Friday, February 27, 2009

Being True to the Process

I wrote the below post earlier this week. However, I removed it pretty quickly because of several things. One is that I just sat down to write a blog without much thought as to what it would be and when I was done I realized I had written the post like a poem or something. And don't get me wrong, I really enjoy writing (professionally, essays, blog posts, etc,) but I've never written poetry really - maybe a couple cracks at it in school, at most.

So to see that I had written something that was not really just a post but kind of a poem or a, hell, I don't even know. Anyway, suffice to say I didn't intend to, and one of the reasons I took it down was that I didn't want people to either think it sucked because I was trying to write a poem (though it clearly has no structure) and/or that I was a pretentious asshole who thought he could write good poetry and needed to share it with the world.

The other reason was how negative it was.

However, I've now decided that whatever it is, it most importantly is where I was when I wrote it, and that is what matters. The purpose of this blog is not to write things I am proud of technically or even content-wise, but to share honestly, openly, both the ups and the downs I experience as I try to create massive change in my life.

The post:

Food, you fucking evil bitch.
You cutthroat, joking, tricky trickster fuck.

Food, you never sleep - you're tireless.
You needle me through night or day, or both.

Food you drain my energy.
The want for you clouds my need to act.
Desires to move and change crumble in your hands.

You're a marrow sucking bastard, gnaw away at all my strength.
You're a junkie's junk, food.
You trap me in a prison constructed from you my greatest vice.

A crack head with a room devoted to the storing, creation, and preparation of crack.
A crack head with another room devoted to the act of smoking it.
Food, what's a more unholy hell than that?

The alcoholic gives up the bottle,
He must not pick it up for at least 3 moderate drinks a day to sustain his life.
What an insidious evil you are.

Food, you are comfort in infancy, childhood.
A reward for success.
A gathering centerpiece, a foundation for fellowship.

A life enriching thing, lauded for millennia in books and stories.
You're an art form at best, a travesty at worst.
A guilty pleasure.

Food you fucking lousy lover, you don't fulfill despite your bluster and bravado.
Your sweet nothings whispered are just that.
When it's over I'm left with no comfort, no thrill, no hope, no calm, no peace.

Food you fucking mother fucker.
I can't BELIEVE I have to stay to survive,
I'd fucking leave.

Like an abused spouse I stay with you and come each day to you.
To feast at your trough.
To gorge on your empty promises.

Fuck you.

I sit on the precipice of fatal sickness from you
Yet healing is to ingest your germs?

Fuck you.

Fuck you for who I have become.

32 comments:

  1. It is the most underrated and impossible to quit addictions. No one becomes addicted to water, air, sleeping or ambient sources of warmth.

    On the same token, no one has ever tried to stop shooting up heroin by doing just enough to stay satisfied while living in a society where advertisers push how incredible this heroin is and what a great deal you can get on it for the next few days, socializing and interacting with an entire population of people that not only do heroin all the time, but offer some to you frequently.

    No, food is the most difficult to manage addiction. Ever.

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  2. It is difficult. I used to think it was impossible. But now, I think it can be done. I wish you the best. I wish I could make something change for you to make it easier.

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  3. Well done! Props to just letting this blog be about what is going on in the moment. It is hard sometimes to talk about the down times but I am so glad you did. I think most of us can relate to your poem. Reading that post gave me strength today to say "fuck you, food",when I wanted to overeat. Thanks!

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  4. Your poem is great. I've always found your writing to be extremely honest. That's what I like most about it =).

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  5. Wow! Very powerful words. For someone who is not a poet, you nailed it.

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  6. I could feel (and understand) the raw emotion exuded in the poetry you shared....and yes, it is poetry. :) I think you eloquently expressed the frustration, fears, love, and hatred many of us experience with food.
    Well done! :)

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  7. I agree with the others... call it what you want, but it's poetry of my heart and soul. From the first line your post had me in it's grip, nodding along, knowing where it was going. You spoke my words.

    Thank you for sharing.

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  8. I'm glad you posted your poem after all. I thought it was great and very heart felt and true. I really think for you the big key is don't isolate yourself. Don't you think when you're posting things go better than when you're not? Plus we all miss you like crazy when you go away for long stretches. So maybe it's just my selfishness talking *smile*. Anyway, loved your poem and hope you keep your posts coming.

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  9. I like this, and I really admire your commitment to being honest about the process.

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  10. Hey! Glad you reposted it. Besides... A year from now if you went back and revisited your past posts... wouldn't you think that it was all a bit too positive and unrealistic if you were missing the negatives, the freakouts, the burnouts, and the fall-flat-on-your-faces? I mean how many times does changing your food relationships feel like trying to fit a square peg into a circular hole... I know I feel like a square peg most days... out of place... in unknown territory... scared-

    Nice to see a post... I hope you can get back into the groove...

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  11. Man, I've so been there, dude. It's good you posted it. It gets it out, and it's not something to worry about.

    Hope you're having a good day, mate.

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  12. Wow! That was just simply amazing. It is real and raw and truthful.

    My favorite part was
    The alcoholic gives up the bottle,
    He must not pick it up for at least 3 moderate drinks a day to sustain his life.
    What an insidious evil you are.

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  13. Many times right before I overeat, I hear this voice saying (or am I saying the words?)--fuck it. Fuck them. I never know who I am speaking to. I just feel annoyed or spent or somehow powerless. People have told me food has no power; cannot chase me or hold me down. But I love your lines: The want for you clouds my need to act.
    Desires to move and change crumble in your hands
    Why not personify it? I'm going to try it out. . . try saying it--fuck you Food--and turn my head. . I'm going to try it.

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  14. I have always felt this way but thought it was just me. I tell my friends to imagine giving up a drug addiction if you still had to have just a bit of the drug everyday. I have quit other vices in my life just by walking away, cold turkey. This isn't one of them. Everyday, every meal you have to fight the addiction to eat just what you need to get by but nothing more. It is impossibly hard. Thank you for finally providing a voice to the thoughts that run thru my head.

    Jared from 12MillionSteps.com

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  15. Your words are powerful and this is your blog. Write what you want, how you feel. You are not here to fulfill something for us, you are doing this for you.

    I feel the same way about food that you do. Everything in life revolves around it. You can run or hide from it. She's truly an evil bitch, food is!

    Keep putting your thoughts here! You do help others when you do. We want to help you too, though, so keep us in touch!

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  16. Wow. That is really touching, very raw and real. I relate. You're not alone.

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  17. How's it going? Hope you're doing ok this week.

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  18. Love the post, I believe you have to let all energies out not just the positive ones. I wish you could see the power in all of your writings. The power in you.

    I know it is different for everyone but for me what I eat has a strong power over foods hold. From having set backs it has show it still holds true whether I like it or not. Fought it for years for so many reasons. Without the changes it is a no win here that can spiral fast and hard. Use that raw strength of emotion to fight the hold.
    Hoping the week has been good to you and the weekend even better.

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  19. Hey mate. Where are you? Keep us updated.

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  20. Missing you, Man.....what's up?

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  21. Just checking in to see how you're doing.

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  22. Whatever has happened doesn't matter. This breath is a new beginning. Move forward.

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  23. Every day I look to see if you have posted.

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  24. I look for you too. Miss your posts. Hope to see you back here soon.

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  25. I'm hoping everything is okay, please come back.

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  26. That's very powerful. I want to try it too and say, "FUCK YOU, FOOD. F U C K YOU!" I hope things are going okay. We're all here for you.

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  27. Never give up, never surrender. Come back to us!

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  28. I just found your blog today. My heart aches for you. No, I don't feel sorry for you. I just understand how you feel.

    I know I could be exactly where you are because of my own warped relationship with food. Left to my own devices, I would most likely eat myself into oblivion.

    I have no brilliant words of widom or advice for you. You know a lot more about what will fix YOU than I know.

    Your writing is amazing. Do you write for a living? I read today's post, 5/30, and this one. I will continue to read them all.

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