I cried today.
I don't do a lot of crying.
I've teared up a few times during emotional conversations this year, but the only two times I really remember crying this last year- hard, real crying - was when a romantic relationship looked to be over, and when my Grandmother died.
No real need to discuss what prompted the crying tonight though, suffice to say it wasn't brought on by anything around my weight, or really anything personal at all.
It's noteworthy because it doesn't happen much, not because of what spawned it tonight. It's noteworthy because I don't think what spawned it tonight, is what kept it going.
I think that if you've eaten enough, disrespected your body enough, and emotionally beaten yourself up enough to end up weighing 600 pounds, I think you have real reason to mourn.
Real reason for deep sorrow.
As is, and will continue to be, a reoccurring concept for me is my lack of being aware/present/conscious.
Getting to 600 pounds doesn't just require massive denial of reality, it doesn't just require self-imposed oblivion to the consequences of actions (even as those consequences manifest), it requires such a severe disconnect between the Person.and.EVERYTHING.
Comfortably Numb, truly numb...you feel nothing.
It's the reason I don't know when I'm full, if I'm getting sick, when I hurt myself, if I'm hungry or not, how I'm feeling, what I'm feeling, when I'm feeling it.
The incredible insulation of fat I wear daily is nothing compared to the insulation I've created mentally.
But look, tonight I cried. And see, I know I'm out of touch with my body, with my emotions, I know the extent. And I've been working on it for the better part of a year. But it's hard, but I keep going.
Tonight I was so angry, then soooo sad. Sooo sad for some time.
How do I feel though now. Can I reach inside myself and find the answer. Yes. I feel really good.
I dealt with the impetus of tonight's emotions in a healthy manner and created a healthy plan for dealing with it moving forward.
More importantly, I got in touch with a lot of sadness I've had inside me for quite a while, and that felt so good.
I love it. I love it because I know I can succeed in the long run, and for forever. Ahhhhh, I kick ass.
I love it because this process for me isn't just muscles working, sweat dripping, and blood pumping, it's as much about the mental and emotional growth.
It's as much about the tears.
I'm ready for it all. Bring it on :)