Sunday, January 4, 2009

Don't Know What You've Got 'Till It's Gone

I am frustrated I got so big, fuck. I am frustrated losing weight is going to take so long, fuck.

I just looked at a bunch of pictures from when I was 380-430, and oh my god do I look great. Really, not to toot my own horn, but beep beep mother fucker. I wore 400 lbs damn well.

It's so upsetting, I didn't realize what I had when I had it. I vacillated between 380-430 from roughly when I was 19 until I was 23, and the whole time I tried off and on to lose weight. I felt like I was so fat and beat myself up so much.

I look at pictures from those years now and its horrible. I know, of course, that 400 is still 200 pounds more than a 6 foot 3 man should weigh, but still, fuck, I'm amazed when I look back at the years I was in that range: things were so much easier (planes, cars, chairs, walking, shoveling snow, raking, playing basketball, etc, etc, etc, ), I was so much healthier overall, and I looked sooo damn good, soooo much better than now :(

Oh well, I will get back there, and then I'll keep going even further until I'm at my ideal weight. It'll take some time I know, but they say patience is a virtue, so let me now be virtuous and practice some.

I guess I should now try to glean the lessons from all these thoughts. An easy one is that I need to appreciate things in the moment. What that means is during this new journey to health I'd be best served to remember that while my goal is to eventually get down to a 200 something pound weight, I need to not spend this entire weight loss period looking forward to the goal. It's another welcome reminder that addresses one of my biggest issues, being present. So, let me be present, conscious, and aware instead of never satisfied and always looking to the future. Sure, I have goals, but in the mean time I will work to appreciate what I have, who I am, where I'm at, etc.

And let me use this look back at where I was as motivation to get back there as soon as possible as soon as possible utilizing an emotionally, mentally, and physically healthy approach.

But seriously, soon.


*deep breath*

"He that can have Patience, can have what he will" - Ben Franklin.

Sounds good.


  1. I thought sort of the same way when I was 180 lbs...160 lbs...even 140 lbs. Of course, at 140 I had a boyfriend who kept telling me I had to lose weight.

    Now looking back, I can't believe I was so mean to myself at those weights.

  2. It's so true, sometimes you just don't appreciate where you are or what you've got!! No longer, appreciate everyday and i'm trying to learn to appreciate where i am every day :)

  3. "Patience is also an action."

    I hear ya about trying to be present for our life TODAY.

    See...this is when I wish we could all live closer & have meetings in the flesh to hug each other & give pats and good on ya's & FEEL the energy of each other. Cause I'd do that now if I could.
    Remember how fast 2008 flew by. Looking forward seems like a long time but looking back seems so fast. If you feel like it's going to take forever just remember that it'll seem like it flew by when you've gotten there. It's all relative.
    We're all here for you to pull you through this!!! Feel the LOVE!!! :)

  4. Fabulous! I love this outlook. :)

  5. Oh man, patience is something that seriously has passed me by in this life. I am not a patient person at all. I want what I want and I want it last week.

    It is a struggle to take each day, each step, at a time and focus soley on that instead of the end goal. I want the end goal so damned much. I want a shortcut. I want a magic pill. But those things don't exist and if they do there is a huge cost associated with them.

    I am right there with you. Patience is hard.

  6. I totally understand your frustration. I think that the worst thing at a turning point like ours is that we know we are the ones who ate the food and got us to this point. No one force fed us all those years. The frustration comes out of self disappointment. The patience will also come from us. It has to! All that is something to be proud of. I try to ask myself for a lot of actions throughout the day, "Is this in keeping with my long term goals?" or "Is this something I will be proud of after I have done it?" It's a great little tool to help decision making for the better.

    Keep up the good work. I'm here willing your success as much as my own.

  7. you can have what you want and you CAN WHINE along the way if you wish.
    stomp your feet.
    whatever you feel (it's your blog) as long as you stick with it...we're stick with you, too!

  8. I was just thinking the other day how grateful I am that even when we let our weight get out of control, we are given the grace to be able to lose said weight and regain our lives. Imagine what it would be like if we were stuck!! Let the photographs remind you of the man you will be again!! I've spent many moments looking back at the "what I was"'s and "remember when"s. Now I only allow myself to do this if it's productive to my current journey! Do some forward thinking and focus on what is coming...remember put your past behind you! ;o)

  9. That is my biggestfuckingstruggle. I always groan when I wake up and don't weigh thirty pounds less than yesterday- because all of the struggles I went through yesterday are thirty pounds worth! You get my point. It is such a struggle and I always want it to be quicker and faster and smoother and easier. I hate waiting and I hate the effort just a pound of weight loss takes sometimes! I feel you there!

    I do know that the weight gain didn't happen overnight (I have been obese since 1996, although the majority of the two huge weight gains happened during a total of 3 years altogether) and it will be a couple of years before this part gets better...

    Don't feel alone because you are supported!

  10. What you mentioned about living in the moment is so true...It is something that I need to remind myself to do everyday.

    Since I started weight watchers I have always had a big number goal in the back of my mind but I always had the next 5 lbs as my immediate goal. I claimed a little victory every 5 lbs!

    Keep kickin ass!

    btw thank you for the kind words on my blog and I know that whatever you decide your goal(s) are you will reach them!

  11. Wouldn't it be nice if we had a magic wand that we could wave and all this struggling to lose weight and becoming healthier would be behind us and we'd be svelt? Unfortunately we don't.

    Looking back at the way we were before we got this big always depresses. So all we can do is look forward, ONE DAY at a time.

    I've learned over this past year and a half+ is to set small, small, goals. I am working on 10 pounds at a time. At that goal I step back and decide if I like myself at that weight and if not I go for another 10. And there have been spells where it took me several months to get that 10 off too. So you are not alone.

    Keep that chin up and hang in there, you can do this.

  12. Patience is something I have very little of myself. You are not alone. Don't come down so hard on yourself. I have done the same thing, it doesn't do any good. I had picture of when I was 210 lbs. OMG I would give to be that then. I look at that picture and think, why was I so miserable? I looked damned good!! Now, not so much! But, we have to move on! Keep the faith.

  13. Every day you will be presented with many choices. Strive to make the right ones, the ones that will bring you long term health and happiness. Don't beat yourself up over the wrong ones, the ones that may bring short term comfort. Keep going and be in touch with those who are doing the same.

  14. You have learned a valuable lesson. Yes it is good to have goals for the future but don't let the beauty of today go unnoticed because your eyes were focused on tomorrow.

    May your week be filled with good thoughts, healthy eating, and lots of patience.

  15. {{{hugs}}}
    I feel like an absolute moose at this weight... I don't see the loss, I just don't. But when I was 278 I would have killed to weigh 227. So yeah, gotta keep perspective.

  16. What you said is SO true. We just don't appreciate where we're at & then you look back and.... dang. But today, what it is is what it is. And you're heading in the right direction. And you WILL look good again when you hit the 400's and you'll look HOT when you're in the 300's and you'll be AMAZING and have EARNED it when you're where you want to be. Sucks that it takes time. I'm with you on that. It takes time to put it on, takes time to take it off. Not nearly as fun taking it off...



  17. The difference between losing weight for good and losing weight just to gain it back is, I believe (hope?) in living in the NOW, as you have said. It is in appreciating yourself today and celebrating each small change rather than looking W A Y down the road to that far-off goal. That gets too darn depressing.

    It sounds like you are getting your thought processes in order and ready to change for good!

  18. Hey bro, this is Jeef. As I have said before, you are one of the most amazing people I have known. I know you will be successful. I constantly battle with having patience and usually lose all my momentum after a couple of months.

    Recently, I was on Weight Watchers for two months and lost 9 pounds. The sad/funny thing was that I was honestly counting my points. Of course, I wasn't eating any fruit or vegetables, it was mostly carbs. I am going to start a new plan this week that addresses the reasons for the WW failure. I have to bite the bullet and change what I eat.

    I realize this is a long journey back to health and I do have to be patient. The way I figure it, in gaining the focus and consistency needed to lose the weight, I will become a stronger person.

    I applaud your courage in starting your blogs. I think by being open and not keeping your struggles to yourself you have a much better chance of success.

    Your blog (and Losing Waist's) have inspired me to start my own. I know I'm not getting anywhere on my own. I look forward to sharing this journey with (both of) you.

  19. Mate, I totally know what you mean. I used to think I looked horrible at 150 kgs (guessing about 320 lbs), and I felt horrible, and just hated being that weight. But having gotten to where I was, and even where I am now, the 150s would be lovely :D And even now, in the 170s, it just feels so much better than my highest. I like myself now.

    Anyway, you'll get there again, man :)

  20. Patience is something I've never had so I need to listen here too. I've been on this weight loss journey for going on 18 months now. I've had lots of ups and downs. I think being present is the key for sure. Enjoying the day to day victories. Bottom line even when we get to goal we will have to continue the battle for life. So enjoying where we are each and everyday is how to truly be happy.

    Way to go on losing 7 lbs too, that's huge.

  21. You're going in the right direction. Good for you! You can do it.

    Also, I love your B&W pics on your blog...they are so interesting.

  22. I wish I could take some of my previous "most heavy" times and be there instead of here but I can't. I'm here and it's just going to take me a little bit longer to get to goal than if I had started at my other "highest" weights.

    Enjoy the moment, enjoy your life the steps you're taking now are making a strong person and each day each accomplishment should be celebrated. (I'm telling this all to myself as much as I'm sharing it with you.)

    Have a GREAT day! It's going to be an AWESOME one!

  23. It's great that you had some self confidence, esteem and ego even at a large size. Hang on to those feelings! You clearly still have plenty of good points to feel good about.

    Back to your piano analogy with the present. . . you can only think a bar or two ahead and successfully play a nice sounding song. And sometimes you have to practice the hard parts over and over until you get through them and play them beautifully and without pausing.