Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The Re-Education of Me


I haven't had a very good week; not much exercise, 1 big binge, a lot of fairly mindless/ fairly unhealthy eating, very inconsistent food/water/exercise tracking.

I'm just frustrated by my failures this week, and with the fact that because I have such a long way to go in many ways, I will likely continue to have failures occasionally; a binge, a shitty day, an off week.

I think the root of the frustration is not even mainly with the fact that failures will occur, but more with the fact that even though I'm doing a pretty good job looking at them objectively, not beating myself up, and moving on, I am still plagued by the doubtful echo's of a million past failures in my head.

Every time I (rightly) tell myself: "Okay, that was a mistake, but I've looked at it, learned from it, and now, time to focus on making the next choice a good one", a voice tells me "Yeah. Right. Good luck with that".

It's from years of only failing, and never giving myself any grace about it.

It's the reason that no matter how healthy my attitude is after a misstep, I still feel just a little hopeless. I still have a sense of futility about my commitment to move past the failure because I'm so early in this process of real change that I'm far from realizing that these times are different than in the past; that these times I CAN and AM getting back on track after a misstep.

I know the only way to lessen the disbelieving whisper in my ear is to answer it back every time with a healthy action. To, over time, convince every part of me, even the lurking ghosts of a listless past, that I really AM able to change and that I really CAN accomplish what I put my mind to.

I guess it boils down to building trust with myself.

There is a discrepancy within me.

I've spent my whole life telling myself THIS TIME will be different. A lifetime spent convincing myself (convincingly, I might add) that I could create the change I desired and become the person I wanted to be. All the while however, not doing any of it; not long term, and most frequently, not even short term.

I guess it makes sense that after a while I would develop a part of me that no longer bought it. A part that had been burned too many times by the lofty goals of too many ultimately failed "brand new days". Immeasurable disappointment must store somewhere inside a person. In me I'm sure it has set up shop in portions of my heartbroken melancholy, my seething self-hatred, and of course, my nagging self doubt.

Moving forward I accept that I may occasionally falter in this journey, and I do so lovingly and with grace.

And now I choose to strive to reeducate every dark corner of my being on who I am and what I'm truly capable of.

I will learn to trust myself.

New internal expectations will, over time, be set - and firmly so.

The voices will fade, the discrepancy between my intentions and my actions will disappear, and I will become peacefully congruent.


  1. You're an excellent writer, and I so enjoy your posts. Stay the course brother - it's long and tough, but we'll make it. We have to.

  2. I fail all the time man. Every day I have to struggle with trusting and believing in myself. It does get easier as you continue to build a foundation for yourself. Keep up with the positivity; it will get you through a lot of the challenges you'll face down the road. I have complete faith in you.

  3. I have these thoughts too, sometimes. It feels like there's a number that I will not be able to get below (for me it's 200 lbs). But, I've been doing this since the end of October, with only one minor mess up, and I don't even know if it qualifies as a mess up because I worked it off on the treadmill after. I had a few days I didn't count, too (my anniversary and Christmas).

    For me, "since the end of October" is an eternity. I've never done so well before. If you'd told me when I started that I would still be going strong at the end of January, I probably would have given you a jaded, cynical look, because THAT WASN'T ME.

    But now it is. The voices do fade (Gee, I hope people who might read this realize we're not talking about actually hearing voices...). Don't feed them. Push them out of your mind as much as you can. And push through it. That's what everybody keeps telling me when I'm struggling, and it's turned out to be good advice.

  4. HERE HERE!!! :)

    I know what you mean... success for me is equal to waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    But, Its getting better.

  5. Oh man, I know what it's like not to trust yourself. You build up a view of yourself that anything you do will fail. But it's good you're working your way out of that. And that's really what it is. There's no quick switch.

    You've got to find that balance between too much pressure, and not enough. It sounds to me like you might be putting a bit too much pressure on yourself, and rebelling by lapsing. But that's just my opinion, so take that with a grain of salt.

  6. ahhh, I have been there.

    Wish I could lend you a hand but know I had to work through it myself.

    lean on us out here.

  7. Yup Yup same as everyone else...totally attack myself with these kinds of thoughts too. We just gotta keep on keepin' on thought.

  8. I think any of us who have a weight problem have these thoughts. We've had them all of our life - it's easier to think that way because we don't know any different. Retraining ourselves in our ways of thinking, eating right, exercising, and life in general - it's a lot. I think you're doing a great job. You've lost 34 pounds in a month. That's huge.

  9. Yes, 34 lbs in a month is huge. You are definitely aware of your issues and that is the biggest thing. Start treating yourself like you treat others with the kindness you deserve. I definitely know how you feel. We are all here for ya.

  10. Belive me I have felt this way so many times, Its what you do after you mess up that decides what happens... Pick yourself back up and start again, sounds easy and it isnt but remember you are worth it!!! Just no you have many in your corner cheering you on to win the race Iam one of them Blessings Kat:)

  11. Great post!! So true for all of us!! We all need to get that "TRUST."

  12. I wish I had some wonderful words of encouragement here. Fact is, I struggle with this too. I sabotage my own efforts each and every time I diet.

    What I am doing this time, is a lot of forgiveness. Also, I realize this isn't a diet. I have got to get healthy. I went off my diet from about Oct. to Jan. One morning I woke up and said, I refuse to put this weight back on. I keep telling myself, whether I lose another pound, I will not go back up! I refuse to buy bigger clothes. I am not going over 300 again. So, right now, for me, I just refuse to go back up. One pound at a time. Don't look at where you need to go so much as how far you've come. You can do this! I know you can!

  13. My first look at your blog. Very impressive, very real, very articulate, very inspirational. Thank you. You've made comments before about unrealized potential, and reading this makes me think, weight or not, very realized potential. Weight or not, your honesty, introspection, insight, and again, your ability to articulate and describe, is already potential turned ability and accomplishment. Cheers.

  14. Peaceful congruence. Ah yes. Makes me think of the "harmony" that MizFit mentioned in her blog post today. I strive for it, too.

  15. You are not a failure! But I know how you feel... It's so hard!

    I keep leaving this link all over the blogosphere, but I read this really amazing article today about our fear of success - I'm sure you'll find it useful!

    Hang in there!

  16. We've all been there! There's nothing wrong with you at all! And I'm so glad you're trying to keep a positive outlook on your future progress.

    Just keep writing your blog posts and try whatever you can to keep focused. I find that watching TV makes me eat more. I'm * this close to cancelling my cable!

    And just like my blog description says "our greatest glory is NOT in never falling, but in rising everytime we fall"... I truly, truly, believe that.

  17. GREAT NEWS! Another TFC-er has joined us! Check out LOVING ALL OF ME... I sent her a message via myspace to look at my blog and she has decided to make her own! OH MY GOD I AM SO EXCITED!

  18. I find that I battle with the same demons. When you have a long way to go, not every week is going to be a victory. You just have to keep pushing thru until it clicks for you that you can succeed. We all can. We just need to realize it.

    Jared from

  19. No news is usually not good news in blogland. Where are you? I am checking in on you because I care and I (we) care!

  20. Haven't heard from you in almost a week - Don't give up man!

  21. your writing blows my mind everytime. thanks for that.

    i hope you have time to relax, "lighten up francis" ;)

  22. This post could have been written by me a year ago (except that I wouldn't have written it so intelligently) That is why my blog is called "A Failure's Journey to Success"...because I had convinced myself that I would not ever be able to win the battle with my weight...I was a failure in my own eyes but I wanted to be a Success and I just determined that eventually I would get there.

    Be encouraged that many of us have tried and failed over and over again but then got past the failing and are winning the battle! You will, too.

  23. This is my 1st time reading your blog. Guy, it's almost like poetry to my ears. Gee, I don't know if you worked any of your feelings out after you posted that, but I sure did. I loved the trust myself thing. It is hard to trust on someone or something when it has let you down every other time. My mother used to tell me that trust is earned, and you'll have to do more that to gain my trust ( my poor poor mother, i was terrible )So I guess it's going to take a while to trust myself, after a life time of letting myself down. Keep blogging along. really enjoyed this blog