Tuesday, January 6, 2009

All Things Are Cause For Either Laughter or Weeping

I cried today.

I don't do a lot of crying.

I've teared up a few times during emotional conversations this year, but the only two times I really remember crying this last year- hard, real crying - was when a romantic relationship looked to be over, and when my Grandmother died.

No real need to discuss what prompted the crying tonight though, suffice to say it wasn't brought on by anything around my weight, or really anything personal at all.

It's noteworthy because it doesn't happen much, not because of what spawned it tonight. It's noteworthy because I don't think what spawned it tonight, is what kept it going.

I think that if you've eaten enough, disrespected your body enough, and emotionally beaten yourself up enough to end up weighing 600 pounds, I think you have real reason to mourn.

Real reason for deep sorrow.

As is, and will continue to be, a reoccurring concept for me is my lack of being aware/present/conscious.

Getting to 600 pounds doesn't just require massive denial of reality, it doesn't just require self-imposed oblivion to the consequences of actions (even as those consequences manifest), it requires such a severe disconnect between the Person.and.EVERYTHING.

Comfortably Numb, truly numb...you feel nothing.

It's the reason I don't know when I'm full, if I'm getting sick, when I hurt myself, if I'm hungry or not, how I'm feeling, what I'm feeling, when I'm feeling it.

The incredible insulation of fat I wear daily is nothing compared to the insulation I've created mentally.

But look, tonight I cried. And see, I know I'm out of touch with my body, with my emotions, I know the extent. And I've been working on it for the better part of a year. But it's hard, but I keep going.

Tonight I was so angry, then soooo sad. Sooo sad for some time.

How do I feel though now. Can I reach inside myself and find the answer. Yes. I feel really good.

I dealt with the impetus of tonight's emotions in a healthy manner and created a healthy plan for dealing with it moving forward.

More importantly, I got in touch with a lot of sadness I've had inside me for quite a while, and that felt so good.

I love it. I love it because I know I can succeed in the long run, and for forever. Ahhhhh, I kick ass.

I love it because this process for me isn't just muscles working, sweat dripping, and blood pumping, it's as much about the mental and emotional growth.

It's as much about the tears.

I'm ready for it all. Bring it on :)


  1. To say that I'm proud of you doesn't really do what I want to say justice. You are amazing in every single way.

    Your willingness to feel your feelings, as well as your awareness of them, are both incredible indicators of where you're at right now - as well as how far you've come. What a beautiful thing.

  2. I think men have it so hard in our society because they are not supposed to cry or feel emotions. Keep crying, keep being angry...whatever you do, feel your feelings and know that it's OKAY! Be true to your feelings and don't stuff them down with food.

  3. Amazing. I find your brutal honest refreshing and cathartic. It has moved me to tears.

  4. If the emotional release will help you then that's a great process to be going through. Congrats on facing all your struggles internally and externally!

  5. Your great. Simply great. You made a big step today, in my opinion. Not only did you deal with your emotions, but you began by noticing them! You may cry a lot throughout this journey. But it's all good.. cry through it as the weight is melting off of you!

    I'm proud of you :)

  6. Wow. Can you post something that is not deep and reflective... That is the philosopher I know from last spring at TFC!

    Hey. Crying is good. You used to get all fucking cheerleader on the people at TFC (including me) who had a really good cry (the swollen, puffy, red kind). I am glad that you cried because it does show a better connection with the stuff that is going on inside of you. The disconnect that is so common with food addictions (or any others) is hard to break!

    SO, CRY YOUR EYES OUT! I am proud of you!

  7. "it's as much about the mental and emotional growth."

    That is the absolute truth!

    It's always a good thing to be in touch with your feelings...not an easy thing, but a good thing.

    I believe you are making lasting, real changes in your life! I can hear it in your words.

  8. I have so much respect for you. It is wonderful that you can cry. I can't remember ever crying before the age of 27. Now at 39, with my life as it is, I cry all the time. Okay not all the time... but I have a good blow out about once a week. I'm a perfect example of a person who didn't want to deal with their emotions, so now they have their way with me. Oof!

    I know there are so many bottled feelings inside and I know that some layers are pealed off of that old onion o' pain that is inside. I believe that each time I face these things I get a little closer to being my true self and finding my own power.

    I know it's really easy to beat yourself up, but the honesty and courage you have shown in your blog are a testament to the amazing person you are. I'm proud to be your friend and I miss you a lot.

  9. I don't mean to oversimplify but you know...sometimes you just need a good cry! Sometimes nothing else will do. It gives us a chance to say, hang on...why am I sitting here like a ball of goo? That is when the clarity and lessons come.

  10. That is so healthy! The release of stored emotions shifts so much in our bodies. Well done!

  11. Amen. This journey is so much about the emotional/mental, more than anything else really. If we don't fix our minds we will never fix our bodies, at least not for good. Feeling our feelings is a must and I think it's great you're feeling yours. Keep up the great work, you're doing wonderful.

  12. Lovely post, man. I've done the same thing. Like you said, it's great when you're done. It's like a fog lifts and everything's just a bit clearer.

    Here's to emotional and mental health, as well as physical!

  13. Crying is cleansing - gets rid of all the negative and brings in positivity! You're such an amazing person to share all of your thoughts and feelings.

  14. It's not only "as much about the mental and emotional growth" but at times it is always about the mental growth. Without the mental growth we can't talk ourselves into even trying with the physical aspects of this journey.

    I'm so glad you had a good cry and worked through your sadness. Crying is a wonderful release. It's so much easier in our society for a woman to cry to get that release and so much tougher for a man to do it. If all men would read your post and just give in to a good cry once in a while we would be living in a much better world.

  15. Wow, your post was amazing. I only spent a few hours with you last spring but I knew thru Jeff what a cool guy you were and a good friend to my hubby as well. So glad we know you and get to share our journeys. Cry, Cry, Cry, it feels great. I had my own crying breakdown yesterday and I'm sure there will be more tears coming. That butterfly will be here one day. Continue to feel your feelings and keep crying. You are growing leaps and bounds.

  16. Dude, your positivity is amazing. It's great that you are letting your emotions out. I think some of us men don't do that enough.

  17. I'll cry with you, ok? Through the tears we'll find our way.
    Thank you for posting the rawness & the vulnerable side of this journey.
    Thank you for all of your support. I'm glad you're "out there" for me :)
    I wish for the same thing as you: closeness.

  18. (no comment. no words as anything i say will only serve to diminish your amazing post.)

  19. Hey bro,

    I just wanted to thank you for your comment on my last post. I know that we are going to do this. I really hope that no matter what we're going through, we keep using these blogs to support and encourage each other.

    You are absolutely correct that this is one day at a time. One thing that is great about blogging is that we have a record of our journey. One of my biggest weight loss inhibitors is that I lose focus, or if I start to feel good, I slack off. Now, I have a record of every painful moment of the journey and my day to day amnesia can't erase that.

    Thanks for sharing your story. I get those leg cramps too, it happens all the time for me. I want to document all the indignities that I live through so I can always be reminded why I need to keep focused and keep taking care of myself.

    I hope you have a great day tomorrow!

  20. Honestly sometimes the thing I need the most is a good cry...a cleansing cry. There is something so cathartic about sobbing so hard you can't breathe. It feels like I can finally let some things go.

    All your feelings and emotions are going to continue to bubble to the surface (I like to think of it like the carbon dioxide dissolved in soda...when pressure is released, the bubbles need to come out...just like all the things we have been holding in!). <--great chem analogy I know!

    I'm guessing you will cry (and laugh and scream and dance and beat your head) more in this journey than you can even imagine.

    That's OK!

  21. Iam so Thankful that you stopped bye my blog! Iam reading yours and I already am in tears I feel so much of what you wrote sometimes we dont no how to put in words what we are going though, or are pain But you seem to find the words that touched me in so many ways I cried I must say no matter what the scale says anyone who has felt overweight knows what you are feeling, You can do this and you will I will pray for you, and no that we all are here to support you it is a big journey But there is always a path of greatness I hope your Journey is full of greatness Blessings Kat:)

  22. This post really touched my heart. I have become numb, too, and still a little nervous about my feelings waking up. Thanks for sharing your feelings. This kind of thinking helps us all get in touch with what we need to succeed in this all out fight!

  23. My very first blog post was about what I dubbed mindful keening. . . allow myself to grieve--if only silently--for the things I've allowed myself to lose and be numb to over my lifetime so far.

    I love how positively your post ends.