My mom is in town, so I've been spending a lot of time with her and my sister and her family. It's been great.
So, I have been feeling good, but today kind of out of nowhere my mom told me how worried she and my family are about me. That really, really brought me down. It's not that I don't know, or shouldn't expect that they would feel that way. After all, as has previously been discussed here, I weigh as much as a fucking baby elephant. Still, hearing her say she was worried about me and seeing the hurt in her eyes was, oh my god, just brutally painful.
As I've said, I have lived a life steeped in denial, and so even though I've been pretty in touch with reality this week, a moment like that reminded me just how out of touch I still am. If I was really in touch with reality, life would be unbearable because of where I am and the effect it is having on me and my loved ones.
My whole life has been about trying to find peace, comfort, and happiness through short sighted "solutions" (food, etc.) that have really done nothing but hurt me and/or everyone that cares about me.
I want to lose weight and get healthy because my family and friends have always supported me, unwaveringly, despite the pain I've caused them in so many different ways. They deserve it, and so do I.
It reminds me of lyrics from a great Johnny Cash song, "Bird on a Wire":
Like a baby, stillborn
Like a beast with his horn
I have torn everyone who reached out for me
But I swear by this song
And by all that I have done wrong
I'll make it all up to you
I want to create healing instead of pain. I want to deal with things as they really are, because I can't live at this weight like that.
Here's to Real living and creating Real change.
Johnny Cash - Bird on a Wire
 | Johnny Cash - Bird On A Wire |  |
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 | Found at skreemr.com |  |
Hello,
ReplyDeleteI just recently found your blog, and I'm not even sure where I found it from, but yours are some of the most thoughtful posts I've ever read.
You do have really deep, insightful thoughts. I already knew that. I hope that you won't let what she said push you back. It is okay for our families to be concerned for us because we are in a pretty serious situation. I don't care if you weigh as much as a baby elephant- I am in the same boat! It is nice that she expressed her concern though (even if it just made you feel like shit) because it seems to be an expression of love.
ReplyDeleteI hope you have a wonderful Christmas!
Denial is something I am all too familiar with. It is comforting to live in denial because reality is too harsh to face. Denial is safe and warm, reality is hard and cold. Reality blasts you in the face and cuts deep to reveal everything. Reality is a bitch.
ReplyDeleteBut instead of looking at your mother's concern as a bad thing, think of it as a confirmation that your chosen path is the right one. You have begun the process to shed denial and walk straight on into reality. Your mother's concern can be used as a tool to do just that because it allowed you not to live in denial.
I recently found your blog through SpunkySuzi's blog.
ReplyDeleteYour posts are so real & raw & therefore so relateable (?)
The most important thing is to remember that You Began...You are aware...You are healing...NOW.
Merry Christmas!
Mom's inherently want to save us from everything painful! And the problem with denial is that you don't know the moment when something is going to break the barrier and slap you in the face. Seeking reality gives you freedom. It takes so much energy to hide things from yourself. Yeah, it just might suck having a spotlight shown on all the dark areas, but I can guarantee that you will find some peace in the lack of surprises! (I know of what I speak!!).
ReplyDeleteHave patience with yourself, but take the time to get real. Also, once you've gotten real, get over the reality you found! Don't obsess over the numbers of life. Focus on the things that are improving (and there will be many).
You're breaking through...step into the light!
Amen to that, brother! "Real Living" for once...in 2009 that's where I hope to be. Thanks for stopping by my blog. "nice to meet ya!"
ReplyDeleteThanks for responding to my comment! Merry Christmas to you, too!
ReplyDeleteThis blogging is helping me like nothing else ever has. I kind of know how you feel about your Mom's comment. One time my Grandma started crying and telling me how afraid she is that I'll get diabetes (and I might--my Dad has it) due to my weight. It doesn't help, though. In the past, those kinds of comments have always sent me into a downward spiral of disappointment and hopelessness for some reason. But now, I feel like although I might not like some of the comments and behaviours of other people regarding my weight, it's not up to them. It's up to me. If they can't help me and I have to do this myself, then they also can't hurt me and I can't use it as an excuse to give up.
Not that I think you will...I'm just saying that I know I won't this time, because my way of thinking has changed.
First, we have have to forgive ourselves. Make up to ourselves.
ReplyDeleteFunny those lines. . . who can blame a stillborn? Sure a stillborn "causes" pain but it's certainly not the baby's fault. . .the connections between baby's and parents is so tenable.. .
Who can blame a beast for being born a beast