My mom is in town, so I've been spending a lot of time with her and my sister and her family. It's been great.
So, I have been feeling good, but today kind of out of nowhere my mom told me how worried she and my family are about me. That really, really brought me down. It's not that I don't know, or shouldn't expect that they would feel that way. After all, as has previously been discussed here, I weigh as much as a fucking baby elephant. Still, hearing her say she was worried about me and seeing the hurt in her eyes was, oh my god, just brutally painful.
As I've said, I have lived a life steeped in denial, and so even though I've been pretty in touch with reality this week, a moment like that reminded me just how out of touch I still am. If I was really in touch with reality, life would be unbearable because of where I am and the effect it is having on me and my loved ones.
My whole life has been about trying to find peace, comfort, and happiness through short sighted "solutions" (food, etc.) that have really done nothing but hurt me and/or everyone that cares about me.
I want to lose weight and get healthy because my family and friends have always supported me, unwaveringly, despite the pain I've caused them in so many different ways. They deserve it, and so do I.
It reminds me of lyrics from a great Johnny Cash song, "Bird on a Wire":
Like a baby, stillborn
Like a beast with his horn
I have torn everyone who reached out for me
But I swear by this song
And by all that I have done wrong
I'll make it all up to you
I want to create healing instead of pain. I want to deal with things as they really are, because I can't live at this weight like that.
Here's to Real living and creating Real change.
Johnny Cash - Bird on a Wire
|Johnny Cash - Bird On A Wire|
|Found at skreemr.com|