believe that matters.

Actions lead sometimes.

Actions lead sometimes and then our beliefs follow.

And then it's all synergy baby.

Momentum.

And it's up to us whether those actions, beliefs, and momentum are positive or negative.

It's up to me.

Should I, in the long-term, succeed or fail, I will always know, and be absolutely correct, that the fact is... it's only ever been up to me.

I choose to acknowledge the truth that this is a process.

A process that can take a massive amount of effort and time and tenacity and commitment.

But a "hard" process?

meh...

Only if I let it be.

The Pine Box Derby

2010-02-17T22:24:00.002-07:00

It was us.

Racing like the wind towards the checkered flag...

We were transcending the moment, the flashbulbs lighting up all over as we rounded the final curve...

The intensity was mounting, the pressure was building, we were getting so close...

All of our loved-ones were yelling and hollering at us from the sidelines...

The sweat, and the time, and the money, and the choices, and the sacrifices, and the agony had all led up to this...

But then...

amazingly...

miraculously...

we stopped.

We stopped racing to the grave.

We stopped short: some a bit back from that ultimate ending line, and some only just barely...but we all stopped.

We stopped and we started instead to let go of all that time, and money, and choices, and sacrifices, and agony that we had invested in...and wasted on...creating miserable, unhealthy lives.

We stopped, and for the first time by God we really, truly listened to what our loved-ones were yelling from the sidelines.

We stopped and we listened, and we heard their frantic, yelling, hoarse-voiced begging. With tears rolling down their faces, they pleaded...

"Please. Please come back to me."

"Please don't die and leave your family here alone..."

"Please don't leave us without a mother..."

"Please don't leave us without a father..."

"Please see how amazing you are and the opportunities you have in this life...they are endless!"

"Please don't do this to yourself. Do you not know that you are loved?!"

"You are my spouse, my best friend, why are you doing this to yourself?! Please turn around!"

"Don't you understand where you are headed?!?"

We stopped, and we got down on our knees right there on the track, and told ourselves that we would never go another step further.

We stopped that moment and committed to everything and everyone important to us that we would never finish that race.

We turned back instead and started on a new path.

A new journey.

And we are on that road now.

And as a result, we will have moments more incredible than our imaginations can even fathom. Those moments are yet for us to live.

There is a richness, and a power, and a beauty, and a joy that comes from making the right decisions, and making them as often as possible, and giving your all to every one of them.

And all of that is now ours for the taking.

We stopped short on that track before, and in doing so we left caskets sitting alone and unused by themselves at the finish line; caskets decaying and breaking apart with age...

They sit there still.

They were there waiting for us at the end of that race we used to be running. They were put there by us. Those ornate wooden crates were built by our own hands.

Yes, and those caskets would have housed our lives that we half-assed, our relationships we destroyed, our opportunities left unfulfilled, our gifts to the world left unharvested, our shattered faith and hope, our atrophied love for ourselves, and for some...our very bodies: bloated, and hollow, and dead.

But now the caskets lay in disrepair...wasting away.

Because we have the power to choose.

We can choose.

And choose wisely.

We can choose to embrace this gift of a life and create with it whatever we desire. The health, in every possible sense of the word, that we crave, can be ours.

So, let our next step be one down that new path.

Let us go forth with confidence and passion and love and truth and integrity and 100% effort.

Let us speed and fly towards a phenomenal, healthy life.

Are you ready?

On your mark...

Get set...

GO!!!

Wade in the Water

2009-12-09T21:54:00.004-07:00

	Bob Dylan - The Times They Are A-Changin'

	Found at skreemr.com

"Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'."

-Bob Dylan "The Times They Are A-Changin'"

Internally, I know the times, for me, are changing.

I can feel the tides of change rising again within me.

Now I'm, once again, at an early stage in working on this, but I am working. I am, if you will, doing more than hopelessly watching the waters rise around me.

I'm starting to embrace that the waters of change are rising because I'm causing them to, and the more effort I put into what I want in this life, the higher those waters get, which means I then have to put more energy into not drowning.

And so on.

It's a very tenuous, but impressive cycle.

A cycle that I know only allows me to thrive if I put the work in on every key part of it.

If I work to change, but do not work to keep afloat in the sea of forward momentum I'm creating, then I'll start to slowly sink back.

And so on.

Today was not the best day; there were big mistakes.

But, there were little successes, and I know that filling up my life with those is the key to the big ones following suit.

So, food:

Breakfast:
Two cups fat-free milk

Lunch:
One can chicken
Six tablespoons mayo
Six pieces of bread
Half cup parm cheese
Quarter cup honey roasted peanuts

Snack:
Two packages of ramen noodles

Dinner:
Three chicken burritos
One piece of bread
Two tablespoons chipotle mayo

Exercise;
I did 33 wall push-ups before work this morning.

I'm again starting to take those little extra steps; again beginning to feel a bit more in the moment; once again purposefully choosing to do things right the first time. More and more, and so-on, and so-forth.

For me, a week of eating right or exercising is great, but without those little things that are crucial to long-term, sustainable change, they're not enough.

Lets not kid ourselves...the waters of change are ebbing and flowing for all of us, all of the time. It's just that sometimes those rising waters represent the negative movement and momentum we're creating and engaging cyclically, action-by-action, day-by-day.

But sometimes - sometimes those waters we feel swell around us can be our strength and our growth. And it's up to you to harness that power, and, well...

...Then you better start swimmin'

Or you'll sink like a stone

For the times they are a-changin'.

What I've Done

2009-12-07T19:02:00.004-07:00

	Linkin Park - What Ive Done

	Found at skreemr.com

I'm sick with step throat, and that sucks.

What does not suck is that I've decided to write a post about how my day was, as a means to help me be mindful, honest, and focused on what I really want (thanks to Losing Waist for the idea in a recent email)

Here, today, is what I have done...

I ate the following:

Breakfast:
Two glasses of fat-free milk
One whole cucumber

Lunch:
Ten ounces of mozzarella cheese (rough estimate)
Four flour tortillas
Three tablespoons of chipotle mayo
Two cups of white rice
One cup of shredded pork
One ounce of cheddar cheese

Dinner:
Five tablespoons of cream cheese
Two cups of brown rice
Two Sun dried-Tomato Boca Burgers
Two cups of brown rice
Two flour tortillas
One wheat English muffin
One ounce of cheddar cheese

...and a partridge in a pear tree.

Well, that is a pretty heinous day.

Exercise for today?

None.

How do I feel?

Regretful, frustrated with myself, but I already feel much more positive, because just writing this blog is a step in right direction; a good choice I've made.

Okay, next, I think I'll go through the exercise of being very clear about what I really want, and what I really don't.

What I DO NOT want:

I don't want to binge
I don't want to eat too-big or too-unhealthy meals.
I don't want to remain sedentary all day.
I don't want to only take in (films, TV, books, newspapers, etc) fluff in my spare time.
I don't want to only take in things with negative messages that are in contrast to my values in my spare time.
I don't want to choose the easy way out, even in little ways (e.g. throw a piece of paper at the trash, miss, and not pick it up.)

I don't want the outcomes of the above things. I don't want to be unhappy, unmotivated, remain morbidly obese and die.

What I really DO want:

I want to eat healthy, average-sized meals.
I want to get exercise every day.
I want to take in positive, affirming, motivating, challenging things in my spare time.
I want to do what is right in all that I do.
I want to be honest.

I want to do all the things above because doing them makes me happy, motivated, energetic, strong, empowered, and healthy: mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Now, I let what I've done today go. I don't hold onto the guilt, anger, disappointment, etc.

I've shifted my focus forward.

My focus is now on those things that I truly want moving forward in the next moment of today and leading into tomorrow, and what choices I will make in order to get them.

The Bravery

2009-11-25T03:28:00.005-07:00

	The Bravery - Time Wont Let Me Go

	Found at skreemr.com

"Whenever I look back
On the best days of my life
I think I saw them all on T.V.

I am so homesick now for
Someone that I never knew
I am so homesick for
Someplace I will never be "

-The Bravery, "Time Won't Let Me Go"

I was reading Sean Anderson's always stellar blog the other day.

A topic he touched on struck me: "I am not a victim, I refuse to be one..."

I'm glad he mentioned that and discussed that concept, because it is always a valuable thing for me to revisit.

I've only, in the last year and a half of my life, even considered that concept; really, truly considered it. The concept of playing the victim.

I know that blaming someone else for our problems and thus wallowing in self-pity stops us from living a healthy, happy life. That's just a fact. No arguments, none. Period.

What I never used to see was how easy it is to do just that.

I never knew how closely my romanticising of various things in life were just self-pity, victimization, and martyrdom masquerading as poignancy, art, and feeling.

I listened to the song at the start of this post a lot in the winter of 2008 I think, while I was struggling with my weight and other issues of the time.

The song is nothing particularly special, musically or lyrically, but it spoke to me then. The lyrics combined with the music made me feel. The song, like so many others have, evoked a lot of emotions for me: loss, hurt, anger, regret, etc.

Above all else the message I chose to take from that song, without even realizing it, was:

"You're a victim. You've fouled up. Others have fouled you up. Mourn the past and the present. Mourn your future.

Mourn your future, because it is nothing but a consolation, a silver medal (at best).You'll never have what you truly want. You'll never be who you could have become."

Brutal.

I've always liked to think of myself as a romantic in a broad, pretentious, Renaissance-style sense. Someone who relished the gritty truth about life and all the complex feelings it brings. Someone who saw life for the intricate shades-of-grey reality it was, someone who read books, listened to music, and watched films that spoke deep truths and moved me powerful ways.

I know now that I've been nothing but a coward. A coward who tried to substitute a real life (one that actually comes with the various ups and downs, but one where I have have power, responsibility and accountability) for a bullshit life where I pretended I had no power and so could thus play the martyr for any consequences of my reactionary lifestyle (all the while romanticizing this "beautiful, but oh so painful" thing that was "life" - which was not really much more than thoughts, dreams, lyrics, quotes, books, films, and disowned actions.)

I don't want to romanticize life. I want to live it honestly, completely. I know I own my actions and choices. I don't need to hear poignant lyrics or see a moving film to taste reality, I want to envelop myself with reality everyday, standing up for my responsibility in every moment. That is life.

People screwed me up.

Yep. So what?

I've screwed up a lot.

Yep. So what?

Until I stop letting either of those two facts have any hold on how I make decisions, I'll never be able to succeed in righting those wrongs and I'll never become the person I am here to be, for myself and for others.

When I'm honestly and completely free from any victim mentality, it's all possible. And I can do it. I don't have to be a coward, I can be strong.

And I will.

There's nothing romantic about it, but it's real.

Weigh-In: Moving Forward

2009-11-16T08:29:00.008-07:00

I had a pretty significant relapse around food for a few weeks in October. I even relapsed with drinking at a point.

It sucked.

It alllllll sucked so much.

I take full responsibility for eating all the crap I ate. I take full responsibility for ending up drinking.

I gained back almost 40 lbs.

I have said it before, but let me say it again: I did not get to 667 lbs earlier this year by always being selfless, self-assured, open, honest, even-keeled, moderate, etc.

I got there by being, in general, a guy with a lot of unresolved issues.

Well, I have been working on dealing with issues for the past 6 months.

I have been working on creating change from the inside out.

And, I've fallen down a few times along the way.

I've made mistakes.

I've had failures.

I've made some very poor choices.

BUT, I am trying.

AND, I am succeeding.

I will right the wrongs long term.

I will continue to lose all this weight. Not because I'm dieting, but because I'm working on living in the moment, choosing as best I can with what I can control, letting go of what I can't; I'm loving myself and being good to my body, mind, and soul.

I will slowly continue to build up trust with myself. I will slowly continue to build trust with others. I will repair relationships and make reparations as best I can.

I will ultimately succeed because of this bottom line: I am working hard, through simple, fundamental actions, to become a better person in every single way.

After two weeks back in the saddle, I weighed this morning: 534.

I lost 28 pounds.

So, despite my missteps and failures, I continue to move forward.

I know what I have to do.

My path will not always be easy, but it could not be any more clear.

Coming Alive

2009-11-12T08:02:00.003-07:00

I'm getting back on track, day by day.

It's slow going here at first, but well worth it.

I just wanted to write this as an update to let folks know that my recent post wasn't my last gasp before my head fell back under water for another undetermined length of time.

I'm working at changing my life for the better again.

I did not know how apt my blog title would be when I started, but it has been. And that's fine.

Life is a journey - ups and downs.

I'll ultimately succeed. I know that.

I'll write more soon.

I hope everyone has a great day full of positive choices.

That's Life

2009-11-04T21:37:00.005-07:00

I suggest starting by pressing play on the music player immediately below.

	Frank Sinatra - That's Life

	Found at skreemr.com

That's life,

that's what all the people say,

you're riding high in April,

shot down in May.

But I know I'm gonna change that tune,

when I'm back on top,

back on top in June.

I said that's life,

and as funny as it may seem,

some people get their kicks,

stompin' on a dream.

But I don't let it, let it get me down,

'Cause this fine ol' world, it keeps spinning around.

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king.

I've been up and down and over and out, and I know one thing:

Each time I find myself,

flat on my face,

I pick myself up,

and get back in the race...

Weigh-In: It's Business Time

2009-10-12T20:55:00.003-06:00

I'm in SLC this week for a division meeting.

I got up and drove there this morning at 5:30.

I stopped at the almost empty (looking at least) senior citizen center, which, thankfully, was unlocked and unmanned (thankful for me; as I've said before, I worry about the lack of security for their citizens).

I went in and reflected on 7 days of on-plan eating, two 1/2 mile walks, a 1 mile walk, a 1.5 mile walk, a 2.4 mile walk, lots of wall push-ups, and a game of basketball(!).

The scale said: 523

14 pounds lost this week.

Onward and freaking upward.

Over the Top

2009-10-07T14:27:00.011-06:00

I recieved an award recently from 45+ and Aspiring.

I've seen this award, the Over the Top award, around the blogosphere, but never really knew what it was about.

I still don't.

I assume it has something to do with the 1987 Sylvester Stallone arm wrestling drama "Over the Top".

Which, by the way, is apparently a big inspiration and a huge favorite of a lot of people, including, surprisingly, a fairly large amount of the female weight-lose blogging community.
In any event, to 45+ and Aspiring: Thank you.

So, I don't care about the rules of this at all, so this will vary from some of these a bit.

Here we go:

1. Your hair? Salt and pepper. Admittedly more salt than pepper these days. My grandmother on my dad's side had completely white hair by the age of 18. I got my first grey hair at 12...thanks grandma.

2. Your favorite food? Sushi

3. Your favorite drink? In a different life, Bloody Marys. Today, H2theizz0.

4. Your hobby? Playing the piano.

5. Your fear? Dig this: when I was a kid I had some regular nightmares: monsters, Freddy
Kruger, the Gremlins. However, what is the thing that I had more, and scarier, nightmares about than anything as a kid? A huge fat man. I have no idea where that came from, but holy crap, it is a bit of a trip to think about how that was my greatest fear, even as a little tiny kid. How does that happen? *feel free to take peyote and discuss that one amongst yourselves.*

6. Something that you are not? Not awesome. (double negatives rule)

7. Muffins? I worked nights at a convenience store years ago as a second job. The manager bought muffins in bulk from Costco and then wrapped them individually to re-sell. When I worked I would ask the customer if they liked Costco muffins, and then tell them how ours were even better. I sold a lot of muffins and entertained myself.

8. Where are you from originally? Juneau, Alaska

9. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Anywhere, as long as I'm with my 6 years of health, and achieved and maintained weight loss and recovery.

10. How are you doing SoC? Wow, personal. Well, I'll tell you:

I'm excellent.

I'm blazing a trail.

Building on every little healthy action; every little healthy choice.

It's all coming together and adding up.

I can feel it.

Weigh-In: It was written in numbers

2009-10-05T13:36:00.006-06:00

60 = The number of wall push-ups I did on Thursday: my best this week. Also, I am now doing the push-ups on my complete tip-toes.

3.2 = The number of miles I walked Saturday: my best this week.

0 = The number of calories I went over my food plan every day last week.

7 = The number of days I worked out this last week. All 7. Monday - Sunday.

10,080 = The number of minutes that I was in control of my decisions last week.

13 = The number of pounds I lost last week.

130 = The number of pounds I've lost in 3 months.

Never = When I'm going to stop creating and living a healthy life.

? = What's stopping you

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

2009-09-30T21:56:00.004-06:00

Who's body is, every day, feeling so much better as a result of his good choices?

Today, I finished a meeting and went for a quick walk downtown.

One of the quickest walks I've done in a long time actually:

I walked 1/2 a mile (including a hill) in just under 10 minutes.

Not much for most, but for my 550 lb self, that's the first time I've walked that fast in probably 2 years I'd guess. So, I will take it.

Big time.

Also, tonight I did 60 wall push-ups.

AND I feel great mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

I feel like I am being refined.

And improved.

And I am.

Oh man, I can't even wait.

I am in the process of something momentous here.

This is only the beginning.

So, remember: tomorrow is mine, like it is yours, to do for ourselves whatever we choose....to mold and sculpt our actions, decisions, and very beings into whatever we wish them to be.

For me, I am going to keep tearing it up in all that I do.

It's entirely up to you.

To Be Truly Healthy

2009-09-28T13:45:00.009-06:00

When I lived in Salt Lake City a few years ago I went downtown one Saturday morning and auditioned for The Biggest Loser.

I had a phenomenal time with the people there, both BL hopefuls like myself, as well as with the casting staff.

Through a variety of call backs - on-site, phone, and video, I was just about to be, it appeared to me at least, cast on the show.

However, by the time they called me, that last, climactic time, to tell me, it had been months and months.

And I had gained over 100 pounds.

I got their message and never called them back.

Too fat for the show I thought, I'd lost my chance. They wouldn't want me anymore now that I was over 500 lbs.

Well, I may have been right, but more importantly, it doesn't matter.

I'm grateful I didn't go on the show. It's the same kind of gratitude I have around not getting Gastric Bypass despite the incessant urgings of family and friends over the years.

I have a lot to work through, and weight is only the symptom. And I want to do it all in a healthy way. That is the only real way for me, now: healthy.

I don't want to lose 200 pounds in 2 months spent w/o my job, day-to-day life, and normal responsibilities.

And I don't want to have a surgeon alter my body in order to induce medically-approved starvation.

When I didn't get on the show and when I kept turning down weight loss surgery, I had years of unpleasantness ahead of me.

It was painful. I suffered more failures, gained more weight, caused more anguish to myself and those who care about me.

But, I'm not in that place anymore.

I'm moving in a new direction now, and have been for some time.

And as to how I came about that new direction?

Organically.

Through trials and tribulations and learning and growing.

So now, I don't want what the American Medical Association and the Biggest Loser want for me.

Now I want to learn about moderation and working hard to accomplish a goal that matters, for me. I want to love myself and treat myself with enough kindness that losing weight is a secondary result. I want to heal emotionally/mentally/spiritually AND physically so that I will be able to sustain my success for a lifetime.

And I will.

Recently I have been seeing this banner ad for Jillian Michael's website.

Well, last time I saw it, just for fun, I clicked it.

I had no expectation to do more than walk through a couple of the registration steps to see what it was about.

Well, on her homepage you get started with your "free" weight-loss plan. Again, no expectations on my part, so I put in the data: age, height, email, goal weight, and, of course, my current weight: 550 lbs, and I proceeded to CLICK THERE IT'S FREE!!!!.

Read what it said.

There in the screenshot above. The pinkish box on the right side. That box popped up when I clicked.

It's an error message.

It says: "Hey, please take care of the following: Please enter a valid weight."

Simply. Priceless.

Well, 550 is my weight. It's as real and valid as can be.

I obviously had some struggles during the last few weeks. And I hadn't weighed myself since 9/9. I knew however that I'd gained weight. I could feel it. How much I didn't know.

Thankfully, after getting back on track early last week, I've been back on in a big way. So, I'm back at 550 lbs, 1 pound heavier than I was when I got back from my trip.

I'm grateful I didn't do more damage, or maybe grateful that I was able to recover from the damage I did do so fast. Either way, I am grateful.

And moreover, I am excited.

Excited because my future is bright.

It may not have a weight loss reality show gig to offer, or a magical medical procedure to help.

No, it has so much more.

This week, as only any of us can do - one day at a time, I will continue to move into that future with exuberance and joy.

I am reclaiming my life through my actions.

That is beautiful.

That is healthy.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Broken Phone, but Whole Self

2009-09-26T16:17:00.005-06:00

So...my cell phone broke in half a few days ago.

Broke. In. Half.

How could that happen?

Did I flip it open and smash it over my knee in anger?

Did I leave it open on the floor and accidentally step on it?

Did I snap it half with my fingers to impress a girl with my super human strength?

No, I opened it like I have a thousand times, and it broke in half.

And at&t, unfortunately, could not help. Could not get me a replacement phone.

Now, I am not a person who has a blind hate of corporations and thinks that they are inherently evil.

I think there is way too much greed in a lot of people who work in the corporate world and even among those who run them; I believe that greed hurts all of those people, and a whole lot of others too as a result.

But, the basic idea of Capitalism: I love it. It's one of the many things that makes America, despite our flaws, a truly unique and amazing country.

At&t has done a great job in the marketplace and have thrived, and I can earnestly say more power to them.

Anyway, where I start to take issue with a corporation is in a situation like this. And, first, do note that if I had dropped my phone, been careless with it, etc, I would be happy to take responsibility. I've lost phones before, I've dropped them in rivers and pools, I have damaged them, and so, I never called at&t to complain.

It wasn't their fault those times...it was mine.

This time, it was their fault.

And they could do nothing to help me.

But, here's the thing:

Oh well.

I let it go.

I chose to let it stop bothering me.

What a powerful ability we have in THAT choice.

Truly.

A few of the things I've been working on over the last 3 months, along with my physical health, is my emotional/mental/spiritual health.

And of those issues, a few sub groups come into play in this issue: Anger, Resentment, and Forgiveness.

While it may not seem like much, the few hours spent on the phone with customer support that ended with injustice could have, probably WOULD have, made me extremely angry. It likely would've put me in a nasty funk for the rest of the day.

As time went on I would stew about the injustice, and resent what happened. Resent the company, the actually good service people that I spoke to, and all cell phone companies!

Resentment man, it eats at your soul.

It really does.

It gnaws away at you, and every foothold it gets in your psyche is one where happiness, serenity, and love cannot exist.

Instead, I chose to let it go. I had tried to do what I could, but had run out of options.

So, why let something that I can't change make me feel miserable?

I'm not going to waste my valuable energy on resentment.

I'm not going to waste my valuable time being angry.

I chose to forgive the company, and move on.

And here's the thing, I think that most people have moments like this frequently in life. Whether it's with a company or a friend, a boss or a spouse, whatever. No matter what it is specifically about, it boils down to:

1) A situation or conflict that doesn't go our way, and;

2) A choice we have to make: Do we let the outcome rule us?

Do we choose to go into a funk because of what happened?

Do we choose to steam and froth with anger all day because of it?

Do we choose to treat other people in our lives less kind, and with less love and respect as a result?

Do we choose to not work-out because of it? To slack off on our plan at dinner? To stuff our faces with comfort food?

Well, we never have to, because it is always OUR choice.

Always our choice.

How incredibly powerful we are.

The Peanut Butter Solution

2009-09-24T12:48:00.005-06:00

I had a jar of peanut butter, and a jar of jelly sitting on my desk.

I guess I should stop briefly and mention that I work from home.

Anyway, I had these two jars of delectable comfort-food treats sitting next to my computer.

They looked harmless.

The jelly jar even featured a charming elderly couple posed similarly to the couple in the American Gothic painting. Only instead of the stern, fairly grim look of the AG couple, these two on the "American Northwest's Strawberry 'Real Fruit' Spread" label looked cheery and inviting. They looked like once I ate some jelly they might have just got me a glass of warm milk and made up a bed for me in the den so I could rest; perhaps leave a couple of Worther's Originals on my bedside table for the morning.

The reason these jars were on my desk may or may not have something to do with the fact that in the not so at all distant past ( a few days ago) I brought them in there...to eat...out of the jars.

Well, because I was born on Abe Lincoln's birthday, I too cannot tell a lie (other traits Lincoln and I share include chopping down a cherry tree with an axe and my trusty blue ox Babe, and the power to grin down bears by the age of 3.)

So, I must truthfully tell you that I ate some of these jars contents.

"Some" being a relative term.

To put it more accurately, I ate about 14 ounces of peanut butter and 18 ounces of strawberry jelly.

In one sitting.

But, THAT is not why I come here today.

No, today I write to say that last night I was pretty hungry.

I started thinking: "Self, you know what might satiate that longing hunger inside you?"

To which I replied: "The Peanut Butter and Jelly!"

"No, not the pb&j. Remember, you need to put those kind of ridiculous desires aside. After all, you just TODAY started your end of year weight loss and health re-start: 'The Hotness Begins: 100 days of Autumn (& Winter) ~ Motivationathon 2009, Version 2.0 - I'm Here for the Gangbang!"

Bitterly I protested: "Yea, but so what, tomorrow is when it really starts, on day 99. The hundredth day is just kind of a starting place for show. Kind of honorary, but not a real rubber-to-the-road, kind of starting day."

"No." I firmly stated. "Don't do it."

"But why?" I continued "Why should I trust you? Look at your ridiculous moustache!"

Well, I felt kind of betrayed and insulted, but I knew that I was wrong...er...right. You know, both.

Anyway, long story short (ish), I decided to not eat the remainders of the pb&j, or any at all for that matter. In fact, I threw them away entirely. Just a small thing, but more moments like that will ultimately reap huge rewards.

I believe they call that a NSV, which I think stands for Non-Sexual Vacuum. I don't really know.

In any event, I said no to the urge to binge and hell yes to keeping on the path to where I want to be.

Victory!

take me in and dry the rain...

2009-09-23T17:25:00.010-06:00

Here's the thing: when in Vegas a few weeks ago it sounded like a good idea to my friend and I that we both shave our beards into moustaches because we were soon going to Tombstone and a bewhiskered homage to the gunslingers of yesteryear sounded right.

So, we did.

And, as it turns out, that was an epic victory. I had never worn only a moustache before, but our strolling down the dirt roads of the old west with them was just about perfect.

Now - fast forward to this last week: here's what I have learned: while moustaches can be funny and cool during an old west road trip, once you've got a week's stubble, a noticeably larger face, and you've been drinking, a moustache seems to really come into its own and show its true a**hole colors.

I once thought my moustache rested on my face in a dignified posture with a hint of badass and a touch of ironic amusement. Now I see it smugly splayed out above my upper lip, making itself obscenely comfortable; openly mocking me because it knows I've succumbed to it's insidious power - succumbed to that same dirtbaggedness that almost all moustache wearers fall to at some point.

Bad times.

So, in summary:

Moustache on road trip = good

Moustache during downward spiral = evil

Now, moving on:

South Beach Steve (I like that name. I know it's related to the diet, but I like the "place + name" naming convention. I want to be known as Erie Canal Chad, or Hudson Bay Chad, or maybe Mississippi Chad. Hmmm, yea, I don't know. None of those are what I want. The problem probably starts with Chad not being my name. Meh.)

Anyway, today South Beach Steve is starting his " The Hot 100 – Going Out With a Bang!" contest. And while I'm opting not to participate, I do like both Steve's blog AND delicious pickled vegetables (I'm referring of course to the contest's prize: a jar of the ridiculously good sounding, homemade "smoked, sweet & sour, pickled jalapenos.")

However, I am very grateful that Steve pointed out that, including today, there are 100 days left in 2009; a great goal-ready timeline if ever there was one.

As such, I am going to start my own end-of-year weight loss and health effort. I humbly call it: "The Hotness Begins: 100 days of Autumn (& Winter) ~ Motivationathon 2009, Version 2.0 - I'm Here for the Gangbang!"

The key for me to have a successful THB100DOA&WM2009V2.0IHFTGB is going to be the starting point. Nothing can be achieved without first having been begun (as I believe Yates once wrote), and given that I am just coming out of a streak-breaking funk, this initial push is most important indeed.

So, here is my plan:
1) Eat healthy - roughly 1500-2000 calories a day w/almost all whole foods.
2) Exercise - walk, or get some form of cardio, at least 4 times a week. Lift weights at least 3 times a week.
3) Do the mental, emotional, and spiritual things that were working so well and leading me into recovery.

I have a couple of different numbers in my head of my ideal weight loss success for this effort, but I'm not going to stress them. I know...KNOW, that if I do what I need to do over the next 100 days, that I will be very happy with where I'm at.

Alrighty, and there we are.

Stage 6: Relapse

2009-09-15T08:13:00.005-06:00

I relapsed over the last few days regarding food and drink.

I've relapsed countless times before in my life: felt like crap, hated myself, believed recovery hopeless, yet swore fervently never to relapse again.

This time I don't feel that way.

I feel disappointed, but I also know the change I've created over the last 3 months has been the most real of my life, and it's only just begun.

I don't feel the same extreme urgency and intense passion to stem the tide and swear off these issues again. I don't plan to do these things again mind you, but I KNOW what works now. I've done it, and so I KNOW I can do it again.

I never KNEW, from experience before, because before my change had never been comprehensive, holistic, and driven by what has proven to work.

So, as the Stages of Change say regarding stage 6, Relapse, I now plan to:

Evaluate trigger for relapse: Relapse triggered by not doing necessary daily routines (spiritually, emotionally) while on my road trip thus leaving me unrooted and weakened once I returned.

Reassess motivation and barriers: Motivation is feeling as good as I did this summer: the best I've ever felt in my whole life. Barriers are not taking the necessary daily steps.

Plan stronger coping strategies: I will return to doing the work today, and with help from several resources, will regain traction over the next week. From there I will simply continue to strengthen in all that I do, the same way I was before, and consistently, over time, my abilities to cope, deal, live, love, etc, will all grow amazingly strong.

"When we are sure that we are on the right road there is no need to plan our journey too far ahead. No need to burden ourselves with doubts and fears as to the obstacles that may bar our progress. We cannot take more than one step at a time" - Orison Swett Marden

Ramblin' Man

2009-09-11T12:13:00.055-06:00

pix: click on any of them to see the much bigger, better versions.

The Two of Us, Vegas, Green River, Route 66, Oatman, Wild Burros, Wigwam Motel, Rural Truck Stop Strip Club, Tombstone, Driving, Indian Ruins, Monument Valley, Old Town, Coal Mine, Dry River Beds, Bisbee, Grand Canyon

RoadTripping Route 118

2009-09-09T21:12:00.006-06:00

I just spent almost 2 weeks traveling around the southwest with a buddy...

We saw the Grand Canyon: north and south rim.

We drove the great, historical route 66.

We received excellent straight razor shaves at a little barbershop south of Vegas.

We paid an Indian 3 dollars to spray a water bottle on the ground to show us "dinosaur tracks".

We watched one of the most hilariously amateurish gunfight reenactment shows imaginable in Tombstone.

We walked around Monument Valley feeling like John Wayne.

We drove through a polygamous community (we stopped for gas and the first thing I heard when I walked inside the station was one woman, in a homemade dress from her neck to her feet, say to another similarly attired woman: "...so we finally decided to have one of us be in charge of the schooling, and the other one be in charge of the cleaning...")

We bought machetes at a convenience store.

We laid in the middle of the highway, in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere in Utah and enjoyed one of the most amazing views of the stars I've ever seen.

I ate a green chili burger with fries, a 1/2 pound hot dog, and the buffet at the Bellagio.

With the exception of those three meals however, I ate on plan every day, all day. I mostly ate food I bought at stores and cooked myself, but also ate a number of other meals at restaurants. Alllllll of which were healthy and beautiful.

I walked my ass off all over the southwest.

I arrived home at 5:30am this morning, and at 8:00am I got up and made the journey across town to the old folks home.

And the scale said this: 549 lbs.

I went on a 12 day vacation...

that included 5 days in Vegas...

and I came back 28 pounds later.

I saw a lot of milestones on this trip, but I didn't pass the sweetest one until I got home.

A Feral Burro Had It's Head in My Car Window

2009-08-31T14:19:00.002-06:00

I'm on vacation.

Roadtripping the southwest with a buddy of mine; had a few great days so far with another week yet to come.

I'm not likely to be on here much for the remainder of the trip, so if you don't see me posting, know that it's not me isolating in a food-fueled funk (ALLITERATION), but rather driving through the desert, eating the fresh, healthy food from our cooler that I prepared in advance.

I hope everyone has a great week.

Soy Un Perdedor...

2009-08-24T08:17:00.003-06:00

...I'm a loser, baby.

I had a great week. I continued my damn near flawless eating, while upping my cardio to three walks during the week (at 1, 1.3, and 1.5 miles respectively), and I lifted weights twice.

As a result, I lost 10 pounds last week.

And, likely more importantly, I continued my mental/emotional/spiritual recovery in a big bad way.

Here's to a wonderful week full of great choices for us all!

Weigh-In Day & A Very Special K

2009-08-17T13:12:00.002-06:00

It finally happened, as I knew it would. After 5 weeks of great weight loss results via healthy eating, low sodium, and beginning at a HUGE starting weight, the scale slowed down this week.

In the past, a number like this would have upset me quite a bit, but I can honestly say that today I am fine with it. Would I have liked more? Of course. However, I knew this would come soon and actually predicted yesterday to my brother-in-law that this week was it, despite having another ridiculously on track eating week.

I knew the weight loss would slow because I haven't yet upped my exercise. I've walked, on average, twice a week for about 40 minutes each most weeks so far.

I knew that even at this high weight, I'd eventually stop the monster numbers that have been based on the healthy change in my eating habits and a little exercise. I knew the day would come due to the lack of exercise and the natural plateau I usually reach between 5 and 8 weeks.

My number this week was 5 pounds lost.

Now this week, I will begin to up the exercise; here is my plan: Lift weights 3 times this week; starting just with the various arm, chest and shoulder exercises I can do with my dumbbells and barbells here at home. I am also going to up my walking to at least 3 days this week.

Lastly, I wanted to say that though I walked it instead of running of course, and though it was obviously very slow (one hour and 20 minutes) in the grand scheme of things, that on Saturday morning I walked a 5k.

Not an official 5k event or anything, but I set out to walk that distance myself Saturday morning, and I did.

I feel AWESOME about it.

So, I challenge anyone who reads this to, when you are feeling like not exercising, or even better, when you are feeling like you don't want to push yourself any harder while walking or working out, remember that a 587 lb man did a 5k a few days ago.

Because, if I can do that....what can you?

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

2009-08-14T17:01:00.006-06:00

"I do believe that people do not change. A cheater will always be a cheater, and a winner will always be a winner." - Tony "The Anti-Jared" Posnanski

Change.

Change is one of the most constant, yet controversial things in life. Change can evoke a lot of different feelings in people, and can result in a lot of different things: Fear, Hope, Excitement, Worry, Fresh Outlooks, Healing, Illness, Success, Failures, etc.

I was reading Tony's blog this morning, as I do with many blogs daily. I was making my way through today's post when I came across the above mentioned quote; I stopped.

Change.

"...People do not change"

I immediately felt the urge to discuss that notion (as you might expect, given the name of my blog), so here we go:

The first thing I want to say is that obviously there are elements of each of us that are just who we are and cannot be changed. But I don't want to talk about those; it's not at all relevant to this discussion. I want to talk about exactly what the above quote does: the belief that in life there are successes and failures, cheaters and winners. Once a winner always a winner; once a failure always a failure.

The next thing I want to do in order to discuss this topic is to briefly review my weight problems and weight loss history:

I've been heavy my whole life, but I became morbidly obese in my teens. Below is a breakdown of the major weight benchmarks in my life, and my weight loss efforts around them.

350 lbs by 16 years old. I walked, lifted weights, ate healthy, and lost 50 lbs.
420 lbs by 19. I walked, lifted weights, ate healthy, and lost 50 lbs.
430 lbs by 21. I walked, lifted weights, ate healthy, and lost 50 lbs.
550 lbs by 23. I walked, lifted weights, ate healthy, and lost 178 lbs.
580 lbs by 26. I walked, ate healthy, and lost 75 lbs.
667 lbs by 27. I've walked, eaten healthy, and have lost 75 lbs so far.

So, a couple things to deduce from that history.:

Like most fat people, I know how to lose weight. I'm pretty damn good at it actually. Now don't get me wrong, I have also lost some weight here and there via a number of "quick and easy" efforts: Isagenix, Atkins, etc. But again, I know how to lose weight, as does virtually everyone...um, well, just in case there is anyone who does not, here's the answer: burn more calories than you take in. Got it? Good; now you can understand why there are hundreds of thousands of books trying to help the masses understand that mystifying, complex equation: how to lose weight. I digress.
Like most chronically fat and obese people, I have been unable to sustain weight loss for any significant amount of time and have generally ended up regaining the weight that was lost and then some.

So, I am trying to lose the weight again. But wait, why bother right? I've clearly shown I am the kind of person who is always fat. After all, like the terrible "Fat Peoples Rights" movement says: "Most people gain back the weight they lose", and thus, why keep trying? Why not just accept myself for my fatness and pick up the "progressive social movement" of Fat Empowerment! "You must put calories on Menus! You must give me two plane tickets for the price of one! You must stock your business with huge chairs for me to sit in! No? DISCRIMINATION!!! LAWSUITS!!!"

I digress.

Here's why I'm not stopping: Change.

I know enough about life to recognize that, obviously, people CAN change. People can change both for the worse and for the better. A sober, responsible person can become an arrogant, abusive drunk halfway through their life. A repeat juvenile offender can become a law abiding, family-having, positively-contributing member of society for the remainder of their adult lives.

I also know enough about life to recognize that true, individual change comes from within; that it is intrinsic. It HAS to be.

I can even can tell you what kind of change is the best, or at least, my personal favorite: Redemptive change.

Don't believe me? Here are a tiny sampling of books and movies that are about people changing, and again, even better, redemption through change:

Books: The Bible, numerous other religious texts, Les Miserable, Uncle Tom's Cabin, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, Crime and Punishment, A Tale of Two Cities, Faust, The Brothers Karamazov, A Christmas Carol, The Count of Monte Cristo, East of Eden, etc.

Movies: It's a Wonderful Life, The Pursuit of Happiness, The African Queen, Good Will Hunting, Beauty and the Best, On the Waterfront, Groundhog Day, Remember the Titans, Ben Hur, etc.

If change is possible, and can even be beautiful, then why haven't I been able to keep the weight off? Well, here's my thought: I changed the outside.

Successfully.

Over, and over, and over, and over.

But, I never changed inside.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I can tell you my experience:

I never kept the weight off and generally gained even more weight because I put food first, inside. That's what I cared about most. That's what I thought about most.

I didn't get to the point that I could barely walk by helping others.

I didn't get to be a depressed, morbidly obese stroke-risk by putting my family and friends first.

I didn't eat 11,000 calories a day being upfront and honest with my loved ones.

I didn't get to 400 pounds, 500 pounds, or 600 pounds by being selfless.

So, I am trying to lose weight again, and this time, for life. To accomplish that I will continue to do whatever it takes: take control where necessary, let go of control where necessary.

Most important I will continue to change. Change the way I think, the way I act, and consequently, who I am.

Because if I don't change what's inside, the outside likely wont stay changed.

I pray to God that this time I change who I am.

Because who I've been would die young; a selfish, grossly obese man.

Eating Yourself To Death for Dummies

2009-08-12T22:36:00.009-06:00

I went to the doctor recently because of some swelling in my legs I've had for the last few months, it seems like a manageable issue and he gave me a couple of things to do, one of which is to keep my sodium level around 2,000 milligrams a day. Eating a low sodium diet lately has been great, but pretty hard. I have been fairly surprised how hard it is to consume so little sodium, as well as how crucial eating fresh food with barely anything canned and eating very little condiments has ended up being.

In any event, I was thinking about sodium while I ate my dinner tonight, and I started mulling over the fact that I must have really been eating a lot of sodium when I was actively binging. Well, long story (somewhat) short: I ran the numbers.

Now, I have listed the food I used to eat to myself many times, and I think I've even talked about one of my binges on this blog, but today was the first time I ever looked at the various nutritional elements of a day...the way I used to eat.

So, a quick note: the example shown below is typical (the food choices changed daily, but the below sample is standard) of how I was eating for the better part of the last 10 months, and, with the exception of the "1st Dinner" (roughly 700 calories), and with the inclusion of a whole fifth of vodka, nightly, (roughly 800 calories), the way I had previously been eating for the last 3 years.

Without any further adieu, I give you a rare glimpse into a very typical day of an actively disfunctional, morbidly obese man, tentatively titled: "Eating Yourself to Death for Dummies".

Breakfast - Nothing.

Lunch -

Taco Bell:

1 Cheese Quesedilla
1 Beef Grilled Stuft Burrito - w/Baja sauce (a creamy pepper sauce)
2 Grilled Chicken Burrito - w/creamy avocado sauce
2 Half-Pound Cheesy Double Beef Burritos w/Baja sauce
1 Side of Baja Sauce
1 Extra Large Raspberry Ice Tea

McDonald's:

2 Double Cheeseburgers w/mayo
1 Large French Fry
1 20 Piece Chicken McNugget
3 Packets of Ranch Dressing
1 Large Milkshake

1st Dinner (I would eat with the family so as to appear normal, then sneak a 2nd Dinner into the house):

This would always vary obviously, but a quesedilla w/chili beans, a serving of Spanish rice, and a salad w/caesar dressing would be a fairly regular example.

2nd Dinner -

1 Full Can of Pringles
1 King Size Reeses FastBreak Candy Bar
1 Foot Long Subway Melt Sandwich on white w/extra cheese and extra mayo
1 Foot Long Chicken and Bacon Ranch Sandwich on monterrey cheddar w/extra cheese and extra mayo.

So there you go, though the foods differed from day to day (other days lunches would be a similar amount, but from Burger King & Jack in the Box instead, and other dinners would be a couple of pizzas from Dominoes instead, etc,) that is a very accurate example of a day...the way I used to eat.

Now for the numbers:

Daily Grams of Fat: 600

Daily Milligrams of Sodium: 23,000

Daily Calories: 11,000

Six hundred grams of fat, twenty three thousand milligrams of sodium, and eleven thousand calories: daily.

DAILY.

That blew my mind.

Thankfully, I never have to eat that way again, and, by the grace of God, I never will.

I look forward to time passing, and to my health continuing to improve, and to those horrible numbers becoming memorials to an increasingly distant era of self destruction.

I look forward to seeing those numbers collecting dust, only serving to mark the death knell of that era because it was then that I was given another way, I was given another chance...

and I took it, and never looked back.

15 Step

2009-08-10T08:19:00.006-06:00

I walked through the old downtown portion of Pocatello on Saturday; all along the big faded neon signs, and old fashioned glass store fronts.

There was a kitchen appliance store selling Maytag refrigerators and dishwashers that were displayed prominently up front in the large windows by the sidewalk, much as I imagine they were all throughout the country 50 years ago as the housewife of that era looked into the window of those stores imagining themselves buying those appliances and thus becoming the proud owner of the "kitchen of tomorrow...today."

I eventually made my way to the "end" of the town where the old brick buildings and false store fronts stop, and then walked by the small, art deco greyhound station on my way to the railroad yard.

I walked through the yard, stopping to watch a train pass a few times (thinking of the John Galt line), and eventually made my way to the other side where I continued my walk.

In another 15 minutes or so I completed my walk. I had gone 2 miles in an hour; woohoo!

What a lovely walk for a Saturday afternoon, and what an accomplishment for a 607 lb man; I am awfully proud of that.

Though, to be fair, I did drive across town this morning and pay my weekly visit to the retirement home where I use the scale, and as it turns out, though I was 607 lbs when I weighed last week, I probably wasn't that much by Saturday. When I weighed this morning I learned that I lost 15 pounds last week.

I feel so grateful for the position I'm in to be able to heal and continue towards health, as well as for the help and support from so many in my life, personal and in the blogging community.

Ahhhhh, it does feel nice, I must say.

Here's to a wonderful week full of great choices for us all.

Morning Has Broken

2009-08-03T08:35:00.005-06:00

...and with it comes good news; the couple quick things are as follows:

A) I walked another 1.5 miles last night in 40 minutes. Excellent!

B) I told somebody over the weekend that I'm feeling good, then sort of sheepishly added, "I feel really good actually, I have been kind of purposely playing it down." Their response was: "I know. I've seen it in your eyes." It blew me away, and actually brought tears to my eyes because they had seen it; their validation and understanding of the changes I'm making from the inside out was amazing.

C) After getting back from weighing today I thought: "Maybe I should treat myself for breakfast", which is something, after a good weigh-in during previous attempts to lose weight/get healthy/etc, that I've always done. BUT, again, for the third week in a row, I said "Nope" and just ate a regular breakfast. I'm starting to notice these moments each time and they feel good, because they are all about the true change that is occurring.

D) I lost 18 pounds this last week.

Here's to a wonderful week full of great choices for all of us!

A Walk In My Shoes

2009-07-31T12:59:00.011-06:00

First, a warning: You may trip while taking a walk in my shoes unless you too have size 17 feet.

Second, actually don't bother. You don't need to walk in my shoes, I already did last night.

In fact, I walked quite a bit, for me. The most I've walked in some time: 1 1/2 miles. It was great. I have to say I'm pretty impressed with myself. And not only did I walk 1. 5 miles, but I did it in about 40 minutes, which is very cool, especially when I realized that my last "big" walk like this was 1.3 in 50 minutes. So that means that this time I walked a longer distance and I did it faster.

Today I'm feeling good. I feel like I'm healing.

I feel strong - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I feel grateful, happy, and measured.

That's it for now. ~~Good luck~~ Good choices to all of us this weekend!

Let It Be

2009-07-27T22:48:00.004-06:00

This last week has been great.

I've been working at, well, at what amounts to "livin' right".

I've been trying to embrace the fundamental truths of life and just stay that course.

Now mind you, I'm sure this lifestyle likely sounds incredibly obvious, but I know enough about human nature, and myself most certainly, to recognize that the obvious things in life aren't often the things that are acted on.

So anyway, here are some basic truths I'm finally living:

1) I'm telling the truth. AMAZING, but maaan, what a relief it is. How good it feels.

2) I'm treating my body well.

3) I'm actively exercising faith. Another great feeling; it's freeing.

4) I'm putting good things into my body in regards to what I read, listen to, watch, etc. Now, I know not everyone will believe this, but, when I read daily meditation/self-help/recovery/weight loss/etc. books, I feel better overall that day than when I read nothing but celebrity gossip websites and negative political blogs. When I listen to Bach cello suites or excellent Ben Folds songs all day I feel better than when I listen to Rammstein and Ice Cube.

Yes, astounding though it is, I'm beginning to suspect a correlation to not only what I physically put in my body and how it thus feels, but to what I listen to, watch, and read, and how I feel as a result. I love Elliot Smith, but I dare you to listen to his catalogue exclusively for a couple days without feeling depressed, and I've only heard a couple of songs by Slipknot, but I can't imagine listening to their stuff for any significant period of time and being able to feel like I was at peace with myself.

5) I'm living in the moment. I'm not planning a binge tonight, I'm not looking for the next opportunity to sneak out and drink, and I'm not preoccupied with trying to create a new lie to cover for another one I previously told. I am in the moment, and I'm in it with the people I'm with in that moment, for example: I'm eating lunch with my sister, and I'm just feeling the feelings of the moment: the thoughts and the actions of the moment. I'm bringing none of any past negative interactions we've ever had into the moment, I am simply enjoying the time spent with someone I love. I'm doing that with everyone.

6) I'm letting anger go. A big one for me, but guess what, Anger sssuuuccckkkkssss. It makes me ssssssssssssooooooooooooo tiiiiiiirrrrrrreeeeeeeddddddd. It takes a massive toll on my body, mind, and spirit. I can't have it. I have an anger problem, albeit not a frequent one, but now I'm trying to let things be, and starting to do the work to let long standing resentments go, and forgive others and ultimately, hopefully, eventually, myself.

Ahhhhhh, just talking about all this makes me realize, and be grateful for, the weight that's been lifted off of my shoulders through all these actions.

I've found that, basic and obvious though it may be, it helps to lighten ones load by letting go off everything unnecessary, and just doing what's true; what's right.

And speaking of "lightening ones load" (dig the segue), I lost 12 unbelievably unnecessary pounds last week.

Thanks to all for their support. Good luck to us all tomorrow

The Weigh I Am

2009-07-20T20:25:00.010-06:00

I drove the lonely drive of the formerly damned this morning. I drove across town in the early morning with the sun just beginning to tease the heat soon to follow.

My destination was the only place in 100 miles (outside, I assume, of truck weigh stations) that has a scale that I can get a read on.

So, as I've mentioned before, it was there I went. I walked in as I always do, which is to say: unannounced. I was told once by a woman who used to work at the old folks home where in the facility their scale is located. Since then, when weighing, I just walk in, head to the room, weigh, and take my leave.

It does add an admittedly surreal quality to the whole experience. An experience which, when you have a body as big as mine, is (like virtually anything I do in public) already fairly surreal. It often seems as if one of the guests on a very special "Human Oddity" episode of Maury Povich has escaped the television studio in search of sustenance.

I digress.

I walked in to the senior center and, as expected, for whatever reason, every staff member I encountered at any point within the stale smelling labyrinth seemed to think I had an acceptable reason to be there. It's pretty weird frankly; I have never, not once, been asked what I am doing there. It seems a nice place, but I'm kind of glad that no one I know lives there - you know, what with the big fat bearded men they allow to wander the place.

So I walked in as usual and successfully made my way to the room with the scale. No staff or anyone stopped me from getting there because I am apparently TOO BIG TO FAIL.

I stood on the scale and saw a 10 pound loss.

Wonderful.

Here's to a good tomorrow and another great week!

Start Me Up

2009-07-19T18:30:00.003-06:00

The other day I was reading WHO ATE MY BLOG? It's written by a gentleman named Stephen from Alabama who started his weight loss journey in the same neck of the woods (600 lbs +) as myself. Well, since I've come back to reading blogs again I have been stoked to discover he has been kicking it hard the last few months and is now safely below 600, and well on his way to Talladega (read his blog to learn about that cool challenge).

Anyway, as I've been getting back into the blogging world, I've been reading his often for inspiration. The other day I was reading Stephen's blog and was looking over his great list of Goals and Milestones: on the list was walking a 5K.

Now, I haven't exercised much at all in the last three months, and I have not gone for a walk once. So, as I thinking about the 5k goal, I figured I ought to get back out there and walk. Walking has always been one of my favorite exercises and the one I've had the most success with.

So, last night I decided to go for a walk. I've gotten so big and haven't walked for so long I wasn't sure how far I could go - I really had no idea. I thought a couple of blocks would likely be all.

Well, I walked 1.3 miles (I drove the route afterwards to gauge the length with my odometer). And though in some respects I feel weird at how good it felt, and still feels, to have walked that far, I don't care. It's great! When I lost almost 200 pounds a few years ago, I got up to walking 10 miles at a time, and I know I can get back to that eventually. But honestly, I've got to start somewhere, and as heavy as I am, and as out of shape as I am, 1.3 miles feels fantastic.

Thanks to Stephen for the motivation and inspiration - and thanks to all of you in blog land as well. I haven't gotten back to the frequent commenting yet, but I am reading.

I've had a great few weeks. Some of the best I've ever had. And best of all, it's not just exercise or eating right that is the reason: it's everything, it's all encompassing. After years of knowing I needed to take a "holistic" type approach to self improvement - I am now truly doing it, and it is excellent.

20 Things I've Lost and Hope to Never Find Ever Again

2009-07-13T17:45:00.005-06:00

This week I lost weight. I've probably lost weight a week or two since I gave up my last real push towards health in February, but this week I'm sure I have and I know the number. I weighed last week and I weighed today.

I lost 20 pounds and that feels good. However, I have gained so much weight prior to this week, I still feel disheartened.

However, this I've learned: I don't need to spend any more time thinking about how heavy I am and how much that sucks, so, I won't.

I also don't feel like, or more importantly, don't see any benefit in, thinking how awesome the 20 pounds is, and how I'm like, totally back on track now.

I'm trying to think of what I should write. What would help me right now? I don't know, wow, this is very stream of consciousness.

Okay, I'm going to write a list of reasons why I want to keep losing weight to remind myself of reasons to keep the momentum going:

1) I want to - side note: these are likely to be worn goals or whatever, and everybody does this, but meh, I don't care - I want to go out in the world and not have my first impression automatically be: "Fat guy".

2) I'd love to buy clothes from anywhere other than a big and tall store. Actually, I'm so big now, the clothes there do not fit me, so even clothes from a B&T would be a start.

3) I want to go out and not see kids overtly laugh, point, and make loud statements to anyone in the vicinity in stores, etc.

4) I want to ride in one plane seat.

5) I want to not worry about breaking seating no matter where I go.

6) I want to be able to wear a suit and enjoy it.

7) I want to be a holistically healthy person who has largely conquered their issues, and I know if I lose this weight and keep it off, it will be because I have accomplished that.

I'll write more on this at some point when I have more time; I have always wanted this sort of a list around just as something to look at now and then as inspiration.

One last thing, a start to a list of things I'm grateful for:

1) This blog

2) This blogging community.

3) My family

4) My health

5) My friends

6) All the support I have from so many sources

7) The ability to change

8) Humility

9) Sufjan Steven's "Illinois" album

Good luck to all, one day at a time.

Good Morning, Good Vibrations, and Random Thoughts

2009-07-08T08:19:00.005-06:00

Random Thoughts:

- I love the morning. The earlier the better. In the early morning is when I'm most in touch with the massive potential of every day. Everyday is a whole new opportunity; I know that's a cliche, but do you know what has two thumbs and doesn't give a damn? *points thumbs at self* this guy. Seriously, I love the morning, even though I've not yet mastered being a "morning person".

- Good Vibrations is an amazing song, Wouldn't It Be Nice is a great song. Bottom line: the Beach Boy's Pet Sounds is one of the best albums of all time. Go get it and listen to it if you never have. Not to be too Kate Hudson in Almost Famous on you all, but truly it will make your life better - even if just for the 40 minutes you spend listening to it. See also: Abbey Road.

- Other music I'm enjoying a lot right now: Dr. John's Greatest Hits, a few old Johnny Rivers songs, "King of the Road" and "Little Green Apples" by Roger Miller, "Grapevine Fires" by Death Cab for Cutie, a "House of the Rising Sun" cover by Tom Rigney, Roy Buchanan's 20th Century Masters Album, a bunch of Sam Cooke stuff, Random Jenny Lewis/Rilo Kiley stuff, the few good songs off of Eminem's "Relapse", etc.

- So, I've read the term "lurking" in reference to the blog world a fair number of times now, and my thought is: what the hell? What a silly phrase. So, I am to understand that in the blog world there are only two ways to go: 1) comment on peoples blogs and become an active participant in following their blog, or 2) "Lurking" - in the shadows presumably. Sitting back and nefariously only reading and not commenting. I just think the negative connotation associated with the word "Lurk" does not at all jive with the experience of simply reading a blog for pleasure, whether that be motivation, inspiration, simple entertainment, knowledge, etc. I do have a suggestion for an alternative title for the blogging term of reading people's blogs without commenting...ready? "Reading"! So one would "Read" a blog or "Read" AND "Comment" on a blog. I know, it's pretty outlandish, but just a thought.

- And while thinking of blogging, let me say that I still can't get behind the term "Blog" or "Blogging", and while we're at it, I'm not down with Twittering or "Tweeting" either. I sometimes think that a thinktank got together in the late 90's and mapped out the stupidest, most inane things to engage pop-culture in over the next 10-20 years, and the results they managed were substantial. "Hey man, want to listen to my new Panic! at the Disco album? No, oh well, do you like my new kicks? No, oh, well, did you read my Blog last night, or peep the Vlog I posted? Ah, no again, hmmm, well, did you see the 30 Tweets I wrote on my Twitter page...you know the link, I put it on Facebook? Anyway, did you see my Tweets, I was talking about how I was getting ready for bed, then in bed, then reading a book, then got up to go to the bathroom, then went back to reading? It was awesome. No!? Oh. Okay."

I love playing the piano. The majority of my playing life I've largely just made up songs and played improv stuff, etc. This year though I've been working on learning a ton of mainstream songs and it's been pretty fun. Some of my favorites to play so far are "Come Sail Away" by Styx, "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey, "Rockin Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Flu" by Johnny Rivers, "Hey Joe" by Jimi Hendrix, "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor, "Zac and Sara" by Ben Folds, "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Sknyrd.

- Ruby Red Grapefruit is freaking tremendous. One of the best fruits there is. I've been eating a lot of it lately and it's wonderful. Grapefruit juice too is a glorious thing. And V8...and carrot juice. All of these things are excellent. I need a juicer. If I had the money, time, etc, I would eat nothing the rest of my life but Sushi and drink nothing but fresh squeezed fruit/vegetable juice.

This whole "changing my life entirely in almost every significant way possible including the very serious way of losing 400 pounds" thing has turned out to be um, really, incredibly hard. Anyway, the good news is that I am trying, and that's the good thing, I gave up for a while, but now I'm back. I'm eating well, exercising, doing the emotional work, starting the addiction work, doing the spiritual work. It's all I can ask of myself; that, and to better remember the next time I start to get off course to just NOT GIVE UP. Good hell.

For now, I'll just keep on keeping on.

ADDICTION: Part 3 - In Which I Lose Interest In Further Discussing Addiction

2009-06-04T18:16:00.010-06:00

So, in this, the last of what I had hoped would be a beneficial 3 part series looking at addiction and it's role in my life, I no longer really have anything to say about it. Meh, oh well. The first 2 parts were beneficial.

Okay, actually, one last thing:

I know I have to get into twelve step and get a sponsor, and I love the fact that, though it's a cliche, it really actually will completely work if I work it. That is Justice: Acting in accordance truth.

So for now, I think I'll just check-in with how I'm feeling:

I'm feeling happy. I feel happy because I got a new client today at work, and even though my companies services are as desired as ever, agencies are keeping a tighter than ever grasp on their purse strings, so today's new acquisition, though relatively small, feels really good.

I am uncomfortable. I am nervous. I am scared.

I don't feel good because I know that I have to get into recovery through twelve step, but I am hesitant for some reason. I know part of it is simply that I am really struggling in social situations, like anything outside of my house, at this point due to my weight.

I am excited. I am loving. I am peaceful. I am listening to great music.

Great music goes a long way.

Hmmm, well, there I am.

Good times.

And a post script to those wondering what book I wrote about in my last blog that was so important to me this last year: Atlas Shrugged.

Putting aside it's merits from a strictly writing stand-point, and focusing on it's philosophical viewpoints, I do have problems with it: it's characters are drawn very bluntly with too much black and white, and I disagree with some of the concepts of objectionism as relates to inter-personal relationships and their purpose and make-up, as well as it's view of compassion (true compassion, not mis-guided, mis-placed compassion).

However, as it stands, it is still my favorite book of all time. Despite it's flaws, the book got me closer to the basic truths of life then any other I've ever read, and, interestingly, for a book written by an extremely devout Atheist and heavily imbued with that Atheist view point, Atlas Shrugged, through opening my eyes to some fundamental truths, actually paved the way for a wide variety of ideals and values I eventually embraced, including finding faith in God.

ADDICTION: Part 2 - Hi, my name is Stages of Change and I am an...

2009-05-30T15:47:00.004-06:00

Addict.

I am an addict.

I am an alcoholic, and I am a binge eating, compulsive, food addict.

I also firmly believe that I have the capacity, if I went down various paths, to become addicted to virtually any of the other things in life that one can: drugs, sex, spending, relationships, etc. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that if in some magical way, I woke up tomorrow and the world no longer had or needed food or booze, I would likely pick up a new addiction within a few weeks.

One year ago, to the day, I left rehab.

I went to rehab because I was in a massive struggle with alcohol and with food - a struggle that I was losing, big time.

I went to rehab because I was an addict.

An addict because I had continued to eat and drink despite the negative consequences. I continued to eat and drink even though my health had been getting worse for years. Even though I barely graduated high school, and didn't even make it a year in college because partying was more important. Even though I had become 300, then 400, then 500 pounds. Even though I was depressed. Even though my weight and my drinking lead to me tearing my knees up...both of them...seperately...multiple times. Even though drinking had led to me being hit by a car. Even though my behaviors were devastating my family and loved ones. Even though I had blown tens of thousands of dollars on food and booze.

Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Bottom line is that I was an addict. So, I went to rehab.

As it turned out, I loved rehab. It was one of the best times of my life. I learned, and more importantly, accepted to my very core, a number of extremely important things during my time there.

Well, it's a year later, and know I'm way over 600 pounds; probably 150 pounds heavier than I was that day, one year ago, that I left rehab feeling like a million dollars; feeling like I could do absolutely anything, and would.

I have done well enough, largely due to external forces, with not drinking, but eating has kicked my ass.

Why have I continued my food addiction?

Why do I still compulsively binge-eat?

Why is that possible, when this last year has been so amazing?

The year: Rehab was incredible. I had a relationship that taught me a lot about life and myself. I read a book that changed my whole outlook on life. I slowly, over the year, completely changed my world view and political opinions. I learned humility. I only recently established a burgeoning faith.

This year was the most challenging, brutal, wonderful, amazing, transformative year of my life. This year was all about growth, and healing, and change. There was, however, one thing that didn't change. One thing that remained constant throughout the year: the eating. I ate through it all. And so, here I am.

Here I sit, on the verge of death.

THAT is fucking addiction.

And, horribly, due to all my fantastic growth in the last year, I now know that it's all my fault; I can't deny it. I can't blame it on anything or anyone else. I can't blame it on the addiction. It's my fault.

All this time, I've had the control to stop the bleeding and start the healing, but I have chosen not to. I have chosen to not do what is necessary for me to succeed. I have chosen to fail. I have chosen to continue to eat myself towards death.

I say this not to punish myself. I say it not to beat myself up. I say it because it is the truth. The raw, unfiltered, unemotional truth. And, and I cannot stress how deeply I believe this, the Truth sets us free.

So, this is my truth. No, let me rephrase that to make a point: this is THE truth. Because truth, no matter how much we may wish it was, is not situational. The truth is what it is, always.

And so, I have hope. I have hope because the truth is that the ONE thing in this world that has proven, unequivocally, to work; the ONE thing, above all else, that can heal people's addiction, is the ONE thing I have not yet tried.

It's easy to get down, and feel miserable, and be frustrated that one year after leaving rehab for addiction, I am worse off than ever. But then I remember. There is one thing I haven't tried yet; it's insane that I haven't, but it's the truth.

So, here I am. I either choose to take the necessary step and do What Works, and start healing, or, I choose my addiction, and I die.

*The thrilling trilogy concludes shortly with part 3: ADDICTION - The Justice of Recovery*

ADDICTION: Part 1 of 3 - Defining a Misunderstood Tragedy

2009-05-27T18:25:00.008-06:00

What is Addiction?

Is it the drunk that has to start every morning with a pull from the stale remains of last nights bottle just to be able to get out of bed?

Is it the coke head who doesn't generally use all week, but every time, when the whistle blows on Friday, he gets right to the 48 hours of blood pumping, mouth numbing, insane, powder-coated chaos?

Or, is it your relative, girl friend, or co-worker who is just SO addicted to Grey's Anatomy/chocolate/massages/etc?

It's surprising how little your average person understands about addiction; how few people even know what addiction IS.

Addiction has been defined a lot of ways by the medical and psychological community, but the definition that has been embraced more recently by many in the field, is, to me, far and away the most accurate; in essence:

ADDICTION: Continuing a behavior in spite of existing and ever-increasing negative consequences.

THAT is addiction.

That is what addiction truly is, and yet, the misunderstanding about it is bountiful. The misunderstanding about addiction allows for many troubling situations: It allows true addicts of the kinds of drugs that are not generally used every day to say they are not an addict (because, they argue, an addict has to use all the time). It allows the woefully ignorant family members/friends/etc of recovering addicts to say ridiculous things such as: "Oh yea, I know how it is. I am just SO addicted to chocolate. I have to eat at least one little piece every day! So bad, right?" It causes the teenager who is just starting to use marijuana to go ahead because the well-circulated, yet completely inaccurate "common knowledge" amongst so many is that marijuana can't become an addiction.

All wrong.

Again, ADDICTION: Continuing a behavior in spite of existing and ever-increasing negative consequences.

Addiction is continuing to drink despite the times you've thrown up and been hung-over(physical consequence)/missed work (professional consequence)/cheated on your significant other (inter-personal consequence)/etc.

Addiction is continuing to use meth or coke despite the drug-fueled fights you keep getting into with friends.

Addiction is continuing to have random casual sex with strangers despite the personal emotional torment that follows every encounter.

Addiction is continuing to pop pills despite several arrests for unlawful possession.

Addiction is continuing to gamble despite your wrecked personal finances.

Addiction is continuing in a relationship despite your partner's emotional and/or physical abuse.

Addiction is continuing to binge eat despite the fact that you weigh 600 pounds, your health is deteriorating, and your binge-eating, and it's subsequent consequences, are completely devastating your loved ones.

THAT is addiction.

And it is hell.

*Coming Soon, part 2: ADDICTION - Hi, My Name is StagesofChange and I am an...*

Individual Accountability, Forced Equality, & "Fat People's Rights"

2009-05-02T19:43:00.002-06:00

In our society today we are taught, by and large, not to judge. We are taught that we are all the same, and that everyone's approach to anything (within reason) is just as valid as anyone else; all of that is bogus.

Gauging the value and worth of different approaches, tact's, viewpoints, worldviews, acts, ideologies, etc, is an important and integral part of establishing and refining those things for one's self.

Believing that one thing is better than another is absolutely great, and more importantly, it is our job as humans. It is our choosing of what is right and wrong. It is the freedom of our conscious: our most vital freedom.

Conversely, on the other hand is the closed minded argument that allows no for judgements to be made. And with no judgement comes complete equality in all things; nothing is better than anything else, and nothing is any worse. Everything, everyone, every idea, every act - all of the same worth.

Forced equality is a line to be walked carefully, but the argument gets very simple when it comes to forced equality for a group of people that have no reason to deserve it...

...Fat People. I've seen many talk shows in my life with a group of fat people who didn't care that they were fat, they were happy with who they were. They felt that if they were content and happy with who they were then so should society be, and predictably, to that end, they generally were rallying for what amounts to: "Fat People's Rights".

Now, lets dismiss the obvious. "Fat People's Rights" is, on it's face, a ridiculously misguided concept. Fat people are just people that are fat. They are fat in the same way average-sized people are average-sized, teachers are teachers, doctors are doctors, drinkers are drinkers, married people are married, pet owners are pet owners, etc. They are people who, with few major biological-based exceptions, are fat because they have chosen to be. They are people who have eaten too much, exercised too little, haven't created or changed their lifestyle to a healthy one, haven't gotten the counseling if necessary, haven't gotten the regulating drugs if necessary, haven't asked for the help, haven't learned what they needed to learn, etc.

Again, the key is that it is a choice, and all the work parties, dinners with friends, sedentary jobs, rainy weather, intimidating gyms, traumatic childhoods, learned eating habits, unhappy relationships, entertaining television, etc, do not change the fact that being fat is a choice.

Okay, having established the fundamental problem with the concept, let's get specific and look at the many ridiculous issues borne out of one of the most egregious attempts, of the many attempts in modern western society, at Forced Equality: "Fat People's Rights"

1) Restaurants, theme parks, bars, hotels, bars, etc, should have to provide adequate seating options for fat people.
2) Airlines should have to provide 2 seats, at the rate of only one, to those who need more space than one seat due to their size.
3) Department stores and clothing stores that sell average sized clothes should have to sell larger clothes as well.
4) Restaurants should have to provide lower calorie/fat meal options and/or display the nutritional information of their food.

Here's the truth, any business that believes it would be a wise business decision to create larger seating options, offer low-cal food, sell big and tall clothes, or offer two airplane seats for the price of one to heavy people should go for it. Great, good for them. Truly.

But those businesses that don't? The restaurants that offer tons of fatty foods with no low-cal alternative, the clothing stores that sell exclusively small to average sized clothes, the bars that only offer small booths, the airlines that charge two seats for a fat person who needs two seats, they're doing what they as businesses have the right to do. That's their choice, and their right. These businesses will thrive or suffer or remain the same dependent on how the consumers react to whatever choice the businesses make. That's it. Capitalism in action.

I've had to walk in to and walk right out of places that I wouldn't be able to sit in because there were no chairs - only small booths, I've had to buy two tickets to fly on multiple occasions over the last few years, I've had to make the best decision I could (if I wanted to) when out with friends at restaurants with limited low-calorie options, I've had to buy clothes exclusively from big and tall stores for years. Do I feel like I'm discriminated against because of these facts?

Absolutely not.

As hard a struggle as my weight is, it's still up to me to lose, gain, or stay the same. I will eventually get to my goal weight. It's extremely challenging, for a variety of reasons, but I know that it's ultimately on me to succeed or fail, and I would have it no other way. And that's the point.

I love myself and I love my fellow man, and I wish for everyone what I wish for myself: to be healthy, happy, and successful in whatever I undertake; knowing that it was primarily my hard-work, my tenacity, my desire, my humility, my honesty, my sacrifice, etc, that caused my success. To be healthy, successful, and happy in life, in all ways, because of what I've chosen - not because some misguided soul mandated that I be treated like a victim and that the playing field be forcefully evened for me.

The Truth is that no one should be forced to provide equality for those who have earned their struggles.

The Truth is that, though I have compassion, and empathy, and sadness, and hope, and love in my heart for people that struggle with weight issues, it is still up to them, as it is for me, to create the change they desire.

And if I live a joyful, healthy life staying true to my beliefs of not looking for forced help or forced accommodation, but instead owning the fact that I create my reality, that I get out of life what I put in, then I will someday die a happy man.

"Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one's values." -Ayn Rand, "Atlas Shrugged"

The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions

2009-04-14T12:39:00.006-06:00

They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, so let be me a man of good Actions instead.

To that end, here is the act of blogging; a good act that I know helps me. This will be just an update to keep this process going and to allow me a brief moment to get in touch with where I'm at, where I'm going, and why.

I had a pretty busy week after the Vegas weekend, and didn't make the time to follow-up on the work-out success I had there with work-outs at home. However, this last week I started working out a little bit in my room again.

Then, last Wednesday, I hired someone to go for walks with me 5 days a week. The hourly wage is much more about them actually coming to my office and having me come and go for a walk with them, then the walk itself. The hardest part is the getting started I realized, so this set-up fixes that. Plus I enjoy the company quite a bit which always makes the experience more enjoyable.

I am eating okay, but not as good as I would like. I am trying to think of a mechanism I can put in place, similar to my mandatory walk partner, to help me get some serious traction in that area.

Overall, I feel very good about all the walking and working out I've done in the last 3 weeks,and feel pretty damn good in general.

I am currently objectively optimistic about the immediate future. And I like that.

Viva Loss Vegas

2009-03-31T19:06:00.005-06:00

I went to Vegas this last weekend; drove down there with a couple friends of mine.

Here are a few notes:

First morning at 4 am we had $4 steaks at a diner a few blocks away from our downtown hotel, The Plaza.

This was my first Vegas trip without drinking, and to my minor surprise, it didn't hurt my enjoyment.

Also, apparently, not drinking in Las Vegas mitigates any Fear and/or Loathing that one might normally encounter there.

I played 5-10 hands of blackjack, a few spins of the roulette wheel, one Texas Hold 'Em poker tournament, and a few other assorted games. Ended the weekend up $15.

My friend got an 80 ounce daiquiri in a plastic guitar that he wore all night (it came with a strap) and drank from all night (post-daiquiri he poured beers in it.)

Drinking 2-3 guitars full of alcohol may cause severe headaches and blood-vessel-in-face bursting vomiting.

For one hour Saturday night, most of the neon signs in Vegas were turned off in honor of Earth Hour. During that hour, there was a guy on Fremont Street with a microphone that played over all the speakers on the street talking about Earth Hour. In a moment of spontaneity, I commandeered his microphone and sang a heartfelt, a capella version of the classic Righteous Brothers song: "You've Lost That Loving Feeling".

I ate well all weekend.

I walked 3-4 miles Friday, and another 4-5 Saturday.

I haven't weighed myself recently, as I've been not exercising at all prior to a couple block-long walks I went on Tuesday and Wednesday of last week. However, after all the Vegas walking I could tell by Sunday (from my face, and the way I was feeling) that I must have lost 15-20 pounds.

Great trip.

Good times.

Note to Self: Writing Helps

2009-03-25T16:53:00.007-06:00

Not feeling very reflective.

But, one thing. Let me say that though I've been struggling, I've been getting more and more in touch with the reality that I create each decision. That feels empowering.

I will post more another time, I just wanted to finally break down the mental wall and get back to this blog, if only for a moment, to help remind me of what I want, and what helps me in achieving it.

For now, I'm just trying to keep it simple.

Even the longer periods of slipping, falling, failing, etc, don't change this fact: Picking myself up and getting back on track isn't any different then a kid who crashed into bushes the last time he rode his bike. The next time he wants to ride it, he doesn't dwell on the crash, he just does what works. Pick up bike, climb on, hit the pedals, steer clear of dangers, enjoy the ride.

Tomorrow, I think I'll focus on remembering the following:

"Some people use failure as an excuse to give up - to become bitter, or cynical. Other people look at failure as an opportunity to revisit past decisions and to devise new strategies." -Catherine Pulsifer

Or, more succinctly:

"A failure is a man who has blundered, but is not able to cash in the experience." - Elbert Hubbard

Being True to the Process

2009-02-27T20:17:00.002-07:00

I wrote the below post earlier this week. However, I removed it pretty quickly because of several things. One is that I just sat down to write a blog without much thought as to what it would be and when I was done I realized I had written the post like a poem or something. And don't get me wrong, I really enjoy writing (professionally, essays, blog posts, etc,) but I've never written poetry really - maybe a couple cracks at it in school, at most.

So to see that I had written something that was not really just a post but kind of a poem or a, hell, I don't even know. Anyway, suffice to say I didn't intend to, and one of the reasons I took it down was that I didn't want people to either think it sucked because I was trying to write a poem (though it clearly has no structure) and/or that I was a pretentious asshole who thought he could write good poetry and needed to share it with the world.

The other reason was how negative it was.

However, I've now decided that whatever it is, it most importantly is where I was when I wrote it, and that is what matters. The purpose of this blog is not to write things I am proud of technically or even content-wise, but to share honestly, openly, both the ups and the downs I experience as I try to create massive change in my life.

The post:

Food, you fucking evil bitch.
You cutthroat, joking, tricky trickster fuck.

Food, you never sleep - you're tireless.
You needle me through night or day, or both.

Food you drain my energy.
The want for you clouds my need to act.
Desires to move and change crumble in your hands.

You're a marrow sucking bastard, gnaw away at all my strength.
You're a junkie's junk, food.
You trap me in a prison constructed from you my greatest vice.

A crack head with a room devoted to the storing, creation, and preparation of crack.
A crack head with another room devoted to the act of smoking it.
Food, what's a more unholy hell than that?

The alcoholic gives up the bottle,
He must not pick it up for at least 3 moderate drinks a day to sustain his life.
What an insidious evil you are.

Food, you are comfort in infancy, childhood.
A reward for success.
A gathering centerpiece, a foundation for fellowship.

A life enriching thing, lauded for millennia in books and stories.
You're an art form at best, a travesty at worst.
A guilty pleasure.

Food you fucking lousy lover, you don't fulfill despite your bluster and bravado.
Your sweet nothings whispered are just that.
When it's over I'm left with no comfort, no thrill, no hope, no calm, no peace.

Food you fucking mother fucker.
I can't BELIEVE I have to stay to survive,
I'd fucking leave.

Like an abused spouse I stay with you and come each day to you.
To feast at your trough.
To gorge on your empty promises.

Fuck you.

I sit on the precipice of fatal sickness from you
Yet healing is to ingest your germs?

Fuck you.

Fuck you for who I have become.

Don't Call It A Comeback

2009-02-20T08:35:00.005-07:00

I haven't been to my blog, or any at all, since probably Feb 5.

Towards the end of Jan things started going south for me. I lost motivation, started eating poorly, didn't work out as much, etc.

This continued until just recently.

I was chalking it up to not being vigilant. If I didn't stay focused, aware, in touch with my goals, etc, I figured that was enough to derail me. Essentially: the more I didn't do those things, the more I didn't do those things.

And not doing those things meant the opposite: mindlessness, disconnect, poor eating, binging, not working out much, etc.

I realized recently that while it is true that you breed more of whatever you're doing, at the core of my off-track behavior was emotional unrest.

I was recently able to deal with the issue those emotions were stemming from. And while the outcome was not what I ultimately would have preferred, I know that it was the most healthy decision to make. Extremely hard, but honestly, probably one of the most healthy things I have ever done.

After all, again, what is more important to me then getting healthy, in every way. And what do I cling to now that prevents any possible leg-up, any untapped resource, any available assistance, any untried process, any necessary decision? I've known for the better part of the last year that it was time to put aside any pride, any fear, any wants, and accept that changing my life is a By Any (healthy) Means Necessary affair.

Now, that doesn't make every instance of personal examination any easier.

It doesn't make every internal realization of some unhelpful trait or part of myself that I discover needs to be addressed any more fun.

It doesn't make any of the bountiful times over the last 10 months I've had to humble myself any more enjoyable.

And it doesn't make facing fear - the fear at the heart of choosing to live a life I've never known, the fear of exiting my comfort zone in every healthy action of every day - accepting what I must do does not make that fear go away.

However, every time I do those things: face those fears, own who I am and realize the changes that need to be made, throw away pride and embrace what's necessary to increase my well-being - I grow stronger.

The experience I went through recently brought a vast amount of sadness, but you know what feelings are persevering for me, and are only growing? Empowerment and peace.

Can you imagine such a thing? A life of failure and sadness, despair, hurt, hatred, anger, melancholy, depression. A life seeking a means to heal those feelings through quick fixes, sleep, a drink, a pizza, the pressing desires of the moment, the NEED to be comfortably numb.

That I have been that person, but that I can now step outside the confines of that brutal, self-imposed emotional wasteland and face life, and make the hard choices, and feel empowered? And feel peace wash over me?

It's beautiful. It's so beautiful.

And it never gets old.

Ever.

Thanks to everyone who commented or emailed to inquire about how I was doing. The support, outreach, and caring of this community is an amazing thing. Thank you again.

And.here.we.go...

Groundhog Day

2009-02-03T17:18:00.008-07:00

The groundhog Punxsutawney Phil, seer of seers, prognosticators of prognosticators, awoke yesterday morning to say to that he had indeed seen his shadow and thus winter would continue. However, Punxsutawney Phil had more than just the weather to address; he continued: "I did indeed see my shadow, but oddly enough, I did not see the shadow of a much, much, MUCH larger human. For some reason he didn't cast a shadow. So for him I see no more winter of discontent, but only the springtime of growth and health".

Thanks Double P. Thanks for having faith in me and thanks for inspiring one of the all time great Bill Murray movies.

As you may have guessed from my absence from my blog and from the community, I have struggled the last 10 days or so. But you know what? It was not at all the near chaos I've experienced in the past. I only binged once and still exercised 4 times. Still I was fairly mindless in my day-to-day and my actions, my eating, my workouts, and my overall emotional and physical health suffered for it.

But, that was last week. Now?

Onward and upward baby.

So, here, as I do every year (note: not true in the slightest), are my:

Post-Groundhog Day Resolutions

1. No cheese and no mayo or mayo based sauces (lite or otherwise) for the next year - Inspired by Fried Jeff's cutting hamburgers out of his life, and by Zeus Meatball's saying no to Ben and Jerry's for a full year, I have decided to cut a couple things out of my diet too.

I realized yesterday that cheese and mayo are at that heart of almost all the food I crave and binge on. Cheese on pizza, cheeseburgers, sandwiches, on fries, in burritos, quesadillas, nachos, etc. Mayo on burgers, sandwiches, dipping fries and pizza crust in mayo based sauces, putting chipotle mayo or creamy pepper jack sauce on Mexican food, etc. As it turns out, I'm not so excited about binging on 5 hamburgers plain with ketchup. Not so much.

So, as I no longer have an qualms about doing whatever it takes to prevail in this battle, I say, why the hell not?

I think there is joy and peace to be mined from such a decision. The joy to be found in every single time I say no, and the peace to be found in the burden of my desires for those foods being lifted from my shoulders. Just thinking about it makes me feel like a weight has been lifted. I simply won't eat those things again.

So for now, I'll say this: the next time I'll eat cheese or mayo (or mayo based sauces) will be February 2nd, 2010.

2. Okay, actually, that was the only one.

Now, moving forward, the overall plan continues. One day at a time. I'm going to continue kicking ass, continue working out, continue increasing my awareness, continue eating right, continue fighting this fight.

I'm never going to stop. Because the rewards that this process PROMISES me, and us all, are too fucking amazing to give up on.

Like many people who struggle with any of a myriad of issues, I find life much easier living it in the extremes. Sure its easy to binge and do nothing all day, but its also a lot easier to be super strict about food and almost starve myself and workout 2 hours. What's hard is accepting a moderate day of moderate success and consistent measured effort.

But I think I've found a way to, in a healthy way for once, be extreme while making steady progress:

Never stop. I'm just never going to stop being healthy. I will lose all this weight eventually, and I will keep it off forever. Because, people who keep the weight off and people who never gain it share one thing in common: they eat pretty healthy and they exercise often, and they do those things forever.

I love being able to throw myself as hard as I want into that mindset. It makes the day-to-day journey easier. And it's great because I'm in a so much healthier place mentally than I was, I'm able to recognize the failures that do and will happen in this journey, and yet feel great about it all.

It's all good.

It's all part of the process.

And as long as I keep going I will continue to get healthy, and grow, and change, and mature, and learn, and experience, and just LIVE. Live life to the fullest. Live a rich, evolving life.

After all, I am no longer living life the same way again and again. Being stuck in the same terrible, frustrating existence day after day. Reliving the same failures over and over.

Groundhog Day for me is over.

The Re-Education of Me

2009-01-28T20:08:00.009-07:00

Failures.

I haven't had a very good week; not much exercise, 1 big binge, a lot of fairly mindless/ fairly unhealthy eating, very inconsistent food/water/exercise tracking.

I'm just frustrated by my failures this week, and with the fact that because I have such a long way to go in many ways, I will likely continue to have failures occasionally; a binge, a shitty day, an off week.

I think the root of the frustration is not even mainly with the fact that failures will occur, but more with the fact that even though I'm doing a pretty good job looking at them objectively, not beating myself up, and moving on, I am still plagued by the doubtful echo's of a million past failures in my head.

Every time I (rightly) tell myself: "Okay, that was a mistake, but I've looked at it, learned from it, and now, time to focus on making the next choice a good one", a voice tells me "Yeah. Right. Good luck with that".

It's from years of only failing, and never giving myself any grace about it.

It's the reason that no matter how healthy my attitude is after a misstep, I still feel just a little hopeless. I still have a sense of futility about my commitment to move past the failure because I'm so early in this process of real change that I'm far from realizing that these times are different than in the past; that these times I CAN and AM getting back on track after a misstep.

I know the only way to lessen the disbelieving whisper in my ear is to answer it back every time with a healthy action. To, over time, convince every part of me, even the lurking ghosts of a listless past, that I really AM able to change and that I really CAN accomplish what I put my mind to.

I guess it boils down to building trust with myself.

There is a discrepancy within me.

I've spent my whole life telling myself THIS TIME will be different. A lifetime spent convincing myself (convincingly, I might add) that I could create the change I desired and become the person I wanted to be. All the while however, not doing any of it; not long term, and most frequently, not even short term.

I guess it makes sense that after a while I would develop a part of me that no longer bought it. A part that had been burned too many times by the lofty goals of too many ultimately failed "brand new days". Immeasurable disappointment must store somewhere inside a person. In me I'm sure it has set up shop in portions of my heartbroken melancholy, my seething self-hatred, and of course, my nagging self doubt.

Moving forward I accept that I may occasionally falter in this journey, and I do so lovingly and with grace.

And now I choose to strive to reeducate every dark corner of my being on who I am and what I'm truly capable of.

I will learn to trust myself.

New internal expectations will, over time, be set - and firmly so.

The voices will fade, the discrepancy between my intentions and my actions will disappear, and I will become peacefully congruent.

Passing Cynicism on the Road to Recovery

2009-01-25T12:38:00.009-07:00

Cynicism - An attitude of scornful or jaded negativity.

When I grew up, my peers and I were told by teachers, parents, television, politicians, the tales of historical figures, etc, that we could accomplish anything.

The sky was the limit.

If you put your mind to it, anything was possible.

When I became a teenager and grew into an adult, I started realizing that wasn't true.

What was true is that life was a hard, complicated thing.

What was true was that there was very little that was cool that was really optimistic or hopeful.

What was true was the plentiful hilarity to be found in mocking those who still clung to the "childish" belief that gosh darn it, you really could do whatever you put your mind to!

What losers; still in denial to the harsh realities of life. They weren't as sophisticated as me, clearly.

They just didn't "get it".

Bullllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllshit.

Now, to be clear, I didn't grow up into a pessimistic beatnik poet or something, but I feel I did succumb to a common thing I've seen in this society: coping with life while growing up, which is hard, through developing a sense of cynicism.

Like many things that seem so genius and had a hand in guiding my actions during my teens and early twenties, I am glad to say my position has changed for the better on the issue.

I'm really glad my position has changed.

Because cynicism is fucking garbage. It's poison.

You know what cynicism does?

It keeps us from things we might end up enjoying: movies, books, music, art, etc. No way we'd ever watch THAT type of a movie. No way we'd listen to country, jazz, classical, rock, or whatever. Ha, that's a good one. People who listen to *insert genre/artist/song here* are ridiculous. No way.

It tells us the powerful quotes of inspiration and truth we hear are just superficial cliches with no real value to us.

It stops us from going to the store to buy healthy food because all those mean people there will just laugh, and point and stare anyway.

It keeps us from deeper, more meaningful relationships with people because how can we ever really be vulnerable with them, trust them, and get close. After all what are their motives? What are they really after? They'll probably just hurt us or use us.

It tells us screw it, no point applying for that job. Nobody wants to hire a big fat person, they'll just discriminate against us. It'll be a waste of time. Why even bother?

It snidely asks what's different about us? Why won't we fail, and fade into the faceless obscurity of the unsuccessful statistical majority? Why?

It tells us to give up, we can't really change. We're kidding ourselves. We're being the same as those obnoxious, relentlessly hopeful bastards who spew their lies from the pages of self help books, motivational speaker conventions, and pulpits all over this county. So snap out of it, it can't be done. Get real.

But all of that is false.

Cynicism shuts doors in life. It closes the windows. It destroys possibility, and opportunity.

It limits, it narrows.

There's nothing smart, or sophisticated, or mature, or wise, or good about it.

Because, wow, what a life is cynicism huh? Missing out on music that could've grown into a great joy in your life, spending copious time mocking others for who they are or what they enjoy, not even applying for the job that could've launched a new direction in your career, getting fat on fast food and delivery because you can't face the people at the neighborhood market, missing out on a friendship or romantic relationship that could've lasted a life time and/or provided lessons, learning, fun, and growth. Being paranoid, suspicious, bitter, hateful, scornful, angry, jaded, prideful, arrogant.

I want to keep moving away from that

I want to spend my life acknowledging reality (including the negative), but FOCUSING on the positives.

I want to spend my life being open to people, experiences, ideas, actions, etc.

I want to spend life fighting that urge inside that can counter a hopeful, optimistic thought with nagging doubt and a mocking dismissal.

I want to remember that I CAN accomplish my goals, and the goals that will come after that, and the ones I can't even begin to foresee that will come after that.

I'll end with some quotes who's truth, earnestness, and hope I choose to no longer ridicule or doubt.

Instead, I choose to work hard to manifest their truth in my life.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” --Dr. Seuss

"There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure." --Colin Powell

"Whether you think you can or can't, you're right"--Henry Ford

Getting Better All the Time: Weekly Review & Planning

2009-01-23T12:42:00.007-07:00

My Goals for the last week are listed below, with comments on how I actually did in red:

1) Drink 6 liters of water daily - Didn't accomplish all 7 days, but did manage for 5.

2) Do at least 1/2 hour of cardio (the class, walks, aerobics at home, etc) at least 5 days - Didn't accomplish; only did cardio twice: once for 60 mins on Wednesday (best workout yet btw), and 45 mins on Thursday.

3) Work out with weights at home at least 2 times. - Didn't accomplish, but did do 30 wall push-ups twice.

4) Measure the cereal servings I'm putting in the big bowl I eat every morning - Didn't accomplish at all.

5) No Binges - Did not accomplish. Binged 4 times.

6) Write at least 4 posts on this blog - Did not accomplish, only wrote 2.

7) In the interest of continuing to increase awareness in all areas of my life, expand my list of goals for 2009 to include a variety of areas and subjects. And keep them in an area where I can review them frequently - Did not accomplish at all.

I did lose 8 pounds this week.

That feels good, not amazing, but damn good. It doesn't feel amazing because I know that the only reason that was possible is because I got so sick with food poisoning on Tuesday that it countered the 4 binge meals I'd eaten in the day previous.

However, it does feel good. I didn't eat anything too bad Fri, Sat, and until the late night binge, Sunday either. And I ate GREAT Wednesday and Thursday, had one of the best cardio workouts I've had in the last few years on Wednesday, and worked out well yesterday too.

Actually, I thought I might not weigh myself this week because I figured that with of the all binging and sickness, and honestly, the fact I had doused 2 1/2 huge bowls of salad in soy sauce last night, which, while low sodium, still ended up being SO much salt, and the fact that the only scale in the immediate area that can weigh me is at a retirement home 15 minutes across town, I thought meh, I'll do it next week. But, as I was getting ready this morning I started noticing that I felt and could almost see that I had lost a little weight, so I thought, what the hell, guess I'll do it.

Glad I did.

Okay, now, looking ahead. Below are my goals for the next week

1) Drink 6 liters of water daily.

2) Do at least 1/2 hour of cardio (the class, walks, aerobics at home, etc) at least 5 days.

3) Do at least 30 wall push-ups at least 5 days

4) Measure my morning cereal to be aware of how many servings I'm eating.

5) No binges

6) Write at least 4 posts on this blog

7) Create a new section or subsection on this blog for other broader goals for 2009.

8) Begin process of creating in a binder an organized catalogue of the therapeutic experiences, notes, quotes, hand-outs, stories, letters, etc, that I've collected in the last year

Well, what can I say, I feel amazingly good about being able to come back from the hellish spiral of binging. And it feels great to have done that through the healthy means of drawing on support, reading positive things, opening up honestly to others, participating in healthy guilt, giving myself grace, getting in touch with reality and with my goals in this process, and consciously making choices that have me now RIGHT back on track with momentum, motivation, awareness, and tenacity.

I am for some reason reminded of something a therapist said to me during an experience last spring: You will get out of this what you put in.

I love that. I know that in its broad application that concept is common knowledge, but like so many common knowledge/common sense things, so many obvious pearls of wisdom - just because we've heard them or agree with them doesn't mean we don't act in contrary ways to those principles sometimes, or even often.

You see people actively contradict that wisdom frequently: in the person who approaches a mental health professional with an attitude of: "You're so smart? We'll see. Figure me out then, tell me how I work", or in the person hiring a personal trainer: "I am so out of shape. I need you to make me lose weight", or even in a minority of the electorate right now: "Alright, go ahead...fix America. Fix it. Pay my mortgage."

You want some emotional healing? Give yourself over to the process. Be honest, be humble, be open, be introspective, think hard, give yourself time, be willing to really listen to other ideas and thoughts.

You want a great America? Love your family, support your friends, be kind to strangers, work hard and enjoy life, help the less fortunate, practice rigorous integrity.

You want to lose weight and become healthy? Recognize there may be more at the root of your issues than the fat - do something about that. Eat right - whatever you can do. Exercise - however much you can. Be good to yourself, give yourself grace and love, don't shoot for a perfect ideal, don't lose hope when you fail, pick yourself up and move on.

"You will get out of this what you put in" - a lesson I have spent most of my life knowing, but not actively trying to live by.

I am far from there still, as with most positive things I'm trying to incorporate in my life.

But now, more and more, I choose to keep trying to live by those words.

I am, every day, in very little ways, trying to put in to this process, these experiences, this life, what I want to get out.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand, on to the next...

The Beautiful Struggle

2009-01-21T13:37:00.002-07:00

A look back on my Friday-Monday. A step-by-step look at how failure is created.

Friday: After coming in with a 6 pound weight loss for the last week, I choose to eat a little more carelessly - not binge - but allow myself a little more freedom than usual. I choose not to work-out. I am not mindful enough in general to remember to write down food & water intake. I don't read as many blogs in the evening as I normally do.

Saturday: I choose, a little less mindfully/consciously than the day before, to continue the relaxed eating. I choose, again a little less mindfully/consciously, to not work out. I remember to write down food and water for the day before, but do not remain mindful enough to write down anything for the actual Saturday itself besides breakfast. I don't stay nearly as active and read nearly as many blogs as I normally do.

Sunday: I eat a big breakfast and eat almost nothing for the remainder of the day. I am mindful enough to write down breakfast, but not anymore food choices or water intake. I work out briefly in the afternoon, doing 30 wall push-ups. I don't think I read any blogs. Late at night I am famished and get the urge to binge. I give in to the urge extremely fast without giving it a second thought. The binge consists of McDonald's: 2 double cheeseburgers w/mayo, 1 spicy chicken sandwich w/extra mayo; Taco Bell: 2 cheesy double beef burritos, 3 cheese roll-ups, 1 cheese quesadilla, 1 side of nacho cheese; Jack in the Box; 1 ultimate cheeseburger w/extra mayo, 1 breakfast sandwich w/mayo. Local fast food Mexican place: 1 cheese quesadilla.

Monday: I wake up with the desire and urge to binge. By 2:00pm I have eaten three enormous meals consisting, in total, of: 3 servings of potato curry, roughly 6 servings of frosted shredded wheat, 4 hard boiled eggs made into egg salad with 2 1/2 heaping tablespoons of mayonnaise, 1 can of beef tamales heated and mixed with 3 heaping tablespoons of mayonnaise, 10 flour tortillas. I do not write down what I eat or my water intake. I do not exercise. By nightfall I am incredibly miserable. I read no blogs.

(FYI: Tuesday I didn't eat anything all day and was out for the count because around 9:00pm Monday night I came down with food poisoning - instant karma? ;) - which went strong through Tuesday night.)

Here is what I feel there is to be learned from the experience of Fri-Mon: I largely attribute the slide into complete chaos to a number of choices that slowly increased and created a less mindful, more disconnected self. As the days went on I slowly started removing all the daily elements that serve both as important structure in my days, as well as the conscious reminders of my goals (short and long term).

I think the lessons to be learned here are far from shocking, but still a perpetually important reminder to me: I must stay in the moment. I am much better served to live my days with a high level of awareness of the choices I am making. I am much more likely to succeed when I actively work to maintain the various structure-creating elements in my day (blogging, reading blogs, commenting on blogs, writing down what I eat throughout the day, keeping track of and writing down my water intake, exercising)

I think a success here to be noted is this: While I did come down hard on myself Monday for the binging and gave myself some hateful self talk, it didn't last as long as it used to. In the past a cluster of binges such as this coming on the heels of a month of success would've likely thrown me into 2 months to 2 years of more binging, emotional/mental shutdown, and on the off occasion I wasn't shut down - extreme depression and self hatred.

In this case however, by Monday night I was able to share the reality of my actions and my feelings around them with a supportive loved one and was able to deal with my unhealthy choices via healthy guilt.

As Brennan Manning writes in his excellent book A Glimpse of Jesus:

"Unhealthy guilt is self-centered; it stirs our emotions to churn in self-destructive ways, leads to depression and despair, closes us in upon ourselves...Healthy guilt adds not a single paragraph to the script for self-hatred. To the contrary, (it) leads to realistic confrontation, ruthless honesty, and self-knowledge; it stimulates compunction, contrition, the desire for reconciliation and inner peace."

Beautifully, though I am still a ways off, I feel that with every misstep, failure and struggle, I come a litter bit closer to having healthy guilt replace unhealthy guilt as my "gut reaction" attitude.

I accept my choices this week - I have processed them, dealt with them, felt the myriad of feelings that came with them. So now, simply, I choose to move on.

One action and One day at a time.

I will do all that I can: make my next choice a good one.

You Say You Want an Evolution: Weekly Review & Planning

2009-01-16T15:00:00.009-07:00

My Goals for the last week are listed below, with comments on how I actually did in red:

1) Drink 6 liters of water daily. - Goal accomplished.

2) Do at least 1/2 hour of cardio (the class, walks, aerobics at home, etc) at least 5 days. - Goal accomplished. Did an average of 50 minutes of cardio 5 days this week.

3) Work out with weights at home at least 2 times. - Didn't accomplish, but did do 30-40 wall push-ups 5 days this week.

4) Because I've been doing this for a couple weeks and want to keep it up, and also want to keep track of the healthy habits I'm building, this week a goal will be to continue to write down everything I eat on my sub-blog. - Goal accomplished.

5) No binges - Goal accomplished, though did have a pretty consistently bad food day last Friday.

6) Write at least 4 posts on this blog - Goal accomplished.

7) I'm not sure if I will always want to make a certain number of weight loss a goal, and I'm already wavering as to its usefulness, but for now I'll keep it. So my goal for this next week is the same as the number I accomplished this last week: Lose 9 lbs, which will take me under 590. - Didn't accomplish. I lost 6 pounds.

You know, I feel pretty freaking great about this week.

I kicked ass physically, I ate well, and no matter the highs or lows of the week, my attitude/perspective/overall emotional well-being around this losing weight/getting healthy effort has remained amazingly grounded in objective optimism.

Awesome.

Okay, now, looking ahead. Below are my goals for the next week*:

1) Drink 6 liters of water daily.

2) Do at least 1/2 hour of cardio (the class, walks, aerobics at home, etc) at least 5 days.

3) Work out with weights at home at least 2 times.

4) Measure the cereal servings I'm putting in the big bowl I eat every morning, and if there's too many (I suspect there might be as many as 4 in there when I'm done filling it to the top) lower that number to a max of 2 servings anytime I eat cereal, all week.

5) No binges

6) Write at least 4 posts on this blog

7) In the interest of continuing to increase awareness in all areas of my life, expand my list of goals for 2009 to include a variety of areas and subjects. And keep them in an area where I can review them frequently.

*No weight loss goal.

This last week I worked out 5 days for 50 minutes of hard cardio and I lost 6 pounds. Last week I worked out only 3 days for 45 minutes of hard cardio and I lost 9 pounds.

So, in summary, I really cranked up the work-outs this week and my food was just as good as last week, yet I lost 3 less pounds.

But, check this out man, because this is blowing my mind...

I DO NOT CARE.

In fact, I am STOKED.

I am ECSTATIC.

Dammit, I feel GRRRRRRREAT!!

And why?

Because I am in this for the long haul.

I no longer need the scale to be my friend that I co-dependently look to and let define whether I'm happy or sad like I have during all my past "getting healthy" attempts. I also no longer need the love and recognition from telling friends and family I am losing weight fast and in big ways: "Hey, guess what? I lost 25 pounds this week! Isn't that awesome?! I did good, right?!?!"

The only reason I get on the scale once a week now is to allow me a chance to pat myself on the back, and/or to think about what I might want to tweak next week as my evolution progresses.

Because what does one week really matter when I'm in this forever?

Here's what I know to be one of the most powerfully true things I've ever realized, and more importantly, internalized: If I am now on a path, not just to get down to 225 lbs, not just to lose weight, but to really become a healthy person for the rest of my life - then nothing matters besides to KEEP GOING.

Nothing.

That is it.

I had an inkling of that fact when I wrote my very first post on this blog, and actually, I ended that inaugural post with a reminder to myself of that fact, that Most Important Weight Loss Tip of All Time.

I'll end this post with it too:

NEVER GIVE UP.

I Feel Good...and I Knew That I Would Now

2009-01-14T22:15:00.009-07:00

I feel good

Soooo good.

Life is improving. The comprehensive quality of my life is improving.

I'm progressing and it feels great.

The biggest shocker so far? I found an exercise routine I can do that I don't even have to spend hours motivating myself to do - I don't dislike it THAT MUCH.

Here's what I do:

At the end of my work day, somewhere generally between 5 and 6. I turn on something to watch and just start working out (primarily two different movements that I switch between throughout the duration: laterally stepping back and forth with various arm movements in repetition, and jogging in place with shadow boxing).

I do it for 40-50 minutes, throw in 30-40 wall push-ups, and drenched in sweat with sore muscles I call it a day

But here's the amazing part...I have to stop myself.

Again, because it's an astonishing thing on par with Bigfoot, and the Virgin Mary appearing in tortilla's in the southwest, let me repeat: I have to stop myself...from working out more. I COULD keep going for at least another 1/2 hour. At least.

It's amazing. The only other exercise that I have ever felt even remotely as agreeable to is walking around outside. Currently however, I am not really game for walking for two reasons: 1) it's icy off and on now and I have no interest in attempting to walk on that, slip, and break my ass, and 2) at almost 600 pounds I draw such large amounts of "drive-by attention" I might as well hire a band to play fat person tuba music behind me while I walk.

Anyway, I feel excellent and had to get that out. It's sure nice to remember that it's possible to be truly overcome with positive emotions after so long of either feeling nothing or being overcome with negative ones.

It's wild though. We know that it's making the healthy choices physically and emotionally that ultimately make us happy. We know the comfort that large amounts of unhealthy food and lounging about offer us is superficial, brief, and false. Yet, we so often forget that truth, or convince ourselves the lies ARE the truth.

I don't ever want to lose sight of those realities again.

So, one day at a time.

Tomorrow I plan to continue on and keep remembering that if I love myself and work hard on being healthy I KNOW that when it's over I will feel damn good.

A Brief Affirmation of this Journey

2009-01-12T12:25:00.010-07:00

This morning I remembered an excellent concept a good friend of mine once shared with me, and I thought I'd share it here for what it's worth:

When you see a person who is pale, sweating, shivering - generally looking feverish, maybe even throwing up...what would you call that person?

Sick.

No...healthy

A truly sick person wouldn't have the ability to heal. Their body would break down, unable to cope with the issues inside them.

It's the person who is dealing with their sickness through a natural healing process who is ultimately healthy. That person is undergoing the process of healing, and it may be painful, long, uncomfortable, unpleasant, or just hard to do, but it's through that process that they are able to become well.

A great thing to remember, especially when struggling, is that truth:

Much like the body goes through difficult times in order to rid itself of an illness and become well, so can we as people choose to go through the occasionally or even frequently difficult process of healing in order to rid ourselves of excess fat, physical ailments, negative attitudes & perspectives, and instead gain a higher level of health: mentally, emotionally, and physically.

The Obesity Epidemic

2009-01-10T13:35:00.009-07:00

I was reading Losing Waists post and I started getting worked up about something off her topic, but related. I soon knew I had a lot of thoughts, so thought I'd move over here and write them down. Thanks to LW for a great post and the food for thought btw, I highly recommend it, and all of her stuff actually, she's an excellent inspiration.

Okay, here's what bothers me: People can't figure out why we have an "Obesity Epidemic". Or if they think they can, they're wrong (i.e. because McDonald's & fast food places market so gosh darn effectively to kids and families)

Well wait, first off let me preface by saying that yes, it is an epidemic. There is an Obesity Epidemic. An epidemic qualifies as something that "is affecting a disproportionately large number of individuals within a population, community, or region at the same time" The number of obesity in America over the last 20 years has become exactly that.

Alright, here ladies and gentlemen, is the reason we have that Obesity Epidemic. One reason is our diet as Americans (hormones, additives, worse food available easier, etc.) and one is inadequate treatment for thyroid and metabolism issues, and one is that kids are being raised with much less physical activities and much worse diets .

But HERE, is the main reason:

Throughout the history of humanity there has been people with issues: ranging from normal, to more serious, to severe. By issues I mean they were neglected growing up, or abandoned, physically abused, emotionally abused, sexually abused, were victims of alcoholic/drug addict parents, witnessed horrific things, had depression or other chemical imbalances, etc. These people are far more prevalent historically, and currently, that will ever be fully known. Suffice to say these people have been, and are, everywhere.

Here's how the average American lived from the creation of our country until the mid part of the last century: 1) Worked hard: either on farm, started profession (generally manual labor) at extremely early age, lots more manual labor work in general (agriculture, service, industrial, etc.) no computer programmers, secretaries, and other sedentary jobs - even the salesmen were frequently door to door instead of sitting at a desk on a phone. 2) Food consumption was less, less available/cheap bad food (fast food, cheap supermarket crap, etc.), less emphasis on eating (no commercials in magazines, TV, movies, newspapers, billboards, hats, cars, signs, saying to eat), and again, most importantly, what people WERE eating was being worked off in their daily routine.

Okay, having established the difference that existing between our culture for several hundred years and the last 50, lets go back to taking a look at that significant portion of the population that has always struggled with deep rooted issues because of any of the causes listed earlier, etc. Those people for the first couple hundred years in America may have become drunks, or drug addicts. They may have taken out their issues through spousal assault, may have have been sexually promiscuous to the point of serious personal detriment, may have floundered throughout life unable to cope, may have been called a crazy person, may have become a gambler and ruined their lives financially, may have simply led extremely unproductive, unhappy lives. WHY might they have done and/or become all those things? Because they COULD.

You know what was HARD to do then?

Sit on your ass all day and eat. Only the very rich could afford that.

Guess what? Now anyone can. Now tons of jobs that even middle class and even poverty level people have require no physical labor. Now the cheapest food to buy for you and/or your family are Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, Little Debbie snack cakes, Ramen noodles, double cheeseburgers, $5 dollar little ceasar pizza, kool-aid, etc. Now even more middle class and poverty level people have a roof over their head and a couch and a TV. Now financial irresponsibility runs rampant, so its possible to become sedentary and eat tons without even having much of a job, or even one at all depending on what government assistance you qualify for.

SO, while your average person might become heavy these days or even obese because of a sedentary lifestyle filled with poor food options that America more easily offers than ever before, I believe the huge amount of people in this country who are REALLY obese people; those 5'4 women going 280, the 5'8 women going 360, the 5'10 guys going 410, and the 6'3 guys going 500, 600, 700, 800 pounds. Those people would've turned to one of the twenty ways you could deal with having issues in your life 80, 150, 200 years ago that I mentioned above (drugs/alcohol, abusing others, gambling, sex, hold it inside and lash out, etc.)

I think that's it.

What is food, but the latest great vice of a nation full of them. A nation full of people just trying to get by and live a good life, but overwhelmed by some of their struggles, and in need of what often amounts to misguided "solutions" to their problems.

And don't get me wrong, I don't think it's society's fault, or the media, or the fast food places fault that obese people get obese. It's still a symptom that each person is responsable for recognizing and then working to heal themselves and there issues and get healthy, but it's still frustrating how off track the mentality of the country is around the issue

For instance, I think nobody on a national scale acknowledges the facts on the matter because there's very few votes to be gained by talking about those massive fundamental problems that hide in every dark corner of our society. There's few votes to be gained by recognizing that obesity is about more than fat people not exercising and eating too much.

There's few votes to be gained by recognizing that the "Obesity Epidemic" is just the most recent epidemic in a long line of them that are simply human beings trying to cope with issues in life that are painful or hard to deal with. It's just a problem now because for the first time in American history, circumstances (availability of food, culture around food, sedentary lifestyle, etc.) are such that it CAN be.

That's it.

Sadly, there are of course plenty of votes to be gained from grandstanding about this darn nemesis of good old American can-do-ness: the Obesity Epidemic. There's plenty of votes to be gained from taking coke machines out of schools and encouraging people to just stop eating at fast food places so darn much!

Anyway, I have plenty more thoughts on what role obesity and obese people can, do, should, or shouldn't play in society, or how I feel about how society treats me and other obese people, but I'll save those for another day.

For today I just felt like I needed to get out some frustration around the media, the government, and society generally scratching their heads or pointing to misguided studies to try to solve this obesity issue. This apparent enigma of a problem, wrapped in mystery, inside a riddle.

Really?

Really?!?

They can't see that while plenty of people still smoke some pot or beat their wife to cope, other people now (BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN AMERICAN HISTORY, THEY CAN) stuff their face with a few extra double cheeseburgers in between breaks at their job sitting typing reports?

Fucking REALLY?!?

Hello Goodbye: Weekly Review & Planning

2009-01-09T16:03:00.007-07:00

My Goals for the last week are listed below, with comments on how I actually did in red:

1) Drink 6 liters of water daily. - Decided the first day of last week to lower that goal (thanks to advice from Fat Lazy Guy) to a more reasonable 4 liters. With today's goal 2 cups away, I reached my goal 5 of the last 6 days since I set these goals.

2) Start new sub-section blog to track water intake progress. - Done (link also at right under "My Workouts & My Eating"

3) Do at least 1/2 hour of cardio (the class, walks, aerobics at home, etc) at least 5 days. - If I workout today I will have done 4 out of the goal of 5.

4) Work out with weights at home at least 3 times. - I didn't work out with weights once, I did do 30-50 wall push-ups several times this week though.

5) No binges - Binged once this week, I didn't write it down or tell anyone about it, but I did do it. I binged on Saturday on a can of Pringles and 2 subway sandwiches (again, NOT the Jared kind).

6) Write at least 4 posts on this blog - Accomplished that goal with this post.

7) Lose 8 lbs - I lost 9 pounds, bringing me to 598 pounds.

Oh man do I feel good about this week. I felt great this morning when I saw I lost 9 pounds, but now that I'm actually reviewing the work I did this week I feel even better.

See, as it turns out, I thought I had done more cardio than I had. In reality I only did cardio 3 of the 6 days since I last posted (I plan to weigh and do weekly reviews every Friday, but did it on Sat last week because I got back into town Friday and didn't have time). So, 9 pounds in 6 days with only 3 days of cardio is Awesome! More importantly, that instantly gets me excited to make my goal of 5 days of cardio in this next 7 days.

Additionally, I feel really good about my water this last week, which was undoubtedly the best its been in 9 months.

Plus, I only binged once! Still one too many, but what a difference compared to the physical anarchy of a month ago.

Okay, now, looking ahead. Below are my goals for the next week:

1) Drink 6 liters of water daily.

2) Do at least 1/2 hour of cardio (the class, walks, aerobics at home, etc) at least 5 days.

3) Work out with weights at home at least 2 times.

4) Because I've been doing this for a couple weeks and want to keep it up, and also want to keep track of the healthy habits I'm building, this week a goal will be to continue to write down everything I eat on my sub-blog.

5) No binges

6) Write at least 4 posts on this blog

7) I'm not sure if I will always want to make a certain number of weight loss a goal, and I'm already wavering as to its usefulness, but for now I'll keep it. So my goal for this next week is the same as the number I accomplished this last week: Lose 9 lbs, which will take me under 590.

And before I end this post, I feel I ought to take one last look back at one of the most significant numbers of my life so far: 600. As in, 600 pounds.

I've crossed important thresholds before and said to myself "I'll never see 400/450/500/550 pounds again", but this time I honest to God mean it in such an intense way. I will NEVER see 600 pounds on a scale ever again.

I don't quite even know how to best honor the meaning in my life of getting over 600 pounds, and the more important moment of bidding it farewell.

Suffice to say that weighing over 600 pounds represented the darkest moment, and the most out of touch moment, in my life. A time when my life long habits of hiding, isolating, self destruction, disconnecting, and denial made their last desperate push to destroy me.

But this last year was also filled with some of the most key mental and emotional growth of my life, and ultimately its the strides I've made in those areas that have helped me turn the tide on the negative habits/tendancies/traits. Every day those poison traits, those poisonous traits that got me to 600 pounds, lose a little of their hold within me and I replace them with positive ones.

Goodbye 600 pounds. Goodbye forever, you horrible, evil, hellish son of a bitch.

Hello 500's.

No, don't get up. Thanks, but I'll keep my coat. No, I'm okay. I don't need to get comfortable.

I don't plan on staying here very long...

...And the Truth Shall Set You Free

2009-01-08T16:34:00.009-07:00

Paradigm - noun, [par-uh-dahym, -dim]
1. A set of assumptions, concepts, values, and practices that constitutes a way of viewing reality.

Paradigm Shift, is a powerful shift in a way something is viewed. However, Paradigm Shift is more than a mid-to-late 90's business world buzz word. It's more then a carelessly coughed up Stephen Coveyism.

When I attempted the first major weight loss effort of my life, the effort was fraught with self-help jargon from Stephen Covey, Zig Zigler, Tony Robbins, etc. It was riddled with pop-psych, self-help concepts because I was making the effort with my father over the summer between my sophomore and junior years of high school, and he was in an extreme self-help phase. It was 1998. I was 16. I started the summer at 353 pounds. At the end of the summer, 8 weeks later, I was 303 pounds.

I really enjoyed all the self help stuff that summer, I ate it up with a big spoon (ironically foreshadowing the multitude of eventual run ins I would have with pints of Ben & Jerry's, and whole Costco cheesecakes)

I loved "I'll see YOU, at the TOP!", I loved "The secret of success is learning how to use pain and pleasure, instead of having pain and pleasure use you", and I especially loved the concept of Shifting my Paradigm.

Suddenly you see everything differently, and as applied to my weight loss, suddenly you see the way to lose weight was in front of you the whole time. That is the power of a paradigm shift as a I thought of it then. In 1998 I didn't really feel like something had actually shifted, but I GOT the concept, I really GOT IT, and that felt wise and important and like a step towards growing in a healthy direction. All that helped enough for me to lose 50 pounds that summer.

*fast forward*

8 months ago I was in a therapy session when I had an epiphany. It was so incredible I wrote it in my journal. This is what it says: "I couldn't change because I thought I couldn't change!!!"

Astounding, I know.

And yet, it was astounding for me then and still is for that matter, and the reason is simple. It was the moment I had a Paradigm Shift, and the shift was about the fact that a Paradigm Shift is possible.

It was at that moment that I finally connected with the fact that I am not fatally flawed, but that my PERSPECTIVE was.

5 months prior to that "ah ha!" moment in therapy I was in the middle of an extremely heated argument with my brother. I told him "You don't get it, I'm not like you, there is something different about me which makes changing SO much harder. Which makes losing weight and getting my shit together almost IMPOSSIBLE for me! You could NEVER understand. I'm not the same!!!"

And 5 months later, I got that first powerful shove in a direction that contradicted those thoughts, fully and completely.

Ever since then I have tried to focus on that concept, that epiphany that I had, and just recently I've been thinking about it a lot. Objective Optimism is the Perspective I want to live life with. No misunderstanding, I want to see life as it is: all the flaws, blessings, hardships, curve balls, ugliness, beauty, joy, sorrow, silver linings - all of it. And I want that because I want to continue to live life in the moment and to be real, not looking at the world through warped layers of denial.

But I now choose to recognize that though many things are outside of my control, many things, especially regarding my weight/health, are within my control. And I now choose to to make that paradigm shift, to align my perspective with that reality. And in doing so, I see that I can truly do anything, I can overcome anything.

THAT is the reason wars are won by impoverished, depleted army's full of sick, world-weary troops, THAT is the reason an inventor can fail at attempt number one thousand and fucking sixty to create the light bulb and KEEP TRYING, THAT is the reason that a person about to battle Cancer for the 3rd time can STILL remain Positive and not give in to unhealthy impulses.

And THAT is the reason that people who understand that fact, that fact that everything is about your paradigm, your perspective; that despite all that Pollyannaish, Rose Colored Glasses bull shit, life actually IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT.

THAT is the reason that when those people tell us they KNOW we can lose weight and get healthy - hey man, they are truly, honestly giving us as raw and real a piece of advice/support as this world can offer.

So for right now, let me tell myself again: I can do this. I can work-out, I can get up when I don't want to, I can eat right, I can turn off the TV, I can lose over 300 pounds, I can deal with life with the same humility and fortitude as those I admire.

Because it's all possible in my perspective, bottom line. THAT is the truth...

All Things Are Cause For Either Laughter or Weeping

2009-01-06T21:04:00.006-07:00

I cried today.

I don't do a lot of crying.

I've teared up a few times during emotional conversations this year, but the only two times I really remember crying this last year- hard, real crying - was when a romantic relationship looked to be over, and when my Grandmother died.

No real need to discuss what prompted the crying tonight though, suffice to say it wasn't brought on by anything around my weight, or really anything personal at all.

It's noteworthy because it doesn't happen much, not because of what spawned it tonight. It's noteworthy because I don't think what spawned it tonight, is what kept it going.

I think that if you've eaten enough, disrespected your body enough, and emotionally beaten yourself up enough to end up weighing 600 pounds, I think you have real reason to mourn.

Real reason for deep sorrow.

As is, and will continue to be, a reoccurring concept for me is my lack of being aware/present/conscious.

Getting to 600 pounds doesn't just require massive denial of reality, it doesn't just require self-imposed oblivion to the consequences of actions (even as those consequences manifest), it requires such a severe disconnect between the Person.and.EVERYTHING.

Comfortably Numb, truly numb...you feel nothing.

It's the reason I don't know when I'm full, if I'm getting sick, when I hurt myself, if I'm hungry or not, how I'm feeling, what I'm feeling, when I'm feeling it.

The incredible insulation of fat I wear daily is nothing compared to the insulation I've created mentally.

But look, tonight I cried. And see, I know I'm out of touch with my body, with my emotions, I know the extent. And I've been working on it for the better part of a year. But it's hard, but I keep going.

Tonight I was so angry, then soooo sad. Sooo sad for some time.

How do I feel though now. Can I reach inside myself and find the answer. Yes. I feel really good.

I dealt with the impetus of tonight's emotions in a healthy manner and created a healthy plan for dealing with it moving forward.

More importantly, I got in touch with a lot of sadness I've had inside me for quite a while, and that felt so good.

I love it. I love it because I know I can succeed in the long run, and for forever. Ahhhhh, I kick ass.

I love it because this process for me isn't just muscles working, sweat dripping, and blood pumping, it's as much about the mental and emotional growth.

It's as much about the tears.

I'm ready for it all. Bring it on :)

Don't Know What You've Got 'Till It's Gone

2009-01-04T11:49:00.017-07:00

I am frustrated I got so big, fuck. I am frustrated losing weight is going to take so long, fuck.

I just looked at a bunch of pictures from when I was 380-430, and oh my god do I look great. Really, not to toot my own horn, but beep beep mother fucker. I wore 400 lbs damn well.

It's so upsetting, I didn't realize what I had when I had it. I vacillated between 380-430 from roughly when I was 19 until I was 23, and the whole time I tried off and on to lose weight. I felt like I was so fat and beat myself up so much.

I look at pictures from those years now and its horrible. I know, of course, that 400 is still 200 pounds more than a 6 foot 3 man should weigh, but still, fuck, I'm amazed when I look back at the years I was in that range: things were so much easier (planes, cars, chairs, walking, shoveling snow, raking, playing basketball, etc, etc, etc, ), I was so much healthier overall, and I looked sooo damn good, soooo much better than now :(

Oh well, I will get back there, and then I'll keep going even further until I'm at my ideal weight. It'll take some time I know, but they say patience is a virtue, so let me now be virtuous and practice some.

I guess I should now try to glean the lessons from all these thoughts. An easy one is that I need to appreciate things in the moment. What that means is during this new journey to health I'd be best served to remember that while my goal is to eventually get down to a 200 something pound weight, I need to not spend this entire weight loss period looking forward to the goal. It's another welcome reminder that addresses one of my biggest issues, being present. So, let me be present, conscious, and aware instead of never satisfied and always looking to the future. Sure, I have goals, but in the mean time I will work to appreciate what I have, who I am, where I'm at, etc.

And let me use this look back at where I was as motivation to get back there ~~as soon as possible~~ as soon as possible utilizing an emotionally, mentally, and physically healthy approach.

But seriously, soon.

Dammit.

*deep breath*

"He that can have Patience, can have what he will" - Ben Franklin.

Sounds good.

Lucky Number 7: Weekly Review and Planning

2009-01-03T14:35:00.011-07:00

My Goals for the last week are listed below, with comments on how I actually did in red:

1) Drink 6 liters of water daily. - I drank 6 liters probably 3 or 4 of the days. I think I'm going to start tracking my water intake on the blog.

2) Go to the strength/step class at least 4 times. - I went 1 time. However, I worked out 3 other days very vigorously going for a walk, and doing sessions of aerobics while watching TV. Not great overall, but the best cardio week I've had since July.

3) I got a dumbbell/barbell set for Christmas! So, use those for a workout session at least 4 times. - Worked out 1 time with the weights.

4) Go for 20 minute (at a minimum) walks at least 3 times. - Essentially bested this goal by walking 1.6 miles on New Years plus doing 45 minutes of cardio 2 other times.

5) Start writing what I eat daily on this blog. - Started doing this last Monday (not technically on this blog, but on a separate one just to track that. You can find it at a link on the right side of the page under My Eating & My Workouts), and have been ever since

6) No binges - Binged Tuesday, but before I started tracking my eating I also binged on Saturday and Sunday. So 3, instead of 0.

7) Lose 20lbs - I lost 7 this last week. Bringing me down to a grand total of: 607 lbs.

There you have it.

So, how am I feeling about all of that?

Well, I am frustrated by my inability last week to control binges, but happy I only had 3 versus the 7-14 times I was bingeing a week for the last couple months.

I am glad that I began tracking my food and exercise and even more excited that its already become something of a habit.

I am proud I am able to recognize a needed improvement on how I track water and I feel confident I will put it in to action this next week.

I am amazingly excited and proud about my finally, after years of considering it, actually just getting up this last week, throwing something on to watch, and doing some fairly intensive cardio that left me drenched and feeling damn accomplished. I plan to continue that which is awesome!

And lastly, I am content with 7 pounds. It's no 20, and fuck it, that's actually alright with me. I am in this for life. Someone asked me recently why my goals for the next 90 days didn't include food (diet, calories, etc.) and the answer is that for the first time in my life instead of actively trying to adhere to a diet (Weight Watchers Points, low carb, 2000 cal/20 grams of fat, etc, etc, etc) my only food plan since I started this a few weeks ago, was to eat healthy food in reasonable quantities.

So if that is my food plan, and it is, (and with the exception of the binges and the fact I still don't eat quite enough fruits and vegetables, I think I'm doing pretty well with it), I don't need to put up the big 15, 20, 30 pound weeks, because if I work hard on exercise and eat right, I will lose enough weight to get healthy and stay that way FOREVER.

Below are my goals for the next week:

1) Drink 6 liters of water daily.

2) Start new sub-section blog to track water intake progress.

3) Do at least 1/2 hour of cardio (the class, walks, areobics at home, etc) at least 5 days.

4) Work out with weights at home at least 3 times.

5) Write at least 4 posts on this blog

6) No binges

7) Lose 8 lbs

Thanks to everyone for the continued support, and good luck to us all on making this a great week.

Looking Back and Moving Forward

2008-12-31T23:32:00.008-07:00

2008 was the hardest year of my life.

What happened...

I started it at probably around 530 lbs.

I lived alone and binged nightly on food and drink.

I bought my nicest car yet ('04 Toyota Sequoia).

In March I started isolating and turning off my cell and bingeing. I got up to 580.

In March my boss got pissed at not being able to get a hold of me and my general falling apart, and he talked about firing me.

I got so depressed after that, my father flew in to town that day to see me. We talked and decided I would check myself into a non-residential, but highly hands-on treatment center for food issues, etc.

In June I returned from treatment, 70 lbs less, full of insights, and extreme confidence.

Returning to my daily life proved much more challenging that I thought and I started gaining weight.

In September I decided I needed more hands on support and so my girlfriend and I agreed we'd move in together. I moved in with her Seattle.

Shortly thereafter all of my issues (they all affect my eating, but also lots of other areas of my life) proved to be too challenging, and too big of a risk I felt, to continue the arrangement.

I moved to Idaho to live with my sister and her family, for support, while I tried to gain some traction with my weight, etc.

Depression from the failure in Seattle contributed to a largely unabated 3 months of bingeing and complete numbness.

I officially weighed in at more than 600 lbs: 618

In late December I started this blog, started working out, and starting eating better.

I lost 4 pounds.

*END REVIEW*

I am so happy I started making changes organically, prior to 1/1, instead of making "resolutions" once New Years rolled around. I feel much more realistically poised for a successful 2009 as a result. And regarding 2009...

My main goal for 2009 is to lose 250 pounds.

For now, I'm just going to focus on the next 90 days:
1) Workout (strength and/or cardio) at least 4 days a week
2) Blog at least 4 days a week
3) Drink 6 liters of water daily
4) Get at least 1 counseling session weekly
4) Lose 32 pounds Feb 1
5) Lose another 24 pounds by March 1
6) Lose another 16 pounds by April 1

I believe this year is my greatest opportunity yet to become a healthier person: mentally, emotionally, and Physically.

I will make this my best year ever, and I will do it by working hard, giving myself grace and love, living in the moment, taking it one day at a time, and never giving up.

NEVER GIVE UP.

Good luck to us all! Happy New Year!

Post Christmas Sale - Everything Must Go!!!

2008-12-29T12:18:00.004-07:00

Below are the items for sale...

1. Christmas Tree - Suggested uses:

a) Burn in massive pyre on beach (see above)
b) Strip tree of needles. Put needles in bag. Remember to give bag of needles to child in your life at next year’s Christmas before his/her actual present(s). Suggested messaging to accompany gift: "Merry Christmas! Here's one needle for every time you've ever disappointed me", or, "The first Christmas tree I went to get committed suicide because it so badly didn't want to be our Christmas tree. It hated you. Here are its remains so you'll always be able to remember the year you ruined Christmas."

2. Perfectionism - Suggested uses:

a) Do things really well for a brief period of time (Note: often ends once inability to maintain overly high expectations causes self-hatred, guilt, burn-out, etc. Traditionally followed by extended period of apathy, depression, and return to old unhealthy behaviors)

3. Fat, lots of Fat - Suggested uses:

a) Make enough soap to keep you and your family clean for the rest of your lives.
b) Tie big pieces of it to your feet and skate on Paul Bunyan's giant frying pan.

4. Laziness - Suggested uses:

a) Save hundreds of hours of time potentially spent at the gym. If expertly used, you can even save money by not getting the gym membership in the first place.
b) Limit active lifestyle to bare minimum, basic necessities: going to restroom, looking for remote control, dialing pizza/chinese place, putting pants on to claim food/pay delivery person, etc.

5. Denial - Suggested uses:

a) Eat whatever you want, and still feel good about yourself. (e.g. literally have your cake and eat it too.)
b) Be able to feel accomplished at end of a day consisting of 5 naps, 4 hours of tv judge shows, 3 orders of General Tso's chicken, 2 times getting off the couch, and 1 horrible, but still sat through, Tyler Perry's House of Pain marathon on TBS.

So, if anyone is interested in any of the above items please contact me because, remember, EVERYTHING MUST GO!!!

Like an Unlucky Englishman...

2008-12-25T21:38:00.002-07:00

...I'm going to lose 20 Pounds

But first...

This week I lost 4 lbs! Awesome! That makes today, December 26 2009, a great day. To have been losing weight for a year now and to still be losing 4 pounds a week speaks very highly of my consistent efforts!

Wait a sec, it’s actually 2008 and 4 lbs is the total for my first week of attempted weight loss. Fuck.

I'm really disappointed. However, I'm not going to focus on being down, I'm going to examine why this week wasn't as productive as it could have been.

- I only attended 3 work out classes (Fri, Mon, Tue), of a possible 5.

- I wasn't really active at all the rest of the week.

- I ate too much Sunday night.

- I did what is generally unthinkable to me, which is essentially binge in front of other people, last night, at Christmas dinner. I ate a light breakfast at 10 or so, and then didn’t eat anything else until we had a late dinner at 9pm. Big fucking mistake. I was so hungry I had two HUGE helpings of salad with lots of fattening dressings, followed by two HUGE helpings of ham (which I don't even normally even like), 3 HUGE helpings of scalloped potatoes, 3 HUGE helpings of sausage stuffing, 5 rolls, followed by a late night pre-bedtime hamburger, and two pop tarts. Side note, if your morbid curiosity ever prompted you to wonder how someone can even get to 600 lbs, there you go. Then, repeat. Daily.

- I didn't drink very much water the last few days which at this weight leads to a fair bit of water retention.

So, in summary, I wasn't as successful as I would like this last week because
1) I didn't drink enough water
2) I didn't work out consistently enough
3) I didn't regulate my eating well enough.

Wow, shocking findings.

But really, it is valuable to me to evaluate the last week because I can see specifically where I fell down and where I need to shore up my efforts this next week. So, with that in mind, below are my goals for this next week:

1) Drink 6 liters of water daily.
2) Go to the strength/step class at least 4 times.
3) I got a dumbbell/barbell set for Christmas! So, use those for a workout session at least 4 times.
4) Go for 20 minute (at a minimum) walks at least 3 times.
5) Start writing what I eat daily on this blog.
6) No binges.
and last, but certainly not least:
7) Lose 20lbs

I guess I should address the realism of that last goal, and whether or not it is a healthy goal, as it may not seem like it. I do want to do this weight loss/getting healthy thing the right way; for the first time in my life, I really do. And I know that I have in the past put WAY too much emphasis on big weekly numbers. However, I weigh 614 pounds. A person starting their weight loss journey at 614 pounds, if their first week has regular exercise (even 20 mins. of walking daily), reasonable amounts of healthy food, and plenty of water, can expect to lose that much weight.

I know this because of the tragic fact that, like so many fat people, I know how weight loss works. I've done it. I've gone from 350 to 300 in 2 months, from 430 to 370 in one month, from 550 to 370 in 4 months, etc. And while all of those efforts had many things wrong with them, including me taking my food and exercise efforts to an unhealthy extreme, my first week in all of them was just eating right and exercising regularly and I dropped between 10-25 pounds every time.

This time I want to do it right and I know that part of that is creating a lifestyle change (instead of just "dieting") so that I can sustain my health FOREVER. For now though, I think 20 pounds feels right for this next week. So, I've set specific goals, and the most important goal is the overall target to simply exercise consistently and eat right.

Also, I believe that it's key not to beat myself up, so in that interest the sarcastic portions of this blog will be where my self-judging on this last week ends. Conversely, I believe it's equally important to recognize the successes in my struggle, both large and small, so on that note, congratulations to me for working out 3 times last week, for eating right most of the time, and for losing 4 pounds. I've been gaining for the last few months, so while the number wasn't all I wanted it to be, I am finally going the right direction again. That feels good.

*Bonus Game* - Try and guess how much weight I'll lose this upcoming week. Whoever has the closest guess wins the whole jar of gumballs, a second hand Asia Greatest Hits CD, and of course, a Stages of Change windbreaker! Good luck everybody!!

Bird on a Wire

2008-12-24T13:58:00.008-07:00

Well, it's the day before Christmas and I'm off from work. It's a fucking Christmas miracle!!! But seriously, oh man is it nice.

My mom is in town, so I've been spending a lot of time with her and my sister and her family. It's been great.

So, I have been feeling good, but today kind of out of nowhere my mom told me how worried she and my family are about me. That really, really brought me down. It's not that I don't know, or shouldn't expect that they would feel that way. After all, as has previously been discussed here, I weigh as much as a fucking baby elephant. Still, hearing her say she was worried about me and seeing the hurt in her eyes was, oh my god, just brutally painful.

As I've said, I have lived a life steeped in denial, and so even though I've been pretty in touch with reality this week, a moment like that reminded me just how out of touch I still am. If I was really in touch with reality, life would be unbearable because of where I am and the effect it is having on me and my loved ones.

My whole life has been about trying to find peace, comfort, and happiness through short sighted "solutions" (food, etc.) that have really done nothing but hurt me and/or everyone that cares about me.

I want to lose weight and get healthy because my family and friends have always supported me, unwaveringly, despite the pain I've caused them in so many different ways. They deserve it, and so do I.

It reminds me of lyrics from a great Johnny Cash song, "Bird on a Wire":
Like a baby, stillborn
Like a beast with his horn
I have torn everyone who reached out for me
But I swear by this song
And by all that I have done wrong
I'll make it all up to you

I want to create healing instead of pain. I want to deal with things as they really are, because I can't live at this weight like that.

Here's to Real living and creating Real change.

Johnny Cash - Bird on a Wire

	Johnny Cash - Bird On A Wire

	Found at skreemr.com

Walking Tall in Broken Shoes

2008-12-22T19:11:00.013-07:00

Today was a good day; I've been feeling pretty happy. I’ve been getting more and more motivated and in touch with my intrinsic desire to change and get healthy as this last week has gone on. That is soooo great.

This weekend was good. I ate well all weekend, well, actually I ate too much for dinner Sunday by quite a bit, but not nearly enough to equal of my binges. After all, as my grandfather use to say: "2 helpings each of spaghetti and salad does not 2 large extra cheese pizza's with ranch dipping sauce make."

So yea, good weekend. No real exercise which is not so good though. I've been going to these "step/strength" classes the last week, and they don't have them on the weekends. I'm going to have to start walking or something to make up for that on Sat/Sun. Wasn't too motivated to get out and walk this last weekend though, in large part because Snow & Ice are bad for me; they are the Woodward & Bernstein to my Nixon, the Batman & Robin to my Joker, the Ben & Jerry to my, well, to me also, actually. Damn you, you fucking delicious ice cream.

Anyway, the point is that too much time spent walking on icy conditions is not a risk I'm down for taking at this size; maybe when I lose enough weight to not break my shoe while I'm working out.

Oh yea, side note: on Friday I broke my fucking shoe in half while I was planting my feet hard for some balance ball ab exercises. The sole of my shoe literally cracked in two. Meh, I got over it quick. I just added it to the long list of stuff my weight has broken over the years: kitchen chair, chair at school, reclining chair in living room, patio chair in Mexican airport, another kitchen chair, another recliner, a bed, office chair, the damn steering column in my jeep, chair at treatment center, another office chair, another kitchen chair, shoe, dignity, etc.

Regardless, it's all good. Doing the day to day, working (I do sales for a criminal justice software company from home), working out, playing piano, reading inspiring blogs (thanks to all that I've found and all that have found me), writing, etc. Its feeling great, I'm holding my head a little higher, walking a little taller. And you know, if I keep on this, I think there's a chance I'll be able to start making some significant progress.

Beautiful.

The Nightmare Before Christmas

2008-12-18T19:40:00.015-07:00

Full Size ATV

Adult Black Bear

European Hybrid Car

Huge Marijuana Stash

Massive Stone Head

Novelty Size Country Fair Pot of Jambalaya

Baby Elephant

What do all the things in the above pictures have to do with me? They all weigh roughly the same amount I do. Over 600 pounds.

Holy Shit. That is terrifying.

I guess these blogs are supposed to be motivating to others and I know mine will be, but not now, and probably not until I have lost a significant amount of weight. After all, when you need motivation in keeping your house a little tidier than you normally do, there's no motivation to be found in the news story about the shut-in with garbage stacked 6 feet high in their house getting rid of half a foot of that garbage.

Oh well. This is for me I suppose, so in that interest I am posting my real honest to God weight on here today despite my intense urge not to. 618 pounds. What a nightmare.

I had a feeling I was in the range I'm in, but Denial is a POWERFUL thang, and I'm an expert. I'm like a fucking denial ninja. I sneak inside my head, remove the depressing realities of my situation and poof, vanish.

Anyway, it sucks, soooo much, but I am in this for the long run. I want real, long-term, sustained change in my life, and I am going to fight for it. So, I'll start by taking this brutal beginning point and using it as a catalyst for a kick ass first official week.

*Bonus Game: Try and guess how much weight I'll lose this upcoming Christmas week. Whoever has the closest guess wins both the whole jar of jelly beans, and a Stages of Change windbreaker! Good luck everybody!!

Of Piano & Perception

2008-12-17T21:24:00.007-07:00

Nothing ever seems as amazing to me as the simple experience of finding a new perception that shows a fundamental fact in an entirely brand new light.

Today a woman came to my home at noon to talk to me about a weight loss program that she could put together for me. The two note worthy items from her visit were A) Her Plan: Come to strength and cardio classes 5 days a week, visit once a week with a weight loss coach (discuss goals previous week and next, etc.), and have bi-monthly pseudo-counseling sessions with her while we walk, and B) Telling the woman my story brought up some very positive thoughts and feelings.

Item A - I was not overwhelmed with her pitch, but anything is better than the nothing I've been doing. I did go to a class tonight to try it out and ended up spending 45 minutes working out which was, at the very least, 45 minutes more working out then I've done in months. The class I was in consisted of about 25 people, 23 of which were woman ranging from 16-70 years old and from 100-400 pounds. The two men were a large and surly 67 year old man, and an "America’s kids are ballooning up - story at 10" looking 12 year old boy. I don't know what’s better regarding gym/work-out scenarios: being the token fat guy to a bunch of hard-bodies looking to score with the chicks with the fake racks, or being the biggest monster on the Island of Misfit Toys. Regardless, it was a great work out. I kicked my ass.

Item B - I was honest from the get go with the woman today which was great, especially since I have a lot of issues with opposite traits that negatively affect my weight: hiding, lying, denial, isolating, etc. The best thing about talking with her thought was that it gave me a chance to go over a lot of my recent past and analyze it a bit. The reason that was so good was because it (along with an assist to the similar conversation I had with a friend last night) made me think a lot about how I felt when I was in out-patient treatment for 3 months this past spring (for weight, and other issues). And explaining to this woman today all the positive things I learned at treatment I soon began feeling that confidence in my ability to ACT on those things that I had eventually felt daily during treatment – that was tremendous.

So, while the work-out was valuable, the feelings and confidence that I got in touch with during the chat with the woman I feel were more valuable. However, even more valuable still was that I believe those feelings primed me for this simplistic, but powerful, thought process I had this afternoon - I thought about how I've played piano more consistently for the last few months than I have in years, and how I've been learning and refining dozens of new songs. I thought about how it’s amazing that I've been able to learn so many songs, and that I am remembering them (because I play by ear, I have no sheet music to refer to), and even improving them. Anyway, the reason for that is that I am being mindful and aware and consciously remembering that I want to play, and consciously remembering the songs and how I want to play them to maximize my enjoyment and ability.

Beautiful, I was able to use my fresh perspective on my piano playing to help remind me in an exciting and "brand new" way the fundamental fact that I have the skills to lose weight and make all the changes I want, I just have to work on being conscious and aware in order to put them in action.

Bonus Points: I’m starting to feel like, if I keep thinking about the piano analogy, I’m going to associate playing piano with the things I need to do to lose weight and my intrinsic desire to do them.

Piano, to paraphrase Ben Folds: I have you to thank for this.

Joining the Ranks of a Largely Defeated Army, or: How I Learned to Stop Doubting and Love Myself

2008-12-14T20:01:00.011-07:00

Above are screenshots of three of the hundreds of weight loss related blogs I've viewed in the last 2 days. And those three have something significant in common with 95% of those blogs: they didn't last long. At all. The majority have been under 10 posts total, and then...nothing. Years pass.

I feel for all those would-be bloggers because, like most people that have struggled with their weight, or the larger concept of trying to create long-lasting, positive change in their lives, I have been there. I've launched a thousand "brand new days". New plans, new strategy's, new beginnings, new classes, books, groups, living situations, diets, lifestyles, routines, etc, etc, etc.

It never gets any easier; failing at a new approach, which is hard because it's so much fun at the start. I once heard the nature of man described aptly as something to the effect of "Great at creation, poor at maintainence".

But, when it comes to human nature, another common theme is perseverence. So, in the interest of attempting to persevere, I am following in the footsteps of both those who failed and left their blog like a virutal ghost town, and those who triumphed. I am starting a blog to track what I plan to be a journey of weight loss and overall success in a life previously marked by failure.

Good luck to me, and to serve the double purpose of serving as a self-motivating final statement of this post, and a potential piece of advice to those who pass by here in the future if I too abandon my post: Never Give Up.