Friday, February 20, 2009

Don't Call It A Comeback

I haven't been to my blog, or any at all, since probably Feb 5.

Towards the end of Jan things started going south for me. I lost motivation, started eating poorly, didn't work out as much, etc.

This continued until just recently.

I was chalking it up to not being vigilant. If I didn't stay focused, aware, in touch with my goals, etc, I figured that was enough to derail me. Essentially: the more I didn't do those things, the more I didn't do those things.

And not doing those things meant the opposite: mindlessness, disconnect, poor eating, binging, not working out much, etc.

I realized recently that while it is true that you breed more of whatever you're doing, at the core of my off-track behavior was emotional unrest.

I was recently able to deal with the issue those emotions were stemming from. And while the outcome was not what I ultimately would have preferred, I know that it was the most healthy decision to make. Extremely hard, but honestly, probably one of the most healthy things I have ever done.

After all, again, what is more important to me then getting healthy, in every way. And what do I cling to now that prevents any possible leg-up, any untapped resource, any available assistance, any untried process, any necessary decision? I've known for the better part of the last year that it was time to put aside any pride, any fear, any wants, and accept that changing my life is a By Any (healthy) Means Necessary affair.

Now, that doesn't make every instance of personal examination any easier.

It doesn't make every internal realization of some unhelpful trait or part of myself that I discover needs to be addressed any more fun.

It doesn't make any of the bountiful times over the last 10 months I've had to humble myself any more enjoyable.

And it doesn't make facing fear - the fear at the heart of choosing to live a life I've never known, the fear of exiting my comfort zone in every healthy action of every day - accepting what I must do does not make that fear go away.

However, every time I do those things: face those fears, own who I am and realize the changes that need to be made, throw away pride and embrace what's necessary to increase my well-being - I grow stronger.

The experience I went through recently brought a vast amount of sadness, but you know what feelings are persevering for me, and are only growing? Empowerment and peace.

Can you imagine such a thing? A life of failure and sadness, despair, hurt, hatred, anger, melancholy, depression. A life seeking a means to heal those feelings through quick fixes, sleep, a drink, a pizza, the pressing desires of the moment, the NEED to be comfortably numb.

That I have been that person, but that I can now step outside the confines of that brutal, self-imposed emotional wasteland and face life, and make the hard choices, and feel empowered? And feel peace wash over me?

It's beautiful. It's so beautiful.

And it never gets old.


Thanks to everyone who commented or emailed to inquire about how I was doing. The support, outreach, and caring of this community is an amazing thing. Thank you again.


  1. You just made my day! I am so happy you are back. This is a victory.

  2. So glad you are back. We're all on it for the long haul together. Learning about yourself is hard work much more exhausting than any work-out. Recovery from that is needed just like recovery from a marathon. Tomorrow is always a new day.

  3. Welcome back brother!

    I understand where you're coming from. The emotional eating. Many of us do.

    I'm down 70+ pounds, I know what I have to do to continue down this path, and yet I still make the same mistakes too. It really is a lifelong commitment to get what you want.

  4. I am glad you are BACK. BACK is what matters, that you didn't disappear- I hope that you will write more and more... we learn from it!

  5. Love the post. Glad you made it back. I could totally relate to the "comfortably numb" (I saw Pink Floyd twice ) thing. I am a quick fix kind of person, and have tried to maintain that numbness by all means possible. Till is just doesn't work anymore. But I still give another try time after time. INSANITY! I am inspired by your writing. Keep it coming.

  6. I checked every day to see if you'd posted again. Great post.

  7. First of all, welcome back to the blogworld. I was worrying about you.

    I am so proud of you that you are dealing with these issues now in a positive way. Love what you said about "empowerment and peace." That's what it's all about for all of us on this journey. We all need to find the "empowerment and peace" within ourselves.

  8. So glad to see you back, I was really starting to get worried.

  9. Good to see you back. I was getting worried which is a strange thing to feel about someone you have never actually met.

  10. I am so glad to finally hear from you! We all need to look within while we are changing the outside of us! You are in my thoughts and prayers!

  11. I'm glad you're moving forward again... We all lose momentum from time to time and sometimes we even take a few steps backwards. But the journey continues!

    You're a brave man with a beautiful soul!

  12. whew! It's GREAT to see you back. I've been worrying about you. It sounds as though you went through a deeply personal trial...and came out the better for matter how unpleasant.
    Thank you for sharing what you've felt, are feeling...
    :) I think it's not just about losing weight and getting healthy. I believe we have these great epiphanies on the way to help us realize who we are and just how we've lost so much least that's what I'm going through on this journey. :)
    It's great to see you!

  13. hes back hes back! hang in there...

  14. THANK YOU for checking back in.
    we have all been fretting about you.

  15. Hello again, so nice to see you. Thank You for yet another inspirational post, many if not all of us can relate in some way to how your feeling. It's such a wonderful thing to be on this journey TOGETHER.

  16. OMG! I almost jumped out of my chair when I saw on google reader that you had posted something. It is great to have you back man!

    Ah, a weight loss journey is all about dealing with your emotions. So very true.

  17. So glad to have you back!

    what you have described has not been a setback at have dealt with some emotional issues and come out the other side stronger. That is a wonderful victory! One that will certainly help you to go on with your plans for healthy eating and living.

    Missed you, alot....your posts are always thought provoking.

  18. Sounds like you're growing and that's part of the journey. Sometimes it just takes 2 steps back to move 1 step forward. Sounds like you could use a big hug *BIG HUG*. Glad to see you back, we are all in this together. We all missed you. Posting really does help.

  19. I'll say it too! We missed you and glad you are back. I'm struggling right now majorly myself so I know how it is. That we keep coming back into the caring arms of our fellow bloggers and supporters is good. This is a tough road for us all we just have to keep chugging along the best we can. We are all dealing with our personal battles. And know, we are exactly where we are supposed to be at every moment. Hang in there and again, It is so good to get you back!

  20. I am so sorry for your pain, but very glad you chose to come back. I hate to lose a blog friend because sometimes, people disappear and we never know what happened to them. So I am very glad you're here. We all care and we will be here to cheer you on.

  21. Hey! Did you pull the earlier FUCKYOUFOOD post?! I was interested to read it and now I can' find it... ??????

  22. HEY the fuck you food post is fucking comes thru on my reader but when I go to comment it say's it's not there :(. Oh well, just wanted to say I can relate...and PUT IT BACK UP!! LOL