Monday, December 29, 2008
Post Christmas Sale - Everything Must Go!!!
Below are the items for sale...
1. Christmas Tree - Suggested uses:
a) Burn in massive pyre on beach (see above)
b) Strip tree of needles. Put needles in bag. Remember to give bag of needles to child in your life at next year’s Christmas before his/her actual present(s). Suggested messaging to accompany gift: "Merry Christmas! Here's one needle for every time you've ever disappointed me", or, "The first Christmas tree I went to get committed suicide because it so badly didn't want to be our Christmas tree. It hated you. Here are its remains so you'll always be able to remember the year you ruined Christmas."
2. Perfectionism - Suggested uses:
a) Do things really well for a brief period of time (Note: often ends once inability to maintain overly high expectations causes self-hatred, guilt, burn-out, etc. Traditionally followed by extended period of apathy, depression, and return to old unhealthy behaviors)
3. Fat, lots of Fat - Suggested uses:
a) Make enough soap to keep you and your family clean for the rest of your lives.
b) Tie big pieces of it to your feet and skate on Paul Bunyan's giant frying pan.
4. Laziness - Suggested uses:
a) Save hundreds of hours of time potentially spent at the gym. If expertly used, you can even save money by not getting the gym membership in the first place.
b) Limit active lifestyle to bare minimum, basic necessities: going to restroom, looking for remote control, dialing pizza/chinese place, putting pants on to claim food/pay delivery person, etc.
5. Denial - Suggested uses:
a) Eat whatever you want, and still feel good about yourself. (e.g. literally have your cake and eat it too.)
b) Be able to feel accomplished at end of a day consisting of 5 naps, 4 hours of tv judge shows, 3 orders of General Tso's chicken, 2 times getting off the couch, and 1 horrible, but still sat through, Tyler Perry's House of Pain marathon on TBS.
So, if anyone is interested in any of the above items please contact me because, remember, EVERYTHING MUST GO!!!