Monday, December 29, 2008

Post Christmas Sale - Everything Must Go!!!

Below are the items for sale...

1. Christmas Tree - Suggested uses:

a) Burn in massive pyre on beach (see above)
b) Strip tree of needles. Put needles in bag. Remember to give bag of needles to child in your life at next year’s Christmas before his/her actual present(s). Suggested messaging to accompany gift: "Merry Christmas! Here's one needle for every time you've ever disappointed me", or, "The first Christmas tree I went to get committed suicide because it so badly didn't want to be our Christmas tree. It hated you. Here are its remains so you'll always be able to remember the year you ruined Christmas."

2. Perfectionism - Suggested uses:

a) Do things really well for a brief period of time (Note: often ends once inability to maintain overly high expectations causes self-hatred, guilt, burn-out, etc. Traditionally followed by extended period of apathy, depression, and return to old unhealthy behaviors)

3. Fat, lots of Fat - Suggested uses:

a) Make enough soap to keep you and your family clean for the rest of your lives.
b) Tie big pieces of it to your feet and skate on Paul Bunyan's giant frying pan.

4. Laziness - Suggested uses:

a) Save hundreds of hours of time potentially spent at the gym. If expertly used, you can even save money by not getting the gym membership in the first place.
b) Limit active lifestyle to bare minimum, basic necessities: going to restroom, looking for remote control, dialing pizza/chinese place, putting pants on to claim food/pay delivery person, etc.

5. Denial - Suggested uses:

a) Eat whatever you want, and still feel good about yourself. (e.g. literally have your cake and eat it too.)
b) Be able to feel accomplished at end of a day consisting of 5 naps, 4 hours of tv judge shows, 3 orders of General Tso's chicken, 2 times getting off the couch, and 1 horrible, but still sat through, Tyler Perry's House of Pain marathon on TBS.

So, if anyone is interested in any of the above items please contact me because, remember, EVERYTHING MUST GO!!!


  1. Yeah, let it go, let it ALL go!

    *but no thank you, I don't want to claim it*

  2. Yeah, well, I don't want them, but you definitely need to let them go!!!!!!!!!!!

    Good luck! You can do this.

  3. Let it go!! You can do this!! Thanks for reading my blog, I appreciate it! I hope you stay tuned.. because we can totally do this!
    thanks again!

  4. I am so proud of you! You're not only taking on the physical tasks (eating healthyfully, exercising, etc.), but you're taking on the emotional tasks in a beautiful fucking way. Your willingness to be open, honest and vulnerable are inspiring beyond words. I believe in you and I can't wait to see where you're at in a few months (or even six weeks (what?!)). :)

  5. Hmmm...the tree is the only thing remotely tempting and that's simply because I'd love to watch it burn. I suggest you wrap up all those other things you have for sale and toss them in the fire with that dried out conifer!

    Dr Phil would be so proud of your insights! :O) Actually I am too. I'm excited to watch your transformation inside and out. Mwah!

  6. Perfectionism is a bitch. I don't know who ever thought that being perfect should be a goal because they truly do suck.

    I say this as a raging Virgo who strives for perfection each and every day. But I am learning to let that dream go and focus on what I do get right.

    But you are right, you have to ditch the old self defeating bad behaviors and ideas in order to be successful at this incredibly hard thing. It is not easy losing hundreds of pounds. But if you get a grip, take a breath and take each day as it comes it eventually starts to get you what you want - a happier, healthier body and mind.

  7. Excellent post/blog. Don't think I'll be taking any of them off your hands though ..... :)
    Wishing you all the best for 2009.

  8. Knowing what you have to get rid of is a big step toward a new, healthy lifestyle.

    I enjoy your sense of humor and style of writing, I'll be back watch you get rid of all those things that none of us want to 'take off your hands'. (Just load 'em up and take 'em to the dump)

  9. You received a Truly Beautiful award from me! Check it out on my blog!!! Thanks for being you! <3

  10. whats the plan around here for New Years?
    are you a resolutioner?

    all that...

  11. Something I've realized is that none of us are lazy, we are just tired. We are darn strong people to be able to carry around the weight, just give that some thought. Think how strong your body really is underneath it all. So don't ever think of yourself as lazy, maybe tired, but definitely not lazy.

    Thanks for your comment on my blog I'm glad you pointed me in your direction. I'm looking forward to your journey. I'm totally jealous too that you can play the piano. If you can figure it out you should post yourself playing here somehow. I'm so totally not with it that I struggle just figuring out pictures so putting sound would make my head spin lol. Would love to hear you play though.

    I agree with the rest just let it go, cleansing ourselves of our negative thinking is huge. Self love that's what we need the most. That's what will get us thinner.

  12. Hopefully no one will buy what you are selling. Just DUMP it. Put it on the curb for free or just "burn" it all.

    I'm glad I've stumbled on your post. I'll enjoy following your progress.

  13. Wow.

    I love the end of year, beginning of year reversal of the resolutions idea. I'm going to keep that in mind.