I haven't been to my blog, or any at all, since probably Feb 5.
Towards the end of Jan things started going south for me. I lost motivation, started eating poorly, didn't work out as much, etc.
This continued until just recently.
I was chalking it up to not being vigilant. If I didn't stay focused, aware, in touch with my goals, etc, I figured that was enough to derail me. Essentially: the more I didn't do those things, the more I didn't do those things.
And not doing those things meant the opposite: mindlessness, disconnect, poor eating, binging, not working out much, etc.
I realized recently that while it is true that you breed more of whatever you're doing, at the core of my off-track behavior was emotional unrest.
I was recently able to deal with the issue those emotions were stemming from. And while the outcome was not what I ultimately would have preferred, I know that it was the most healthy decision to make. Extremely hard, but honestly, probably one of the most healthy things I have ever done.
After all, again, what is more important to me then getting healthy, in every way. And what do I cling to now that prevents any possible leg-up, any untapped resource, any available assistance, any untried process, any necessary decision? I've known for the better part of the last year that it was time to put aside any pride, any fear, any wants, and accept that changing my life is a By Any (healthy) Means Necessary affair.
Now, that doesn't make every instance of personal examination any easier.
It doesn't make every internal realization of some unhelpful trait or part of myself that I discover needs to be addressed any more fun.
It doesn't make any of the bountiful times over the last 10 months I've had to humble myself any more enjoyable.
And it doesn't make facing fear - the fear at the heart of choosing to live a life I've never known, the fear of exiting my comfort zone in every healthy action of every day - accepting what I must do does not make that fear go away.
However, every time I do those things: face those fears, own who I am and realize the changes that need to be made, throw away pride and embrace what's necessary to increase my well-being - I grow stronger.
The experience I went through recently brought a vast amount of sadness, but you know what feelings are persevering for me, and are only growing? Empowerment and peace.
Can you imagine such a thing? A life of failure and sadness, despair, hurt, hatred, anger, melancholy, depression. A life seeking a means to heal those feelings through quick fixes, sleep, a drink, a pizza, the pressing desires of the moment, the NEED to be comfortably numb.
That I have been that person, but that I can now step outside the confines of that brutal, self-imposed emotional wasteland and face life, and make the hard choices, and feel empowered? And feel peace wash over me?
It's beautiful. It's so beautiful.
And it never gets old.
Thanks to everyone who commented or emailed to inquire about how I was doing. The support, outreach, and caring of this community is an amazing thing. Thank you again.