I had a phenomenal time with the people there, both BL hopefuls like myself, as well as with the casting staff.
Through a variety of call backs - on-site, phone, and video, I was just about to be, it appeared to me at least, cast on the show.
However, by the time they called me, that last, climactic time, to tell me, it had been months and months.
And I had gained over 100 pounds.
I got their message and never called them back.
Too fat for the show I thought, I'd lost my chance. They wouldn't want me anymore now that I was over 500 lbs.
Well, I may have been right, but more importantly, it doesn't matter.
I'm grateful I didn't go on the show. It's the same kind of gratitude I have around not getting Gastric Bypass despite the incessant urgings of family and friends over the years.
I have a lot to work through, and weight is only the symptom. And I want to do it all in a healthy way. That is the only real way for me, now: healthy.
I don't want to lose 200 pounds in 2 months spent w/o my job, day-to-day life, and normal responsibilities.
And I don't want to have a surgeon alter my body in order to induce medically-approved starvation.
When I didn't get on the show and when I kept turning down weight loss surgery, I had years of unpleasantness ahead of me.
It was painful. I suffered more failures, gained more weight, caused more anguish to myself and those who care about me.
But, I'm not in that place anymore.
I'm moving in a new direction now, and have been for some time.
And as to how I came about that new direction?
Through trials and tribulations and learning and growing.
So now, I don't want what the American Medical Association and the Biggest Loser want for me.
Now I want to learn about moderation and working hard to accomplish a goal that matters, for me. I want to love myself and treat myself with enough kindness that losing weight is a secondary result. I want to heal emotionally/mentally/spiritually AND physically so that I will be able to sustain my success for a lifetime.
And I will.
Recently I have been seeing this banner ad for Jillian Michael's website.
Well, last time I saw it, just for fun, I clicked it.
I had no expectation to do more than walk through a couple of the registration steps to see what it was about.
Well, on her homepage you get started with your "free" weight-loss plan. Again, no expectations on my part, so I put in the data: age, height, email, goal weight, and, of course, my current weight: 550 lbs, and I proceeded to CLICK THERE IT'S FREE!!!!.
Read what it said.
There in the screenshot above. The pinkish box on the right side. That box popped up when I clicked.
It's an error message.
It says: "Hey, please take care of the following: Please enter a valid weight."
Well, 550 is my weight. It's as real and valid as can be.
I obviously had some struggles during the last few weeks. And I hadn't weighed myself since 9/9. I knew however that I'd gained weight. I could feel it. How much I didn't know.
Thankfully, after getting back on track early last week, I've been back on in a big way. So, I'm back at 550 lbs, 1 pound heavier than I was when I got back from my trip.
I'm grateful I didn't do more damage, or maybe grateful that I was able to recover from the damage I did do so fast. Either way, I am grateful.
And moreover, I am excited.
Excited because my future is bright.
It may not have a weight loss reality show gig to offer, or a magical medical procedure to help.
No, it has so much more.
This week, as only any of us can do - one day at a time, I will continue to move into that future with exuberance and joy.
I am reclaiming my life through my actions.
That is beautiful.
That is healthy.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.